Ep 24: Adolescent Neuroscience

Lucy Maddox, author of Blueprint: How Childhood Makes Us Who We
Are, discusses the fascinating science of why social experiences
are also heightened during the teenage years. In this episode she
reveals what you should teach your teen about friendships and
relationships.


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Full show notes


After all these years, you think you’d know your kid, but there
seems to be no end to the surprises, bombshells, and blind turns!
Just when you assume your teenager will behave one way, they
start doing what you’d never expect. As a parent, you know that
teens make often make irresponsible decisions, change their
opinions like T-shirts, and behave in ways that generally don’t
seem to make any sense at all.


So. what the heck is going on inside the adolescent brain?!
Without knowing what’s going on under the hood, we never know if
our will listen to our conversations or discount them as “uncool”
before embarking on their own program. It can feel impossible to
decode the adolescent brain and understand teenagers’
motivations.


However, there is a way to help the adolescent brain develop the
right decision-making tools, so our teens are prepared for a life
good choices. The answer comes down to having the right approach.
If we can educate ourselves on the right way to talk to a
teenager, we can avoid pursuing strategies that simply fail in
the end.


My guest in this episode is Lucy Maddox, author of Blueprint: How
Childhood Makes Us Who We Are. She also has her own psychology
practice in Bristol, England, where she works one-on-one with
kids and teens every day. As a writer, university lecturer, and
expert in cognitive behavioral therapy, she is a great source of
knowledge for how we can understand the adolescent brain and use
that understanding to become better parents.


Molding the Adolescent Brain for Success


The first thing parents need to know about molding the adolescent
brain is how flexible it is. For example, Lucy’s book examines
how we experience a phenomenon called an “adolescent memory
bump.” This refers to the way memories from the adolescent brain
are recalled much more vividly or intensely than memories of
other times in our lives. The adolescent brain is very
impressionable, and the experiences we have during this time can
stay with us for a lifetime. That’s why it’s important to guide
our teens through this period, so that they can enter into
adulthood happy and functional.


Lucy has done a lot of research into how we can shape the
adolescent brain with conversations about tricky topics—with some
pretty interesting results.


She starts by critically examining how we often focus on our
children’s behavior. Often, we help our kids make good choices by
rewarding or punishing them for good and bad actions. Sometimes,
in doing this, we forget to talk to them about the values at work
behind their decisions. According to Lucy, these value
discussions are some of the most important talks we can have with
our kids, because they go deeper than the surface. Instead of
just scolding or praising them for their behavior, we are
providing them with guidelines for how to approach any situation.


It harkens back to the classic idea of teaching a man to fish. If
you give a man a fish, you feed him for a day. But if you can
teach him how to fish, he’ll be able to feed himself for the
foreseeable future! If we simply tell kids how to act, our words
may stick for a moment but likely will not last in their heads.
By teaching your teen to have strong values, they’ll be able to
evaluate situations and act according to their moral compass,
even when you’re not around.


Finding Time to Talk (And Listen!)


It’s delicate, however, to find the right time to sit down with
our teenagers to talk about such broad and important topics.
Research shows that the adolescent brain can be pretty resistant
to advice from their parents. Lucy suggests converting these
conversations into bite sized pieces and slipping them in during
everyday activities. Try talking to your kids about the
importance of hard work while driving. Teach them about the
importance of kindness while taking a weekly trip to the grocery
store.


It may seem strange, but by putting less emphasis on the
discussion, your teenager is more likely to be receptive to the
ideas you’re sharing. By keeping things simple and casual, it’s
easier to transmit your message to the adolescent brain. They may
not even notice that you are trying to give them serious
advice--and this may work to your advantage.


Even though they may be difficult, Lucy explains why these kinds
of talks are extremely important for the adolescent brain. She
and I discuss a study which examined the development of “grit”
among teenagers, or their ability to move past obstacles with
hard work and dedication. The study revealed that the more
support individuals have from their community during adolescence,
the more likely they are to successfully deal with hardships that
come their way.


In fact, it showed evidence that even just one strong
relationship during youth helped to keep this ability to
persevere strong as teens move into adulthood. As a parent, you
have the chance to form that strong relationship with your
teenager that will help them persist through anything.


An integral part of these discussions is taking the time to
listen. Often times, we want to warn our teenagers about
everything to stop them from going through all the things that we
experienced at their age. While this is important, it’s very
valuable to have an open mind to what your child is saying and
understand that they are likely experiencing different things
than you are. One thing Lucy stresses is not coming into these
conversations with everything planned out, but instead letting
the conversation be fluid between the two of you.


Taking Pressure off The Adolescent Brain


Remember that the adolescent brain is under enormous amounts of
pressure nowadays. Teenagers have to make decisions on a daily
basis about their social lives, academics, and extracurriculars.
They’re considering the future, trying to decide who they’re
going to be and what they’re going to do with themselves.
Everything feels so intense during this period, your teen may
feel that one wrong decision can ruin their life. They may need
to talk to you about all this confusion and fear.


Lucy stresses the importance of reminding them that life is long,
and not every choice is as important as it seems. She also
promotes the idea of helping your teen identify the positive and
negative consequences of every decision. This is another good
behavior to teach them that they can carry with them as they go
forward in life.


According to Lucy, this idea of evaluating pros and cons is
helpful for stopping bad behavior as well. Instead of telling a
teenager that smoking weed is wrong, talk to them about what
happens when they decide to partake in the drug. While they will
feel temporary relief from anxiety or may seem cool to their
friends (pros), they risk becoming dependent on the substance,
becoming distracted, or doing regrettable things under the
influence (cons). By addressing the pros along with the cons,
you’re showing your teenager that you understand, instead of just
bossing them around.


In the episode, Lucy discusses these ideas and more. She breaks
down just how the adolescent brain is thinking. Although it may
seem ...