Ep 320: Lessons in Self-Worth for Teens

Ellen Hendriksen, author of How to Be Enough, delves into the
nuances of perfectionism, how it affects teens, and offers
guidance on fostering self-acceptance while maintaining drive and
ambition.


Sponsored by Equip: Eating disorder treatment
that works—delivered at home. Visit equip.health/talking for more
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Full Show Notes





In a world where teens are striving to excel in grades, sports,
arts, and social standing, societal pressure and self-imposed
standards can frequently lead to a feeling of inadequacy. Many
teenagers, despite achieving great things, grapple with the
invisible weight of not being "enough." As parents and mentors,
it's crucial to comprehend this ongoing "silent epidemic" of
perfectionism that threatens to undermine their self-worth.


Our guest today, Dr. Ellen Hendriksen, provides an enlightening
take on this pervasive issue. A reputable clinical psychologist
and author, Ellen's latest book, How to Be Enough, explores the
intricate dance between striving for excellence and recognizing
innate worth. Whether you identify as a perfectionist or are
raising one, this episode is rich with insights that illuminate
the road to self-acceptance.


Ellen explains how perfectionism, often seen as a quest for
flawlessness, is actually a misdirected convincing that one is
never truly enough. Yet, it’s not all bad. She points out the
positive side of conscientiousness—when drive turns into
relentless self-criticism, though, that's when perfectionism
becomes unhealthy. In our conversation, we gauge how to identify
when this line is crossed.


The Perfectionism Pendulum


Perfectionism doesn’t just show up; it has roots, be it familial,
societal, or personal predispositions. The discussion digs into
patterns in family dynamics, such as anxious rearing and
contingent love that may unknowingly perpetuate high-stakes
environments for teens. Ellen unpacks how these environments can
entrench the belief that self-worth is earned, not given.


For parents of adolescents, recognizing how perfectionism
manifests during these formative years can offer insights into
what it means to provide unconditional love—emphasizing love
independent of achievement.


Supporting Exploration Over Perfection


Ellen reminds us that adolescence is a time of exploration. Teens
can feel trapped in a cycle of sticking only to what they excel
at, driven by external praise and a need for validation. This
episode emphasizes the importance of supporting your child in
breaking free from this mold, encouraging them to try new things
without fear of judgment, and valuing the process over the
outcome.


Using Values to Overcome Criticism


Shifting focus from labels to values can be a solid strategy for
overcoming self-critical thoughts and preserving self-worth.
Instead of defining oneself by arbitrary or external standards,
teens and adults alike can cultivate a life driven by values. A
focus on personal growth and learning rather than fulfilling
rigid expectations can pave the way for a healthier mindset.


Fostering Warmth and Relationships


Finally, the episode underscores the significance of warmth and
connection over sheer competence. Ellen advises that fostering
sincere relationships requires emphasizing kindness and intention
over an endless pursuit of correctness, often the hiding place of
perfectionism. This principle resounds through both family
interactions and broader social connections, fostering a
healthier community atmosphere for teens.


In the Episode...


My discussion with Ellen Hendriksen was as insightful as it was
reassuring. Among the fascinating concepts explored in this
episode, we also cover:


The difference between healthy and unhealthy perfectionism

How gender roles play into adolescent perfectionism

Strategies to shift from rigid to flexible thinking

Specific steps parents can take to support self-acceptance in
teens



To delve deeper into these life-changing insights and more, check
out How to be Enough and visit Ellen's website at
ellenhendriksen.com. Don’t forget to share this episode and
subscribe for more thought-provoking discussions. 





Sponsored by Equip: Eating disorder treatment
that works—delivered at home. Visit equip.health/talking for more
information, and a free consultation.