Talking To Teens: Expert Tips for Parenting Teenagers

Sponsored by Equip: Eating disorder treatment that works—delivered at home. Visit equip.health/talking for more information, and a free consultation. Jenny Anderson and Rebecca Winthrop, authors of The Disengaged Teen, join us to discuss their insights on teenage disengagement and share strategies to foster better learning, emotional well-being, and overall development in teenagers. When it comes to our teens' education, many of us attempt to walk a tightrope, balancing between overly optimistic perceptions and stark realities. As parents, we often perceive our teens as more engaged in learning than they truly are. What we might not realize is that many teenagers experience varying levels of disengagement during their educational journey, which can affect their overall growth and happiness. Understanding these dynamics within our children can drastically change our approach and thereby foster better communication and support. In this episode, we explore the science of teenage disengagement with Jenny Anderson and Rebecca Winthrop, the authors of The Disengaged Teen: Helping Kids Learn Better, Feel Better, and Live Better. Jenny, an award-winning journalist, and Rebecca, a senior fellow at Brookings and professor at Georgetown University, come together to bring attention to the various ways teens engage with school and learning. Through research and extensive interviews, they’ve identified different modes of learning engagement that teens experience: Resistor, Passenger, Achiever, and Explorer modes.  Their framework serves as a tool to help us recognize and support our teens based on their unique engagement level. The authors explain how crucial it is to tailor our approach to these modes, especially as teenage learning engagement can directly impact their emotional well-being and future success. Jenny and Rebecca provide insightful observations, such as why boys might be more prone to being in Passenger mode and how fostering agency is key to shifting them into Explorer mode. Understanding the Four Modes Jenny and Rebecca delve deep into the characteristics of each mode. They urge parents to consider intentional questions beyond the simple "How was your day?"–questions that encourage teens to express more than routine responses. They also stress the importance of recognizing early signs of disengagement, especially when children are content with coasting and not pushing themselves to explore or challenge what they know. Achiever mode might initially sound ideal, with teens appearing diligent and high-performing, but the conversation reveals a hidden downside. Unhappiness in Achiever mode—an inability to cope with failure and a fixation on perfectionism—can lead to mental health challenges.  Encouraging Curiosity and Agency The authors enlighten us about the importance of curiosity and the role of perceived agency in encouraging teens to shift from Passenger or Achiever modes into the coveted Explorer mode. Rather than telling teenagers what to pursue, parents are encouraged to notice their children’s interests and support them, regardless of whether it aligns with traditional goals, such as college admissions. Jenny and Rebecca also emphasize the importance of giving teens free time to rest their minds and explore creative unconventional thought. They discuss how moments of unstructured time foster creativity and lead to "Transcendent Thinking," a deeper level of cognitive engagement that comes from meaningful, self-driven inquiry. Breaking the Nagging-Procrastination Cycle Many parents find themselves trapped in a cycle of nagging and procrastination, striving to get their children to complete their tasks. Jenny and Rebecca suggest practical methods to help break this cycle by prompting kids to make their own plans and holding them accountable to those plans—ultimately encouraging them to take responsibility for their learning. In the Episode... Our conversation with Jenny and Rebecca reveals critical insights into teenage learning engagement. Beyond the topics discussed, we also delve into: The impact of social expectations on teenage learning How parental expectations can inadvertently contribute to perfectionism The benefits of redefining success for our kids Specific strategies for helping teens open up about their educational experiences Feeling equipped to tackle teenage disengagement? Hear the full episode to help your teen learn, feel, and live better. Don't forget to subscribe to Talking to Teens for more illuminating conversations. Sponsored by Equip: Eating disorder treatment that works—delivered at home. Visit equip.health/talking for more information, and a free consultation.

Michael Chad Hoeppner, author of Don't Say Um, joins us to share speaking tips for parents and teens, focusing on effective communication techniques and how delivery can enhance dialogue. Sponsored by Equip: Eating disorder treatment that works—delivered at home. Visit equip.health/talking for more information, and a free consultation. Full Show Notes Crafting the right message for teens is only half the battle when it comes to effective communication. Striking a balance between content and delivery can significantly impact how teens absorb what we’re trying to say. As parents, we often stress over the precise words to use, focused on the content, and inadvertently overlook the power of speech delivery. How we speak, not just what we say, can be critical in ensuring our message resonates and leaves a lasting imprint on our teenagers. For many parents, navigating the conversational minefields of adolescence can be daunting. The fear of being tuned out or misinterpreted adds to the pressure of an already rigorous parenting task. While teenagers are known to push boundaries, leaving us to harp on the things they shouldn’t be doing, there’s a compelling case for focusing less on prohibitions and more on fostering positive dialogue. In today’s fast-paced world, ripe with distractions, honing the art of effective speech can be a game-changer in our interactions. To help us deepen our understanding of this topic, we turn to Michael Chad Hoeppner, author of the new book Don’t Say Um. Michael is an expert in speech coaching, working with high-profile individuals from presidential candidates to CEOs. He aims to transform how we view and execute communication, moving us away from focusing on filler words and towards what he calls "linguistic precision." Throughout his work, he advocates for positive communication strategies that can be transformative in both personal and professional realms, and he’s here to share some of these insights with us. The Mystery of 'Um' Although refraining from using filler words like "um" might seem trivial, Michael shows us how avoiding them can enhance clarity and precision. Instead of harping on the use of such words, the book encourages us to pivot to linguistic accuracy, which means encouraging effective and thoughtful word choices. This approach can empower parents to communicate more efficiently with teenagers, focusing on the richness of content rather than its distractions. Michael emphasizes how vital this strategy is not only in improving parent-teen dialogue but also as a lesson in better communicative habits for teens. As he describes, creating a more positive speech environment can challenge both parents and teens to engage more actively and meaningfully in conversations. Practical Tools for Everyday Conversations Michael shares a variety of exercises designed to sharpen articulation and delivery, including unexpected but effective techniques such as the "cork exercise." By utilizing methods like these, both parents and teens can learn to articulate better, making each conversation more impactful. Michael and I also delve into how these rituals improve not just speaking habits, but can also inspire personal growth and confidence. He insists that parents—by demonstrating their own willingness to improve communication skills—serve as powerful role models for their teenagers. This leads to an empowering cycle where teens are encouraged to improve their expressiveness and feel more confident in their communication. Raising Confident Communicators An essential element of effective communication is confidence, but as Michael notes, projecting confidence doesn't always require feeling confident. By addressing the distinction between communication content and delivery, parents and teens can build a foundation of confidence that empowers them in various social situations. Michael stresses the importance of focusing on what you can control—like breathing, posture, and other techniques, which can lend anyone more control over how confident they appear. Communicating with teens isn’t just about delivering information; it’s about creating memorable, impactful interactions. Michael helps illustrate the importance of confronting nervousness in ways that don’t shy away from, but rather embrace the body's natural reactions to stress and excitement. This emphasis not only builds stronger communicators but also fosters important emotional intelligence. In the Episode… Michael shares a wealth of insights on: Exercises to enhance clarity and articulation Techniques for managing vocal tendencies like "vocal fry" Strategies for using physical posture to improve presence and persuasion Tactics to encourage authentic self-expression in teenagers If you’d like to delve deeper into perfecting communication with your teen, this episode is a must-listen. Check out the free chapter on dontsayum.com and don't forget to subscribe to Talking to Teens for more enlightening discussions! Sponsored by Equip: Eating disorder treatment that works—delivered at home. Visit equip.health/talking for more information, and a free consultation.

Amy Wilson, author of Happy to Help, joins us to discuss the complexities of people pleasing, her personal journey of overcoming it, and strategies for teaching teens to listen to their own voice and set healthy boundaries. Sponsored by Equip: Eating disorder treatment that works—delivered at home. Visit equip.health/talking for more information, and a free consultation. Full Show Notes As parents, we want to raise teens who are confident, grounded in their values, and capable of standing up for themselves—even when it's difficult. Yet in a world that often rewards people-pleasing behavior, teaching our teens to cultivate authenticity can be a tricky endeavor. From a young age, many individuals are socialized to put others' needs before their own, ignore their inner voice, and aim to please. The challenge for caregivers lies in guiding teenagers to embrace their own desires and make decisions based on their personal truths, even when faced with societal pressures to conform. This is the backdrop of today's discussion, as we delve into the nuances of people pleasing and the importance of empowering teens to connect with their inner voices. Our guest, Amy Wilson, an actor, writer, podcaster, and author of Happy to Help: Adventures of a People Pleaser, shares her journey from an eighth-grade people pleaser to a conscious parent teaching her children the value of self-advocacy. Amy brings a wealth of experience, not only from her own life but from hosting the podcast What Fresh Hell: Laughing in the Face of Motherhood. Throughout the episode, Amy emphasizes the role of parents in modeling boundary setting and advocating for personal wants and needs. She reflects on the importance of letting kids experience natural consequences and the discomfort of unmet expectations to encourage problem-solving skills and personal growth. The Consequences of Over-Reminding One common struggle shared by parents is the habitual reminder—a seemingly well-intentioned effort to guide teens through their obligations can sometimes backfire. When reminders become incessant, teenagers may develop resistance or rely on their parents for motivation, detracting from their sense of responsibility and autonomy. Amy openly discusses her own struggles and how she has navigated this territory with her children, offering valuable insights on striking a balance between gentle guidance and fostering independence. Eighth Grade Diaries and Emotional Intensity Amy also takes us on a nostalgic journey through her eighth-grade diary entries, which she uses as a lens to explore adolescent self-awareness and emotional experiences. This segment highlights the significance of strong emotions and first-time experiences during young adolescence, encouraging parents to validate their teens' feelings while providing the perspective that comes with age and maturity. Tackling Perfectionism and Gender Expectations A notable theme in Amy's discussion is perfectionism, specifically the concept of socially prescribed perfectionism imposed by societal standards. This pressure is particularly pertinent to the expectations placed on women and girls, and Amy eloquently addresses how parents can combat these external pressures by reinforcing their teens' intrinsic worth and personal boundaries. As we explore these themes, Amy shares anecdotes from her experiences—both personal and as a parent—alongside actionable strategies for helping teenagers honor their authentic selves.  In the Episode… Join the conversation as we uncover: The importance of providing teens with space to fail and learn from mistakes. How to identify and combat people-pleasing tendencies in yourself and your teens. Strategies for breaking the cycle of responding to social expectations. Ways to empower teens to articulate and pursue their true desires. Amy Wilson's episode is a deep dive into the realm of people pleasing and the crucial skills parents can foster to help teens lead authentic, self-assured lives. Tune in to share some laughs and gain insights that bridge the gap between generational boundaries. Don't forget to subscribe for more enlightening conversations on Talking to Teens! Sponsored by Equip: Eating disorder treatment that works—delivered at home. Visit equip.health/talking for more information, and a free consultation.

Ellen Hendriksen, author of How to Be Enough, delves into the nuances of perfectionism, how it affects teens, and offers guidance on fostering self-acceptance while maintaining drive and ambition. Sponsored by Equip: Eating disorder treatment that works—delivered at home. Visit equip.health/talking for more information, and a free consultation. Full Show Notes In a world where teens are striving to excel in grades, sports, arts, and social standing, societal pressure and self-imposed standards can frequently lead to a feeling of inadequacy. Many teenagers, despite achieving great things, grapple with the invisible weight of not being "enough." As parents and mentors, it's crucial to comprehend this ongoing "silent epidemic" of perfectionism that threatens to undermine their self-worth. Our guest today, Dr. Ellen Hendriksen, provides an enlightening take on this pervasive issue. A reputable clinical psychologist and author, Ellen's latest book, How to Be Enough, explores the intricate dance between striving for excellence and recognizing innate worth. Whether you identify as a perfectionist or are raising one, this episode is rich with insights that illuminate the road to self-acceptance. Ellen explains how perfectionism, often seen as a quest for flawlessness, is actually a misdirected convincing that one is never truly enough. Yet, it’s not all bad. She points out the positive side of conscientiousness—when drive turns into relentless self-criticism, though, that's when perfectionism becomes unhealthy. In our conversation, we gauge how to identify when this line is crossed. The Perfectionism Pendulum Perfectionism doesn’t just show up; it has roots, be it familial, societal, or personal predispositions. The discussion digs into patterns in family dynamics, such as anxious rearing and contingent love that may unknowingly perpetuate high-stakes environments for teens. Ellen unpacks how these environments can entrench the belief that self-worth is earned, not given. For parents of adolescents, recognizing how perfectionism manifests during these formative years can offer insights into what it means to provide unconditional love—emphasizing love independent of achievement. Supporting Exploration Over Perfection Ellen reminds us that adolescence is a time of exploration. Teens can feel trapped in a cycle of sticking only to what they excel at, driven by external praise and a need for validation. This episode emphasizes the importance of supporting your child in breaking free from this mold, encouraging them to try new things without fear of judgment, and valuing the process over the outcome. Using Values to Overcome Criticism Shifting focus from labels to values can be a solid strategy for overcoming self-critical thoughts and preserving self-worth. Instead of defining oneself by arbitrary or external standards, teens and adults alike can cultivate a life driven by values. A focus on personal growth and learning rather than fulfilling rigid expectations can pave the way for a healthier mindset. Fostering Warmth and Relationships Finally, the episode underscores the significance of warmth and connection over sheer competence. Ellen advises that fostering sincere relationships requires emphasizing kindness and intention over an endless pursuit of correctness, often the hiding place of perfectionism. This principle resounds through both family interactions and broader social connections, fostering a healthier community atmosphere for teens. In the Episode... My discussion with Ellen Hendriksen was as insightful as it was reassuring. Among the fascinating concepts explored in this episode, we also cover: The difference between healthy and unhealthy perfectionism How gender roles play into adolescent perfectionism Strategies to shift from rigid to flexible thinking Specific steps parents can take to support self-acceptance in teens To delve deeper into these life-changing insights and more, check out How to be Enough and visit Ellen's website at ellenhendriksen.com. Don’t forget to share this episode and subscribe for more thought-provoking discussions.  Sponsored by Equip: Eating disorder treatment that works—delivered at home. Visit equip.health/talking for more information, and a free consultation.