Ep 25: Mental Strength for Teens

Amy Morin, bestselling author of 13 Things Mentally Strong People
Don't Do, and a leading expert on how to instill grit and
emotional strength in children, discusses lessons she learned
from her years as a foster parent to dozens of children and as a
psychologist who helps families through difficult transitions.


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Full show notes


At some point your child may have to deal with the sudden loss of
a job, or a friend, or even you or your spouse. If your kid isn’t
prepared to deal with fear and other hard emotions in life, these
big events can be devastating. Being unable to deal with hardship
can lead to addictive and self-destructive behaviors. How do you
prepare your kids for the hardest moments in life?


Some hardships in life you just can’t predict, but there are
still steps you can take to prepare. Your teen doesn’t know when
a grandparent is going to be diagnosed with an illness, but you
can teach your teen about resilience through a mental toughness
activity. More often than not, teaching your kid mental toughness
is knowing when to role model, and when to step back and let them
learn on their own. It’s a fine line!


To help understand what actions parents can take to help their
child with mental toughness, I spoke with Amy Morin. Amy is one
of the world’s leading experts on mental strength, and she is all
about practical advice. Her TED Talk has over 13 million views
and is one of the 30 most popular talks of all time. It sheds
light on what a true mental toughness activity looks like. She is
a foster parent with incredible stories about resilience, and the
author of the international bestseller, 13 Things Mentally Strong
People Don’t Do.


On this episode I got to talk to her about her new book, 13
Things Mentally Strong Parents Don’t Do. (Yes, Parents,
specifically.)


At this point, some of you might be asking, “Wait, I thought this
was about mental strength for kids?”


Teenage Resistance to Behavior Modification


It’s true, Amy wrote this book because one of the top questions
she got from the first was, “What’s a mental toughness activity
for kids that actually works?”


Amy agrees that this is a valid question. Kids don’t go to
kindergarten and first grade to learn a mental toughness
activity, but they are immediately swamped with homework and the
fear of messing up.


Kids need to learn cognitive social skills earlier. Studies show
that kids in college feel academically prepared, but lack the
social and emotional skills to deal with stress, loneliness, and
other new life problems. If school isn’t teaching a mental
toughness activity at all, parents are left responsible for
teaching kids resilience. This is
okay!
Amy points out that, as a parent, you probably know your kid’s
tendencies better than anyone. This also means that your kid is
aware of your tendencies as a parent. When children enter the
teen years, they are sensitively tuned into the ways you might
try to modify their behavior and often pull away. It’s going to
be tricky to teach a mental toughness activity (or any life
lesson) if they’re trying to differentiate from you.


Studies show the need for teenage autonomy peaks at 14. Having
autonomy means grasping for your own authority. It can be
threatening for parents when their household authority is
questioned by teens in a power struggle. How do you keep control
when your teenager is pushing back more and more?


Amy says it’s important for a parent to show they’re in charge,
but that they value their kid’s opinion. Ultimately, teenage
pushback is going to ruffle your feathers, but if you can keep
your cool and your values, it can be an opportunity to role model
mental toughness. Amy believes that modeling values is an
effective, albeit subliminal, mental toughness activity.


Role Modeling Values


Why is mental toughness so hard to teach to a teenager?


Bad situations are opportunities to make a good choice as a
parent. How you respond to negative situations communicates your
values. You just have to clarify what life lesson you’re trying
to impart. This isn’t always easy!


Amy gives an example of a dad who told his son to clean up his
toys before the rain came or he would throw them out. The son
disobeyed the dad, and the toys got rained on. Now the dad had to
decide whether or not he would go forward on his word. He didn’t
want to throw his son’s toys out, but he also didn’t want to have
to apologize to his son for saying something he didn’t mean.


Amy firmly believes, though, that if you underscore the life
lesson you want to teach, you will know what you have to do.
Parents shouldn’t be afraid to apologize to their kids.


If parents can role model overcoming fear of apologizing to their
children, it will be a lot easier to teach teens to overcome fear
when they encounter it. If teens see you facing your fear,
they’ll be a little bit more receptive when you try to engage
them in a mental toughness activity.


Teaching Teens to Tolerate Fear


Teaching your kid a mental toughness activity to tolerate fear
will help them grow in resilience, and be more prepared for
stressful situations as an adult.


You might think that teens have no fear. They’re trying drugs and
driving cars too fast, but they are still scared to do things
like give a presentation or admit their mistakes.


You might think you’re doing them a favor by saying,


“It’s not a big deal.”
“That presentation will be over before you know it. Don’t even
worry about it.”
But minimizing teens’ fears doesn’t help them learn about
overcoming obstacles!


Amy says a conversation can help so much. Asking a teen about his
or her worries shows that fear isn’t something to be minimized,
but something that they need to go through. When you are
validating your teen’s fears and giving them your attention, you
will find the opportunity to teach him or her a mental toughness
activity. Amy even offers some examples of healthy ways teens can
cope with their discomfort.


Takeaways for Parents!


When the hardest days in life happen, facing your emotions can be
terrifying. Amy has learned from painful life experiences that
you should not let fear stop you.


There’s no one mental toughness activity that can fully prepare a
person for grief and loss, but there are tools and strategies
that you can give your kids for when that day comes. Sometimes,
you might find a mental toughness activity that your teen eagerly
adopts. Other times the best you can do is be a role model!
Either way, every teen is different and needs their own mental
toughness activity that works for them. Thankfully, Amy knows
what she’s talking about and has a lot that she’s willing to
share. Other topics we discuss in this interview include:


Why kids need to be bored sometimes

Letting your kid learn how to fail

“Speak Up or Shut Up” - the art of walking this fine line

Your kid with authorities

How to set good rules in the house

Shared journaling

Parents on learning tech savviness

The effe...