Ep 26: The Teenage Achievement Trap

Brandilyn Tebo, bestselling author of The Achievement Trap and a
retreat leader and life coach, says it's important for parents to
help teens develop a practice of unconditional self love. This
episode is full of word-for-word scripts you can use to make it
happen with your own teenager.


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Full show notes


A fear of shame can be pretty darn motivating. We can place our
teens’ worth in their accomplishments, like a carrot in front of
a bunny rabbit, and get some impressive results from them.
However, if they stumble and mess up, our teens will experience
shame.


If our teenager’s sense of self-worth tied directly to their
achievements, they might feel unworthy of love after falling
short. When teens feel this shame, they can sometimes try to cope
with dangerously self-destructive behavior. But if we don’t
motivate our teens with an innate fear of shame, how can we be
sure they’re inspired enough to achieve success on their own? Are
there ways to help teens build a sense of self-worth that will
inspire them to be successful?


I’m here with the amazing transformational coach, Brandilyn Tebo,
to provide the answer!


I was definitely eager to hear if she knew some ways to help
teens build a sense of self-worth. Brandilyn is the author of The
Achievement Trap: The Overachiever, People-Pleaser, and
Perfectionist’s Guide to Freedom and True Success. She believes
everything we do should be a joyful form of self-expression, and
not a fearful form of self-justification. She travels the world
teaching empowerment workshops to high schools, prisons,
colleges, and Fortune 500 companies. Her website features a blog,
and a podcast, and all of her knowledge is backed by research!


The Achievement Trap


The idea that you’re only good enough by virtue of your
accomplishments is what Brandilyn calls The Achievement Trap.


The Achievement Trap tells us that being worthy of love is not
our birthright. It’s a belief that Brandilyn finds highly
objectionable, because as social creatures, humans need to feel
loved. She wants all of us, especially teens, to learn that we
are worthy of love regardless of our level of success.


When pursuing ways to help teens build a sense of self-worth,
parents need to identify their own self-esteem issues that’ve
been passed on to their offspring. Brandilyn explains that the
Achievement Trap is an inherited belief system that parents pass
on to future generations, mainly out of love! This is because
parents believe that if they ignore the value of success when
pressuring their children, then their kids will fail to make
anything with their lives. She understands this parental fear,
that kids will be unhappy and unfulfilled if they are not
motivated to be successful.


It’s so easy to believe that the best ways to help teens build a
sense of self-worth are through pressure tactics. If your teen
isn’t pressured to get straight-As, doesn’t that mean they will
be less likely to have success and happiness? This isn’t what
Brandilyn believes. A perfect report card is not the best
predictor of success, and it’s a terrible predictor of happiness.


Choosing Who You Want to Be


Yes, there are worthy benefits to having academic success.
However, Brandilyn is confident that straight-As can be a
byproduct of a healthier goal, and not the goal itself. There are
ways to help teens build a sense of self-worth free from the fear
of failure.


Brandilyn believes that in order to find ways to help teens build
a sense of self-worth, we need to teach them to choose who they
want to be in every moment. Teens need to know that they don’t
have to get straight-As to prove they value their education. They
can choose to be a curious learner regardless of the results.


One of the most effective ways to help teens build a sense of
self-worth is to teach them that results don’t actually matter.
Results are irrelevant to how teens perceive themselves. In fact,
Brandilyn points out that if you are being who you want to be “in
the moment,” then the results will show up. If a teen chooses to
be a curious learner, they will probably learn and get a good
grade.


This might sound like wishful thinking, but this alternative idea
to The Achievement Trap is what Brandilyn’s research and teaching
is all about!


The “Secret to Happiness”


Brandilyn swears that ways to help teens build a sense of
self-worth begin with a simple idea. She says the idea of being
committed to something and simultaneously unattached to the
results is the “secret to happiness.” But how do you learn to be
unattached to the results of something you’re committed to?


There’s nuance between being committed to your teen get
straight-As, and ensuring your teen values learning. When your
commitment is to a perfect report card, both you and your teen
will feel ashamed when they come home with a B. When the
commitment is to the learning itself, though, you will both have
the freedom to address the sub-perfect report card free of shame!


Among the most valuable ways to help teens build a sense of
self-worth is refraining from placing too much importance on
grades. If you criticize your teen for getting a B, they might be
more motivated to get an A, but that is different from being more
motivated to learn. If your teen is afraid of the shame of a B,
what’s to stop them from cheating to get the A? If your
commitment is instead to the value of learning, then the B means
something totally different! Instead of the grade being a
failure, it becomes an opportunity to grow. You can say:


“Hey, nice work. I can see you’re learning. What might you do
differently to learn more next semester? What is hard to learn
about this subject?”


This detaches the grade from the child’s sense of self-worth. It
still emphasizes that learning is important, but it does so
without attacking your teen as a bad learner. If you are
unattached from the idea of a perfect report card, you have the
freedom to be curious about what your teen is struggling with.
You can inspire your teen to overcome obstacles by reinforcing
their identity as a good, curious learner.


To free ourselves up to have these conversations and find ways to
help teens build a sense of self-worth, Brandilyn notes an
important step that parents ought to consider…


Sourcing the Fear


Brandilyn explains that we’ve all been programmed to motivate
ourselves through fear and shame. We are taught them as
supposedly proven ways to help teens build a sense of self-worth.
She believes that as a parent, though, the best thing you can do
is look within yourself. In what ways are you still holding onto
beliefs about The Achievement Trap?


Your kids are going to be affected by your behavior around this
belief system. It’s important to look out for ways they’re
picking up leftover beliefs about The Achievement Trap, and
addressing them. The best question you can ask, according to
Brandilyn, is:


“Who are you afraid of losing love from?...