Ep 27: Awkward Talks with Teens

David McGlynn, author of "One Day You'll Thank Me" along with two
other books, gets candid about tough talks. By stepping up and
doing the awkward talks with his own kids, McGlynn developed some
important insights about how to approach the toughest parenting
conversations.


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Full show notes


How do you keep a straight face when your 12-year-old son calls
his younger brother a “humongous dick weed?” Of course it’s not
okay, but it can be a little hard not to laugh.


Starting difficult conversation with teens in moments like this
can prevent small problems from turning into bigger ones. If you
fail to do so, you might find yourself called into the
principal’s office from work because your son got in trouble for
swearing at his classmates.


This is what happened with David McGlynn and his boys. David is
an associate professor of English at Lawrence University, and an
award-winning author of three books: The End of the Straight and
Narrow, A Door in the Ocean, and One Day You’ll Thank Me: Lessons
From an Unexpected Fatherhood. He has written for Men’s Health,
Real Simple, Parents, The New York Times, Swimmer, Best American
Sports Writing, and numerous other literary journals. He has
amazing stories to share, especially when it comes to starting
difficult conversation with teens.


Honest Relationships


David’s third book, One Day You’ll Thank Me, shares many humorous
anecdotes from his life raising two boys. What all of these
stories boil down to, though, is one relatable struggle of a
father trying to connect with his sons. When starting difficult
conversation with teens, he found that it was important to have a
strong connection first. Creating a strong connection with
teenagers, though, is easier said than done.


Teenagers will do almost anything to avoid trouble with parents.
They are especially well-versed in lying to get out of trouble.
Research on teenage truthfulness shows that most teens lie to
their parents. David was no exception, and he relates his
experiences as a boy to his own sons.


As a teenager David was always willing to lie to get out of
trouble with his mom. The one person he never lied to, though,
was his dad. I really wanted to know the secret to this
relationship that allowed such openness with his father.


David had an unusual relationship with his father. He only saw
his dad four weeks out of the year growing up. Most conversations
they had were via payphone. Cramped in a small phonebooth,
talking through a wire, David says he felt like he was in a
confessional booth. Starting difficult conversation with teens
was easy with his dad because there was a sense of anonymity due
to their physical distance. This alone is not what produced
David’s honesty, however.


What David’s dad did that made him feel like he could be honest
and open was NOT JUDGE. David says that his
father always was, and still is, calm. Starting difficult
conversation with teens was easier for David because his dad
would never yell at, shame, or criticize him. With kindness and
patience, his dad taught him over the phone how to be more
truthful.


David’s dad taught him that parents should be
calm, non-judgmental, and
ready to listen before starting difficult
conversation with teens.


Most parents, though, aren’t starting difficult conversation with
teens via payphone. So, what is some more practical advice for
parents?


Why Don’t Teens Wanna Talk? It Could be Tech


As a teacher, David learned that starting difficult conversation
with teens was easier when parents empathized with the
awkwardness. In his classroom, David has found that face-to-face
conversations among his students had become more rare.
Discussions were happening more and more over text messages, and
he believes an element of connectedness is lost in this change.
He observes that teens are using texting as a way of avoiding
awkwardness in relationships.


Teens are awkward people, highly emotional, and sensitive. As
they are still developing their social skills, starting difficult
conversation with teens face-to-face can be a source of anxiety
for them. Because of this, a lot of teens seem to be reverting to
texting as a way to avoid awkwardness in conversations.
Inadvertently, they can be missing out on opportunities to learn
important social skills such as intimacy, trust, and reading
others’ social cues. This can affect how willing teens are to
embrace awkward, albeit serious, conversations at home.


David points out that no matter how much tech we put between us
and other people, we are still human beings! We need strong,
in-person relationships. He says that there is something powerful
about looking someone in the eye and saying,


“I know this is not an easy topic, but it’s something we need to
talk about.”
I love this because it ties in so well with our research at
Talking to Teens!


Embrace the Awkward


Something we teach parents at Talking to Teens is to embrace the
awkward and frame the awkward as a sign of love. Parents must
acknowledge that although certain topics are awkward for both
parties, starting difficult conversation with teens about these
topics are necessary.


When it was time for David to talk to his boys about sex, he felt
awkward and scared. He had found “searches” on the family iPad,
and knew that his 8-year-old son was beginning to get adventurous
in his online searches. He knew the talk was necessary, but was
so afraid of messing up and making his boys feel uncomfortable
about the topic.


“If I screw this up, they’ll never listen to me
again…”
To find a way to make “the talk” less awkward, he asked his
students about their “talks” with their parents.


Unanimously, his students responded by saying how awkward it was!
Apparently, no parent had found a way to make the talk not
awkward. David thought his students were being useless and
unhelpful, until he realized:


“No matter what I do, the conversation is going to be awkward!
Great!”
So David had the conversation with his boys, and it was very
awkward, and it was great.


David says that the awkwardness was actually a gift! He explains
it was good to brave the awkwardness and step up and do the
talk––That’s what parents do. He relates it to the way that we
don’t love disciplining our kids, but we know that our kids need
to face consequences every once in a while.


Kids need to know that awkward conversations are normal, and it’s
okay to just put them out there. The hope, David says, is that
our children might come back later and share other awkward things
that are going on so parents can help. Plus, he wants his boys to
be confident that he and his wife will always be open to starting
difficult conversation with teens no matter how awkward.


So Many Applications


Of course there are lots of nuances to starting difficult
conversation with teens d...