Ep 28: Connect then Redirect

Todd Cartmell, author of 8 Simple Tools for Raising Great Kids,
explains how to get a strong bond with a teenager and then use
this as a home base to redirect them to a better way. He says you
need to start by fixing your relationship with the teen, then
their behavior will follow.


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Full show notes


Connect Then Redirect


Parents of teens are all too familiar with this scenario: You
want to find ways to build a strong bond with your teen but
you’re often met with indifference. You try to think of simple,
non-invasive questions that might get them to engage with you.
“How’s school?” “Who’s that girl you’ve been hanging out with?”
“What did you and Jason see at the movies?” And you’re met with
one word responses: “good,” “no one,” “I don’t know.” Maybe all
you get is silence because they don’t even bother to take out
their headphones.


It’s understandable; your kids do not want to talk to you about
who they have a crush on or why they’re fighting with their best
friend. We can all remember feeling embarrassed by our parents.
Thinking every little thing they say is annoying, believing that
everything they do is an attempt to completely control our lives.
But now that you’re a parent, you probably feel differently.


This constant battle to find ways to build a strong bond with
your teenage kids can feel frustrating and even hurtful at times.
You try so hard to not just be their protector but their
confidant, to show them how much you care and want to be there
for them. You want your teens to come to you with their problems,
but your eagerness to help might make them run the other way.


Obviously, it’s important to help steer your teen in the right
direction when they are facing the many challenges, peer
pressures, and awkward situations that come with adolescence. You
want them to make responsible choices and be respectful towards
others but how can you find ways to build a strong bond with your
teen if they won’t open up to you?


Todd Cartmell has some solutions for this. In addition to being a
clinical child psychologist, Cartmell is the author of 8 Simple
Tools for Raising Great Kids. This book discusses various ways to
build a strong bond with your teen by partaking in simple,
leisurely activities that help develop a mutual respect between
parent and child.


Manifesting Time Together


Having raised two boys, Cartmell uses his parenting experiences
to pinpoint ways to build a strong bond with your teen. He
explains that before delving into conversations about “the hard
stuff,” you first have to focus on creating an enjoyable
environment for them. This translates into doing activities that
they enjoy, not just stuff that you like to do.


Instead of forcing them to go shopping or watch football, which
they might find excruciatingly boring, seek out an activity that
your teen is interested in. For example, Cartmell saw that though
he himself found little joy in playing Mario Kart, it was a game
that his boys loved to play. He realized that it didn’t matter
whether he liked playing the game or not. You have to find ways
to build a strong bond with your teen in a setting that they are
comfortable in—even if that means spending an entire afternoon
being brutally beaten at video games.


Parent’s must realize that as their kids grow older and find new
interests, opportunities to spend quality time with them become
more scarce. Cartmell reiterates that participating in seemingly
one-sided activities can actually be a tool for developing
camaraderie with your kids. He states that these activities often
serve as catalysts for more important conversations to come up.
Manifesting opportunities to have fun with your kids will help
them see you in a more positive light and will in turn make them
more willing to listen when it comes to having more difficult
conversations.


Operant Conditioning and the Pour On Technique


Cartmell discusses the benefits of using operant conditioning
techniques with teenagers, which are associations between
particular behaviors and the positive or negative consequences
that follow. These techniques are especially helpful when it
comes to distilling values and finding ways to build a strong
bond with your teen. He encourages parents to sit down with their
teens and mutually agree on specific values to work on, such as
integrity or respect. You must then show your teen how learning
these values can benefit them in multiple facets of their life.
For example, when discussing the values of respect you must
establish that it’s not only a crucial element of teen-parent
relationships, it’s also important in any friendship or romantic
relationship. Showing them the social worth in these values may
increase the effectiveness that these conversations have on them.


Cartmell also discusses a method he calls the Pour on Technique.
After you’ve discussed why values such as respect are important,
the Pour on Technique then requires you to focus on High
Frequency. This means being extremely attentive in identifying
when your teen is acting in a respectful manner and consistently
praising them for doing so. Responding at a High Frequency means
you need to notice every time they are being respectful, not just
25% of the time. This teaches them to always associate respectful
behavior with a reward, whether that be increased privileges or
positive feedback on your behalf.


Cartmell also emphasizes the importance of complimenting teens in
a concrete way that specifically identifies what they’ve done
right and why you appreciate it so much. Rather than simply
saying “Good job!” say “I really appreciate that you cleaned the
dishes after I only asked you one time.” Specifically identifying
positive behaviors and complimenting them for it are great ways
to build a strong bond with your teen and encourage them to
continue practicing good habits.


Creating No-Judgement Zones


In addition to spending time doing activities your teens enjoy,
Cartmell urges you to find ways to build a strong bond with your
teen that are intellectually stimulating without being
intimidating. He states that it’s important for families to
create no-judgement zones where teens can practice conversational
skills and develop opinions on various topics.


Cartmell suggests a game where all participants sit in a circle
and one person holds an object, such as a red ball. Whoever’s
holding the ball has the floor to share their views on a given
topic. Once they're done, the next one with the ball is only
allowed to share their opinion once they’ve summarized everything
the last person said. This teaches your teen that in order to be
heard, they in turn have to give the same respect and
attentiveness to others.


Bonding Exercises and Correcting Bad Habits


In this interview, Cartmell further discusses exercises for
encouraging positive habits and ways to build a strong bond with
your teen. Other topics we cover include:


Developing the foundation for a strong and trusting
parent-teen relationship

Determining when and how to approach hard subjects with your
kids

Identifying the root of your teen’s bad habits and changing
them

...