Ep 29: Finding Your Identity

Paul Angone, author of 101 Questions You Need to Ask In Your
Twenties, discusses the process of finding your identity and your
unique "secret sauce" to bring to the world. The key is to push
teens to take on increasingly more responsibility in their lives
while also taking the right kinds of risks.


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Full show notes


Similarities between Adolescence and Your 20s


While at times we feel freed from the teenage identity issues
that held us back in our youth, there are moments in our adult
life when we feel just as small and humiliated as we did at 16.
It’s undeniable that recovering from hardship can gradually make
you more resilient and able to face challenges. If dealt with
healthily, lessons learned from hardship can inspire creative and
professional pursuits later in life. However, you must first
develop the maturity and introspective skills to be able to look
back and laugh, knowing that you’re wiser because of the mistakes
you’ve made.


A variety of pressures can contribute to teenage identity issues.
While it’s not necessary for a teen to decide what they want to
do with their lives at 14, it’s at this age teens begin thinking
about how their grades, extracurricular activities, and hobbies
can determine what they do with their future. Comparing your
teen's successes to those of peers can further complicate this
issue.


Is it bad that your teen is only focusing on soccer while their
friend plays two sports while also putting in volunteer hours? It
can be damaging to a teen’s self esteem to give in to comparing
themself to their peers. While healthy competition between teens
can be used as a motivational tool, comparing often gives way to
feelings of inferiority. Instead of motivating a teen to work
harder, it might cause them to have a “why should I even try?”
attitude.


As a parent, you should avoid telling your teen what to do with
their life because they might directly rebel against you or feel
like their choices belong to you, not to them. It’s a tricky line
you walk as a parent; you want to help them through any teenage
identity issues by showing them their unrealized strengths, yet
still give them freedom. Teenagers crave control and it would
disservice your relationship if you were to push them too
hard—but what if their lack of motivation is getting in the way
of their success?


For Paul Angone, the answer to these teenage identity issues came
in the form of a question––101 to be exact. Often labeled as a
one of the "leading voices to millenials,” Angone is the author
of 101 Questions You Need to Ask in Your Twenties (And Let's Be
Honest, Your Thirties too). He has also studied the generational
differences between Millenials and Baby Boomers, and started the
popular blog All Groan Up a place for those asking “what now?”


In this episode, we discuss how Paul uses 101 questions to help
teens discover who they are, to use success and failure to shape
(but not define) your future, and to recognize the false facades
social media often presents as reality. Though this book focuses
on your 20s, in this interview we dive into how reading this book
during adolescence can actually be a “cheat sheet” to overcoming
teenage identity issues and determining what you want to do with
your future.


Finding your Secret Sauce and Learning from
Failures


Paul talks at length about teenage identity issues and the
process of finding your “secret sauce.” This sauce is a
combination of your god-given strengths as well as strengths
you’ve acquired by persevering through hard times. For example,
your teen may be naturally gifted at math but what really makes
them unique is how failing a history test forced them to study
harder than ever before. Getting a good grade in history meant
more to your teen than excelling in math because their hard work
actually paid off. Your teen’s secret sauce is not only what
they’re naturally gifted at but the work they are willing to put
in to gain new strengths.


The key to encouraging teens to take on more responsibilities is
teaching them to take the right kind of risks. You need to help
them get out of their comfort zones and try something they are
afraid of without causing teenage identity issues. It’s important
to show your teen everything they can gain from taking a
risk––new friends, new exciting experiences, a more well-rounded
outlook on life.


Paul recognizes that while getting your teen to try new things
may be challenging, the reward oftentimes outweighs the risk.
Things that seem unfamiliar and intimidating can end up being
formative experiences for teens. Say your kid is unsure of
whether they want to go to tennis camp or not. Perhaps this is
the first time they’ll be away from you for a week. There’s a
chance that they won’t like the other kids or that they’ll
realize they’re the worst tennis player there. But maybe, being
the “worst” will force them to work harder than everyone else and
to learn from older kids who were once in their place.


Like taking risks, assigning new responsibilities to teens
doesn’t come without its struggles. There may be times your teen
will fail because they are unfamiliar with handling big
responsibilities of their own. It’s tempting as a parent to
automatically drop everything and take some of the stress off
their teen’s hands. In order to help kids overcome teenage
identity issues, Paul urges you to not succumb to this temptation
right away. He states that you need to determine how big this
fall is going to be and how much it’ll be worth it to come out on
the other side a more capable person.


Most of the time, experiencing new things or taking on a new
responsibility is not as scary as it seems. Part of overcoming
teenage identity issues is dependent on how much they learn from
new experiences or even failures. Sometimes the risks they take
may even lead to their greatest achievements.


Social Media Pressures on Teen Identity


Paul also touches on the role that social media plays in
contributing to teenage identity issues. He discusses the idea of
Obsessive Comparison Disorder, which is perceived success that
other people are displaying online. Paul has figured out a whole
new dimension to the fears that arise from the presence of social
media in a teen’s life, and in this episode he dives in to how
parents can help reduce the impact it has on their kid.


Of course no one wants to reveal their greatest insecurities
online. But teens aren’t wired to see this when they’re looking
at a picture on Instagram of someone winning 1st place, or at
prom with their beautiful girlfriend, or getting accepted to
their first pick of college. They only see what they don’t have.
In this episode, Paul explains how parents can help teens
understand the false facades of social media along with other
tactics to overcoming teenage identity issues, including…


Helping your teens find their soul values-- core beliefs that
drive their future decisions

Determining what your teens are and aren’t willing to
sacrifice for success

Teaching your kids to think before they post



This was a very uplifting and therapeutic episode that really
gets you to think about personal growth you’ve made since your
teen years. I hope that this 43 minute discussion with Paul
Angone will help you share with your kids how hard times and
failures in life can help them overcome teenage identity is...