Ep 30: Puberty and Body Changes

Suanne Kowal Connelly, author of Parenting Through Puberty,
reveals when to start talking about puberty, how to start the
conversation, and the important topics to discuss. Suanne also
explains how to use techniques from Motivational Interviewing to
improve your effectiveness during these talks.


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Full show notes


Watching teenagers going through puberty can feel like a serious
loss of control. Not only are you seeing your teen go through
intense physical changes, but you’re bearing witness as their
personality evolves every single day. One day you wake up and
they’re not only taller than you, but hanging out with kids
you’ve never met and using slang you don’t understand! The social
and emotional changes going on inside them are like nothing
they’ve ever felt before—and like nothing you’ve ever had to deal
with as a parent.


These changes are occurring because teenagers going through
puberty are preparing themselves for independent adult life. You
want your teenager to ride this evolutionary wave and become a
functional, autonomous adult—but allowing them to have
independence is terrifying! What do you do when your teen begins
staying out late with their friends, driving, forming romantic
relationships, and making their own decisions?


As our teenagers are going through puberty, it’s important to
talk to them about values and behavior so they can become strong,
happy adults. It can be hard to have these talks, but they are so
valuable when it comes to protecting teens’ well-being! We want
teenagers going through puberty to be independent and make their
own choices, but without guidance, they might end up making
choices they regret.


Today’s guest is Dr. Suanne Kowal Connelly, author of Parenting
Through Puberty: Mood Swings, Acne, and Growing Pains. She’s
helped kids and parents as a pediatrician for over 30 years, and
sits on several counsels for the American Academy of Pediatrics.
She’s not only an academic professional in the field of child
development, but has also been at the wheel herself as the mother
of three adult sons.


A Doctor and A Mom!


In fact, Dr. Connelly originally decided to write a book about
teenagers going through puberty when she noticed a certain
disparity between her experiences as a mother and a pediatrician.
As a mom, she would constantly hear other mothers brag about how
successful or healthy their kids were. In her practice, however,
she found that the majority of parents tended to be insecure
about their child’s physical, social, mental and emotional
progress; things that they couldn’t control. As a doctor, Suanne
discovered what worries parents the most about teenagers going
through puberty. As a mother, she realized just how afraid adults
are to talk about those worries.


Knowing that many parents were embarrassed to discuss these
anxieties, she decided to become a public voice that could offer
solutions to common worries. She resolved to use her knowledge
from years of working with teens as a health professional and a
mother to help put parents everywhere at ease.


In this episode, Dr. Connelly shares tips on how to help parents
with teenagers going through puberty navigate the physical aspect
of these changes, and so much more. She starts by answering the
common query about when parents should step in and begin having
conversations with teenagers about their developing bodies.


A Secret Tell-Tale Sign of Puberty


Interestingly, Suanne says the best time to start talking to
teenagers about puberty is when you notice a change in their foot
size! She explains that teenagers grow from the outside in, and
their feet and hands are generally the first to get bigger. When
you observe a change in the size of your kid’s feet, this means
they are in the beginning stage of teenagers going through
puberty.


So, your teenager has outgrown their third pair of sneakers this
month and you’re off to the shoe store again. It might be time to
finally address their physical transformation. You want to reach
out to them...but you’re not quite sure how to talk to teenagers
going through puberty.


As a doctor, Suanne gives “the talk” every day. It’s not the same
“talk” you might be thinking of, in which parents give their
teens information about the birds and the bees. Instead, this
“talk” is more of an interview. It’s the time of a pediatric exam
when the doctor takes a teen or pre-teen aside from their parents
and asks them about substance use, sexual activity, and social
life, among other things. Delivering these talks for so many
years has helped Suanne understand how to talk to teenagers going
through puberty.


And she’s here to share them with you!


The Big Question


I start by asking Dr. Connelly the million dollar question: how
do we start these conversations with teenagers going through
puberty? Instead of asserting yourself to start a conversation
about puberty teenage years, Dr. Connelly recommends asking your
teenager for permission first. Asking your teenager if they’re
comfortable talking about what’s going on with them helps you
seem more approachable. It also allows them to feel comfortable,
like they have a certain control over the conversation. They’ll
be more receptive to talking about themselves and their
experiences if they’ve agreed to do so first.


Motivational Interviewing


This is part of an approach to counseling called
motivational interviewing. This emerging
technique is highly recommended by the American Association of
Pediatrics, and is one of the most promising methods for
counseling of any kind—but especially for having tough talks with
teenagers going through puberty. It stresses the practice of
empathy, a lack of judgment, and positive reinforcement.


It may sound complicated, but it's actually very simple! I’ll
walk you through the basics.


Say you want to talk to your teen about the dangers of smoking or
vaping.


Start out by asking your teenager if they would be open to a
conversation on the subject. By asking them first, you’re sending
them the message that the two of you are on the same level and
providing a safe space. You’re showing them respect and in doing
so, gaining trust.


If they agree to a discussion, you can ask them some questions
about smoking: do they smoke or vape? Do their friends smoke or
vape? How do they feel about the idea of smoking overall?


The next thing to focus on when responding to these questions is
positive reinforcement. If your child says that their friends
smoke and vape but they don’t, praise them for their ability to
maintain their integrity in the face of peer pressure. That’s not
easy, and they should be recognized for their strength of
character. But at the same, refrain from judging or scolding your
teenager as much as you can because negative reinforcement is not
as healthy.


But how do you positively reinforce behavior you don’t agree
with, such as smoking? You don’t. You want to hold off on
judgment and use empathy instead. In many cases, teens get into
smoking due to peer pressure, a force that parents like Suanne
can totally relate to and empathize with. Many parents can feel
pressured from other parents to conform to certain ideas about
raising children. And I think everyone has felt pressured to
change an opinion based on what coworkers and friends might
think.


Teachable ...