Ep 33: Does Your Teen Bully You?

Sean Grover, author of "When Kids Call the Shots", discusses the
hidden psychology that leads teenagers to bully their parents and
reals simple strategies you can use to regain control from your
teenager if you find yourself getting bullied. Sean has
identified three main reasons parents get bullied.


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Full show notes


Teen Guilt Trips


Ever completely forgotten something that you promised your teen
you’d be there for? Maybe you were so busy at work that your
kid’s soccer game totally slipped your mind. When you finally get
a call from your kid, or realize out of the blue that, “Wait a
minute, I’m supposed to be somewhere else right now!” you’ve
already missed the whole thing entirely and feel awful. You’ve
taught your kid to be accountable and to always follow through
when they say they’re going to do something, yet how can you
expect this from them if you can’t even do it yourself?


It’s possible that your teen will be forgiving and say that it’s
not a big deal—but probably not. If you’re dealing with a
dramatic, hormonal teenager there’ll probably be some level of
guilt and frustration placed on you. Aren’t teenagers supposed to
be the irresponsible ones, not adults? Aren’t you always supposed
to be there for them no matter what? In the moment, you might be
willing to do anything to make it up to your teen—giving them a
boost in their allowance, letting them have a later curfew,
buying them a new phone. Sometimes bribery can be the easiest
road to forgiveness. But maybe not the wisest.


Feeling overwhelmed by guilt can cause you to give up your
control. Furthermore, allowing your teen to make you feel
inferior because of a mistake you’ve made can enable your teen to
bully you. If you’re looking for the best way to deal with
bullies, this episode is for you.


This week on the podcast, we speak with Sean Grover to discuss
the best way to deal with bullies who victimize their parents. He
is the author of the award-winning book When Kids Call the Shots:
How to Seize Control from Your Darling Bully and Enjoy Being a
Parent Again. Sean holds workshops around the country and works
privately with parents and teens to determine the best
way to deal with bullies in whatever form they present
themselves. He has mapped out the most common types of bullying
that occur in families and has developed specific strategies for
exactly how to get your teenager back under control.


Why your Teen is Bullying You


Sean states that to teens, bullying is not about being mean. Your
teenager is bullying you in order to manipulate you and get what
they want. He or she has realized that they can get things out of
you by making you feel bad about yourself.


Sean recounts a teen he worked with who was torturing his mom
because she missed his piano recital. When Sean suggested the boy
let his mom off the hook, he replied, "If I keep this up, I think
I can get a new laptop." Before accusing your teen of being
malicious for actions like this, think of where this reaction is
coming from. In order to find the best way to deal with bullies,
you must first reflect on what you’ve done to promote or enable
this kind of behavior.


Guilty, Anxious, and Do Everything Parent Types


In his book, Sean discusses the best way to deal with bullies and
three types of parents who often fall victim to such behavior:
the Guilty Parent, the Anxious Parent, and the Fix Everything
Parent.


Problem:


Guilty Parents blame themselves for their teen’s problems and try
to fix them themselves. Their own insecurities often lead them to
compare themselves to other parents and try too hard to make
their kids happy. This often stems from bad experiences they had
in childhood, such as parents who were abusive or too hard on
them. Children can pick up on what is specifically making them
feel guilty and take advantage of that to get what they want. If
the Guilty Parent sees giving rules to their teen as a type of
punishment this can worsen their guilt.


Solution:


For this type of parent, the best way to deal with bullies is to
first identify what made you feel this way in the first place.
You may view yourself as inadequate and therefore don’t have the
confidence to stand up to your kid out of fear that they won’t
like you for it. Sean states that these types of parents need to
realize that teens need boundaries and it’s in their best
interest to give that to them.


Problem:


Anxious Parents always see opportunities for failure and want to
prevent it at all costs. These parents often rob their kids of
discovering new things because they fear the unknown. Teens in
this situation may feel that their parent isn’t giving them any
freedom and as a result reflects rebellious or angry behavior
back.


Solution:


The best way to deal with bullies in this situation, Sean
explains, is to create a culture of talking through things before
they happen. You can’t prevent all bad things from happening to
your teen so it’s best to make sure they’re prepared. Anxious
Parents must have conversations with their teen, asking them what
they’d do in specific situations and talking through it together
in a calm manner. Engaging teens in problem solving activities
can ease the lack of control that has caused them to bully.


Problem:


Sean explains a Do Everything Parent as someone who can’t stand
to see their teen struggle. Who’s always ready to service their
kid and solve everything for them. Sean states that the
frustration that comes with problem solving is what truly evolves
a teen into a more mature person. When Fix Everything Parents
interrupt the problem solving process, they are stunting their
teen’s maturity.


Solution:


Sean suggests that the best way to deal with bullies in this
situation is to stop interrupting any chance for your teen to
struggle with a problem. Instead, he suggests highlighting their
unique approach to solving things in a way that you wouldn’t.


Types of Teen Bullies


In addition to parenting types, Sean discusses the best way to
deal with bullies of different types. He specifically delves into
the nature of defiant bullies, the type who want to prove that
they’re right and you’re wrong. Sean points out that you’re not
going to win with aggression. In this interview, he goes in depth
about defiant bullying behavior that teens reflect towards their
parents and how to counteract it. Sean also talks about the
responsibility that parents have to recall what it was like for
them as a teen in order to better relate and empathize with their
children. He also offers up creative solutions and exercises you
can use to identify teen aggression and how to positively channel
rather than punish this behavior.


Types of Teen Bullies


In addition to parenting types, Sean discusses the best way to
deal with bullies of different types. He specifically delves into
the nature of defiant bullies, the type who want to prove that
they’re right and you’re wrong. Sean points out that you’re not
going to win with aggression. In this interview, he goes in depth
about defiant bullying behavior that teens reflect towards their
parents and how to counteract it. Sean also talks about the
responsibility that p...