Ep 35: Parenting Like a Badass

Biz Ellis, the host of the "One Bad Mother", reveals how she
found her inner badass as a parent and learned how to be cool
again through her kids' eyes. She also points out a number of
ways in which you are probably already doing a great job and
should give yourself a pat on the back.


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Full show notes


The “Uncool” Parent


Teens are really good at letting parents know how completely and
utterly uncool we are at every chance they get. And if that’s not
enough, the media does a great job at exaggerating our
uncoolness. Pretty much all the characters we see in movies and
TV, like Phil Dunphy on Modern Family and Amy Polar in Mean
Girls, are stereotyped as out of touch with their teenagers and
clueless about popular culture and modern technology. While these
stereotypes are largely exaggerated, it’s not a stretch to say
that most parents wouldn’t put coolness at the top of their
skills list.


As a parent it can be easy to feel beat down and exhausted when
your teen scoffs at every out of date reference you make. But
what your teen doesn’t realize is that unlike them, parents
simply don’t have time to keep up with the latest trends. You’re
the one picking them up and driving them from place to place,
preparing their meals, keeping the house clean, making sure they
stay on top of their homework — all while trying to have some
sense of what’s going on in their social life. It can be near
impossible to simultaneously figure out the ever-changing world
of technology and listen to the music they think is cool. The
list of requirements for maintaining coolness and mastering the
art of parenting like a badass is something you
don’t seem to have time for — there’s already an
endless to-do list many parents have barely scratched the surface
of.


Maybe you’ve accepted that your teen is never going to think
you’re cool. In the grand scheme of things, you know “coolness”
is not so important, yet you’re sick of hearing, “You don’t know
who [insert popular singer/actor here] is?” It’s like you and
your teen speak a different language and unfortunately, they
don’t sell teen-to-parent translators on Amazon yet.


Somewhere in the process of raising kids, many parents have lost
touch with their inner badass. Any speck of “badassery” you once
had has been sacrificed for the sake of being a responsible
parent. So how do you go about parenting like a
badass and regaining the dignity you once had prior to
having kids?


This week’s podcast guest, Biz Ellis, has the answer. She is the
co-host of popular podcast One Bad Mother and author of the book,
You’re Doing a Great Job- 100 Ways You’re Winning at Parenting.
Biz experienced a "parent identity crisis" when she realized that
after becoming a mother, she no longer felt cool. After a process
of self-discovery and finding inspiration in a t-shirt her
husband made that said "One Bad Mother," she found her inner
parenting badass. In this episode Biz tells her story and reveals
insights into parenting like a badass, a skill
she has mastered by hosting over 200 episodes of one of the most
popular parenting podcasts on the planet


Finding Your Inner Badass


Before having kids, Biz thought she had it all — she lived in
Brooklyn, did sketch comedy, and went to clubs every weekend. She
thought of herself as being pretty cool — until she went on
maternity leave for her first child. Then, when people would ask
what she did for a living, Biz would feel ashamed to say she was
a stay-at-home mom. She felt that many of the labels or
identities given to mothers––like Soccer Mom—were inherently
uncool. She realized that maintaining the same coolness she once
had was a lot less effortless than expected. Transitioning into
parenting like a badass was going to take soul
searching.


Though Biz longed for the coolness she felt prior to motherhood,
she soon realized that wanting to return to your “old self” is a
toxic idea. It’s unrealistic to expect things like your pre-kid
social life and pre-kid body to remain the same once you’ve had
children. But instead of denying this and yearning for a time
that you’ll never get back, Biz suggests focusing on all you’ve
gained from becoming a parent. Everything you’ve sacrificed has
paved the way for you to become a better, tougher, and wiser
person with a beautiful child to show for it. For Biz, forgetting
the past and moving forward was the first step to
parenting like a badass.


Biz reveals that the next hurdle to parenting like a
badass is feeling like life is constantly passing you
by. One day you’re teaching your baby to walk and before you know
it, that baby is a teenager embarking on their first day of high
school. As lame as it may be to your teens, it’s hard to keep
composure when you think about the days when they needed your
help to cross the street or tie their shoes. Now that they’ve
grown up and become more independent they need you less and
less—which is quite honestly the most devastating yet rewarding
part of parenthood.


Biz understands that parenting like a badass is
easier said than done. It’s hard to be the cool, laissez-faire
parent your teen wants you to be when you’ve gotten so used to
making decisions for them. Your teen craves independence and may
take any parental attempt to correct their behavior as you
babying them. In this episode, Biz discusses how to face
conflicting feelings that moments like these bring about with
understanding rather than avoidance.


That Damn To-Do List!


Badassness is usually marked by not playing by the rules. One
rule Biz thinks parents should avoid is living life by your to-do
list. While these lists can be helpful at times, it’s important
to question whether they’re preventing you from parenting
like a badass. Are they helping you accomplish things or
are they making you focus too much on what you aren’t
accomplishing? Biz firmly believes that parents need to give
themselves a break. She says that as a parent, you’re often
overly fixated on the things you’re doing wrong and fail to
notice all the ways you’re Winning at Parenting.


Rather than feeling bad for not finishing everything on your
to-do list, celebrate what you have
accomplished. Biz reminds parents that though most of the things
you achieve in a day aren’t list-worthy, they’re still worth
praising. You’re such a master at parenting like a
badass that you didn’t even need help remembering them!
Biz reminds parents that small, but important, accomplishments
like finishing three loads of laundry or getting both your kids
to and from practice are what make you a badass.


“It’s Just Cake” Mentality


Biz recognizes that pressures to be like other parents can
prevent you from parenting like a badass. For
example, you may think that because another parent shows up for
an event dressed to the nines or goes all out for their kids
birthday party, they are judging you for not doing the same. Biz
provides the example of a parent...