Ep 36: Sex and Pornography Talks

Dina Alexander, the president of Educate Empower Kids and the
author of numerous parenting books, explains how to talk to
teenagers about porn and sex, including how to start
conversations, what to do if you find porn on your family
computer, and what topics to cover with every teen.


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Full show notes


It might be every parent’s worst nightmare.


You finally get some down time, and you want to resume watching
the highlights to last night’s game, or your favorite sitcom
rerun. You pull up the web browser on the shared, family iPad,
and you see it. Right there in the search history. Unmistakable.


“Naked ladies”
The time has come, and there’s no way around it. You must now
have “The Talk” with your kid. Tell all your friends to wish you
luck.


Talking to teens about sex is one of the most common reasons
parents come to us looking for help. But why is this conversation
so awkward? Sex is supposed to be a positive thing! You should be
free to talk about it with your kid, but the fears are common and
understandable.


“What if I put an idea in their head and they begin experimenting
on their own?”
“What if they ask questions about my sex life I don’t want to
answer?”
“What if talking about it makes them too curious, and gets them
in trouble?”
These are valid and important questions, and you are not alone if
you are asking them. So to help get some quality answers and
learn some best practices when talking to teens about sex, I
spoke with the amazing, Dina Alexander.


Dina is the founder and CEO of Educate and Empower Kids (EEK),
and she has been teaching in various capacities for over 20
years. She created programs like How to Talk to Your Kids About
Pornography and 30 Days of Sex Talks to help parents have
positive, informed conversations about sex and pornography with
their kids.


The Dangers of Silence


Dina founded EEK after reading an article about teenage porn
consumption. The numbers in the article seemed too overwhelming
to be true. But sure enough, when she did her own research to
verify what she saw, she came to the following realization:


“There is going to be no one left for my daughter to date who
won’t have been highly influenced by, or addicted to,
porn.”
The scope of the sex industry is hard to fathom, but the dangers
it produces for teenagers cannot be ignored. Porn does not teach
a positive view of sex. Dina says that parents will have their
own beliefs about defining positive sex. However you define
positive sex, though, it’s unlikely that porn is accurately
representing your beliefs.


Porn teaches a dominant and submissive understanding of sex. As
Dina puts it, porn shows teens extreme and unrealistic displays
of sexual gymnastics. The problem is that teens don’t understand
that what they’re seeing is unrealistic! They are not watching an
intimate relationship when they watch porn!


Talking to teens about sex is even scarier when you consider how
sensitive a developing teenage brain is to visual imagery. During
the teen years, the rapid growth of neural pathways latch on to
visual media like TV shows, movies, and pornographic images.
Heavy porn consumption normalizes the neural pathways that says
“porn is how sex happens.” And the risk of your teen falling into
heavy porn consumption without guidance is sadly high.


Dina says that Pornhub’s statistics on total time spent watching
porn on their site last year added up to about 500
CENTURIES!!!
This is why talking to teens about sex is something Dina is so
fired up to teach to parents. Let’s hear what she has to say:


More Than Just One Talk


First off, Dina says that the idea of “The Talk” just doesn’t
work. It’s unfair to assume that you can have one conversation
with your kids and they will suddenly understand all your values
behind sex. Instead, Dina wants parents to realize that talking
to teens about sex means regularly taking the time to normalize
the topic of sex in your conversations.


Dina’s programs suggest 30 days of talking to teens about sex in
short segments. Depending on your values around sex and the
context between you and your teen, you can go through these chats
in any order. The idea is to normalize conversation about sex
with your teen. If your teen can’t come to you with their
questions about sex, then where else would they go for answers
other than the phone in their pocket?


Sure, they’ll have a class about it at school, and maybe your
church will hold a “purity retreat,” but teens will always have
more questions. Dina believes that the home should be the safest
place for their questions. If parents aren’t talking to teens
about sex, then it’s fair to assume that teens are getting their
questions answered elsewhere.


It’s About A Relationship


Odds are, your teenager is going to be exposed to pornography.
Talking to teens about sex before this exposure gives you a
chance to establish what healthy sex looks like. Having these
talks can be scary, but Dina assures that there are a lot of
preliminary talks you can have to set up the tougher topics.


In most cases, the first conversation you have with your kid is
not going to be about porn. It might not even be about sex!
Depending on what your values as parents are, the first
conversation you have might be, “How do you know who the right
person is?” Or, “What does a healthy relationship look like?”


Dina is quick to point out that talking to teens about sex is not
all about the organs. You’ll get to that, but there are a lot of
rules and boundaries you can discuss beforehand. Teens will learn
all about STDs and unwanted pregnancies in sex-ed at school. At
home, you can frame sex as a positive, healthy subject to talk
about.


Dina says that nothing gets a teenager’s attention more than
their parents being brave and talking about their mistakes. By
showing vulnerability as you talk, you can have a lasting
positive impact on your relationship. Sharing your past mistakes
while talking to teens about sex gets the teens to think about
what mistakes they might be making.


Vulnerability opens the door for your teens to ask you more
questions. These might be tough questions, but you want your teen
to trust you with their tough questions!


Teens and Their Questions


When your teen feels like they can talk more openly about sex
with you, they might ask you a “test” question to see what kind
of response you will give. For example, you might be asked:


“Hey, what if someone sends me a nude
picture?”
Depending on your answer to that question, they might then feel
safe to ask their real question:


“Hey, how do I get someone to delete a nude picture of
me?”
You won’t always know when a question is a “test” question. This
is why Dina encourages parents to always respo...