Ep 38: Giving Advice to Teenagers

Annie Fox, an online adviser to thousands of teens and the author
of 12 books including "Teaching Kids to be Good People", reveals
the best ways to give teens advice when they need some guidance.
Learn how to give teens advice they will actually listen to with
these great tips from a true master.


Sponsored by Equip: Eating disorder treatment
that works—delivered at home. Visit equip.health/talking for more
information, and a free consultation.


Full show notes


Why Your Teen Doesn’t Talk to You


Watching your kid become a teenager can be a very awkward and
strange experience––their hormones have kicked in, they’ve grown
a foot out of nowhere, they’re suddenly so moody. Their social
groups are shifting and they’re spending less time with the
family. And whether they want to talk to you about it or not, you
probably notice their increased interest in boys, girls, or both.
What would make this experience slightly less awkward is if
they’d just talk to you about all the changes they are going
through. But getting them to actually do this can be like pulling
teeth.


Regardless of whether your kid is going through good or bad
times, as a parent you always want your advice for
youngsters to be helpful and effective. But how will you
get the chance to do this? For starters, teenagers don't ask for
advice all that often. On one hand because it’s natural for teens
to want to forge their own path and find solutions of their own.
But on the other hand, you might just be driving them away.
Though this is hard to admit, it’s extremely common with parents
of teenagers. Maybe they don’t want advice from you because when
they ask, you talk way too much. Or your advice isn’t age
appropriate. Or because of the time when they asked “Should I
break up with my girlfriend?” and you said “No” because of the
amazing Christmas gift their girlfriend gave you last year.


Parents need to make the most of these rare occurrences to offer
advice for youngsters. If you’re wondering what
to say when they finally ask for help, and how to get them to ask
more often, you’re listening to the right podcast. On this week’s
episode, I got some advice for youngsters from
Annie Fox. She's the author of 12 books including Teaching Kids
to Be Good People, The Girl's Q&A Book on Friendship, and the
Middle School Confidential series. Annie has
maintained an anonymous advice column for teenagers since the
late 90’s where she’s answered thousands and thousands of online
questions from teens all over the world. Needless to say, Annie’s
a pro on giving advice for youngsters and has
uncovered some amazing tactics that we discuss in this interview.


Being the Cool Mom


We start the podcast by talking about how Annie first began
sharing advice for youngsters online. She tells
the amazing story of how a dream she had brought her the idea to
create one of the first online forums for teens. Annie was always
the cool mom that her kid’s friends would go to with their
problems. They felt comfortable around her––and from this
interview you can see why. Annie is gifted at actively listening
to people and making them feel understood. So when an opportunity
presented itself to create a website where teens could
anonymously ask questions and she could provide advice
for youngsters, Annie had the foresight to see that this
could turn into something big.


The initial website that Annie developed, which was originally
called The Insite, was a series of chat rooms where teens could
talk to counselors who specialized in teen issues. Annie also
served as an advice columnist of sorts; she had an alter ego
named Terra that teens could send anonymous questions to. Though
there was no marketing for the website prior to it’s launch,
Annie was getting numerous questions sent to her everyday from
the start. The website, now called Hey Terra!, still offers
advice for youngsters today with the same
mission as it had in the beginning: to help youth effectively
manage their relationships and emotions so they can feel
confident in who they are.


Listen More, Talk Less


Possibly the most shocking thing about Annie and her approach to
advice for youngsters is this: she doesn't tell
the teens what to do in her responses. This might be confusing to
you as a parent because isn’t telling your teen what to do the
whole point of giving advice? Not exactly. Most of the time,
teens already know what the right thing to do deep down. They
aren't looking for a lecture, just someone to listen to them and
help them work out the best way to do what their heart is telling
them.


When providing advice for youngsters, your
ultimate goal should be to teach your teens how to manage their
own emotions. To do this, Annie encourages parents to put
themselves into the mindstate of their teen. Really focus on
empathizing with them in the specific situation that’s causing
them pain. As an adult, it’s easy to dismiss teen drama and think
that whatever they’re going through this week will be forgotten
the next. While this may be true, the overflow of emotions that
make up a teenagers brain chemistry is what’s actually causing
them to react so dramatically. For as long as you’ll have teenage
kids, teen brains will always work like this. So if you really
want to know the right advice for youngsters,
you first need to acknowledge that what’s important is not the
problem your teen is having but the way the problem makes them
feel.


After listening to how your teen expresses a problem to you,
Annie suggests saying things like “sounds like you’re really
upset” or “that must be very frustrating for you.” This is an
effective first step to providing advice for
youngsters because you are acknowledging their feelings
off the bat. Often when you give your opinion on a teen’s
situation right away, you neglect to see that what your teen
actually wants is validation. In more cases that not, Annie finds
that teens looking for advice already have a solution, they just
want someone to confirm that it’s the right one.


Throughout the interview, Annie always comes back to the idea
that parents should listen more and talk less. As a parent, you
should be guiding your teen towards making the right choice, not
choosing for them. Annie elaborates on how your role in offering
advice for youngsters is to provide
reinforcement for what they already know. To hear more about how
you can offer suggestions to your teen without overstepping, tune
into the episode.


Pay Attention!


Annie reminds parents that though you may struggle to get your
teen’s attention, teens might feel the same way about you
sometimes. Your teen can tell when you’re distracted and aren’t
fully listening to them. Maybe there’s a hectic situation going
on at the office and you’re still in work mode. Maybe you’re
really mad at your spouse but don’t want your kid to know about
it. Annie reminds you to try your hardest to not let these
distractions prevent you from opportunities to connect with your
teens. Focus on eye contact and let them know that feed...