Ep 43: How to Stop Yelling at Kids

Bonnie Harris, the bestselling author of When Your Kids Push Your
Buttons and Confident Parents, Remarkable Kids, reveals why your
kids make you so mad sometimes. In this episode, she breaks down
her incredible system to stop yelling at kids and start
connecting with them instead.


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Full show notes


It’s a normal Saturday night in your house, and you and your
teenager are getting along just fine. All of a sudden, they ask
if they can go to a party, and seem very insistent You don’t know
who’s going to be there, where the party will be, or what people
will be doing. Naturally, you say no. Frustrated by this and
emotional, your teenager retaliates, knowing just what to say to
push your buttons. You get mad and yell, and both of you leave
the conversation feeling worse than when you started.


This cycle is hard to break. It’s not easy to figure out
how to stop yelling at kids. As a parent, you
want to protect your child and make sure they stay on the right
path, and sometimes it feels like there’s no other way to ensure
their well being other than to yell at them! On the other hand,
your teenager wants freedom, and when you won’t yield to their
demands they know just how to frustrate you. Even though they
know that their tactics will only lead to more fighting, they
antagonize you anyway.


Fortunately, our guest today has some answers for you. She’s here
to help you learn how to stop yelling at kids
and implement more positive solutions. Her name is Bonnie Harris,
and she’s the author of When Kids Push your Buttons and What You
Can Do About It. On top of being a mother herself, Bonnie has
given talks all over the world and is constantly running
workshops for parents. These workshops focus on how to become
better at diffusing tension between you and your teen and
how to stop yelling at kids.


It was in one of these workshops that Bonnie began to notice this
destructive cycle of yelling among her clients. She realized that
this was a very common problem among teenagers and parents, and
started to look at her interactions with her own teenager to try
and figure out how to stop yelling at kids.


Teenage Emotions


After examining her teenager’s behavior during arguments, she
noticed that her kid was not only miserable by the end of a
dispute, but often seemed to go in already feeling upset. Bonnie
clarifies that this is because they’re feeling other emotions
that they don’t know how to process, which they then channel into
this argumentative behavior.


It’s like an iceberg, Bonnie explains. When we see an iceberg
above water, we only see about 10%. The other 90% lies under the
water, invisible from the surface. The angry words that you hear
from your child are just what you see. The rest is below, not
expressed.


If you want to know how to stop yelling at kids, you must explore
their unexpressed feelings. These often include loneliness,
jealousy, or sadness, and this button pushing occurs as a result
of these feelings emerging without control. If something about
your behavior triggers them, then they are likely to take these
emotions out on you. For example, they may blow up when they
can’t attend a party because they have been feeling lonely or
isolated at school and they feel that this party is going to help
them fit in. They’re not just trying to piss you off. They’re
trying to solve their own problems, but they don’t know how.


You’re not going to know how to stop yelling at kids if you don’t
find out what’s really going on with your teenager. You’ll simply
make assumptions and judgements that are not productive. Bonnie
explains that when our teenagers piss us off, we assume it’s
because they want to make us mad, want to disrespect us, want to
ruin our days. We assume that they are making us angry for the
sake of making us angry. Then we fall into a cycle of yelling and
retaliation when really, you and your child are on the same team.
If we put these assumptions aside, we can see that our teens are
just trying to blow off steam, but are using an unhealthy outlet.


To figure out how to stop yelling at kids and create a deeper
connection between you and your teen (instead of a greater
divide), ask them about their behavior. When it comes to a party
you know nothing about, ask them why they want to go to this
party so badly. Instead of saying no outright, or allowing the
discussion to escalate, listen closely and pay attention. Making
an effort to actually learn what’s going on with your teenager is
the best method for how to stop yelling at kids.
If you learn the true root of their behavior, you’ll actually be
able to help them feel better instead of hurting them and
perpetuating a destructive yelling habit.


Different Agendas


Part of the problem is not that your teenager is out to aggravate
you, but instead that you and your teenager have different
agendas. When you’re trying to get to work on time and need them
to get in the car, they’re trying to make sure their mascara
looks just right so they can impress a boy at school. While it
may seem like your agenda is much more important, their agenda is
important to them too, and that’s something you may need to learn
if you want to know how to stop yelling at kids.


In order to help you both meet your agendas, Bonnie stresses the
importance of collaborative problem solving. This means applying
empathy, understanding, and effective communication to reach an
agreement with your teen. Instead of punishment, blames, and
threats, which have been heavily researched and found to be
ineffective, take the time to listen and work through the issue
calmly and fairly.


In the ‘party’ situation, work out a time that your teenager
needs to be home. Figure out who they are going to be with, what
they’ll be doing, and for how long. Have a calm, receptive
conversation with your teenager to understand why they’re
behaving as they are and how you can both agree on a solution to
your conflict. If you’re wondering how to stop yelling at
kids, the true remedy is communication.


Identifying Changing your Perceptions


One solution for how to stop yelling at kids may be changing your
perception—which isn’t necessarily a bad thing. You or your teen
may be holding onto preconceived notions that are both causing
you to inadvertently experience confusion and pain that’s just
not necessary.


For example, Bonnie shares the story of a woman who attended one
of her workshops who would constantly get into arguments with her
daughter. After these long arguments, her daughter would always
be very upset, and call herself “stupid.” The mother was really
struggling with this recurring problem, as she believed her
daughter to be anything but stupid. Why would her daughter say
this when her mother had never once asserted that she had lower
intelligence? Bonnie suggested that the mother ask her daughter
about what “stupid” means.


It turns out, her daughter thought “stupid” is what you are when
someone is mad at you. By examining and challenging this
perception, the mother figured out how to stop yelling at kids
and help her daughter understand the true meaning of the word.
The daughter realized that her mother actually considered her to
be very smart, and the two were able to make progress in their
relationship.


You also may have perceptions about how you should be treated by
your children, p...