Ep 44: Non-Punitive Parenting Strategies

Judy Arnall, the author of four parenting books including
Discipline without Distress and Parenting with Patience, explains
how to stop teenage rebellion and attitude problems instantly
using non-punitive parenting strategies. Your teens will surely
respond to these counter-intuitive approaches.


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Full show notes


Parenting with patience can be hard when your teen has a snarky,
dismissive, or otherwise negative attitude. As teens grow, they
don’t want to be babied or feel like they’re being controlled, so
they may act out against you to create a sense of distance or
even dominance.


It’s certainly not out of the ordinary for teens to have hard
days and to be in a bad mood. It becomes a bigger problem when
this behavior turns into a habit of breaking rules and violating
boundaries. Teens who regularly rebel against your authority
could be on the path to a difficult young adulthood where all
they know is conflict and hard feelings.


Parenting with patience is a skill that you will learn through
practice. If you parent with an iron fist, it probably won’t go
well and it may even encourage your teen to rebel even more than
they already were. It’s easy to fall into a parenting trap of
feeling like you want to punish your teen severely in order to
prove a point, but punishments out of spite only start a vicious
cycle of resentment and continued bad behavior.


But on the other hand, if you let bad behavior continue, you
could hurt both your family life and your teen’s personal life.
There needs to be a way to keep peace in your house in a way that
doesn’t make your teen feel like they’re being controlled or that
you’re being overbearing. Parenting with patience and
understanding is probably the best way to both maintain order and
also set an amicable atmosphere in the house. This week, I spoke
with a mother of 5 who managed to do just that.


Judy Arnall, the author of four parenting books including
Discipline without Distress and Parenting with Patience, explains
how to stop teenage rebellion and attitude problems instantly
using non-punitive parenting strategies. Your teens will surely
respond to these counter-intuitive approaches because they aren’t
based on punishment, rather, collaboration in order to fix a
problem.


Judy explains the psychology behind why teens rebel and she shows
you exactly what you can do to stop the process. After 27 years
of being a parent to loving children, her expertise is truly
valuable. Come along with me as I learn about non-punitive
parenting strategies and gain a better understanding of parenting
with a deeper sense of patience.


Using the Right Language to Diffuse Tension


Teenagers often don’t know how to communicate fully. They are
still learning how to use their language to express themselves to
others. Judy says you should model a more grown up language for a
while until your teen gets the hang of it for themselves. When
parenting with patience, it’s your job to be the bigger person
and set an example for your teen, no matter how badly they
behaved.


Think about a time that you had a disagreement that turned into a
bigger fight. Write down examples of things your teen says when
they are mad that really bother you. Next, write down what your
teen should say instead, phrased as an “I-statement.”


To create an “I-statement,” alter the language so that it’s all
said in terms of your teenager and how they feel.


For instance, “You’re always nagging me about my chores” might
become “I’m unhappy because I have a full schedule and I feel
chores are being laid on me.” “You’re so unfair” might be better
phrased as “I’m frustrated because I feel the rules are being
made without my input.”


An “I-statement” like this is a much more respectful way of
expressing your emotions and needs. But your teen is going to
need some guidance from you before they master this. Don’t get
discouraged! Mistakes are just a part of parenting with patience.
Ask your teens to collaborate with you and have them create their
own “I-statements.”


Understanding Why Teens Rebel


The rebellious nature of teens can provide a barrier to parenting
with patience. Where are some areas in which your teenager is
rebelling? Write down as many of the rebellious things your teen
is doing as you can think of. Judy told me that rebellion always
happens around an issue where the parent has drawn a “line in the
sand,” or has made a very firm rule that something will “not be
tolerated.” When teens don’t have anything to rebel against, she
says, they don’t rebel at all.


Now, spend a few minutes thinking about how your own teens rebel.
Write how you could change each item so it expresses what you
believe without limiting your teen’s autonomy. For instance,
“Drugs will not be tolerated” could be changed to something like,
“In my life, I’ve found that drugs do more harm than good, but
you are free to live your own life however you choose.” When it
comes to dealing with teenage rebels, parenting with patience is
about focusing on what you believe, not on what you will or won’t
“allow” your teen to do. By putting the ball in their court, you
give them a sense of autonomy and responsibility rather than a
sense of prohibition.


Practicing Patience in Times of Conflict


Judy told me that parenting with patience requires you to cool
off before talking to your teenager about something that’s making
them mad. If you find yourself getting angry during any
conversation with your teenager, excuse yourself from the talk
and go cool off. Coming into an argument with a confrontational
and emotional attitude won’t solve any problems. Patient
parenting calls for a calm and collected demeanor.


Judy recommends keeping a specific place that is dedicated to
cooling off. Yours could be a meditation cushion, or a yoga mat,
or a certain corner of your room. Sometimes, you might even need
to get out of the house. Going out for a walk could be a helpful
respite from an emotional or volatile conversation. Cooling down
is an important part of parenting with patience because it sets
an example for your teen that emotions are completely valid, yet,
need to be managed in a way that is healthy so that you can
manifest positive actions.


Take a moment and plan what your cool-off routine will be. Where
will you go? What will you do? What will you say? What will you
think about? Studies show that you’ll cool off more efficiently
if you have a dedicated space and pre-set routine. The dedicated
space and routine will condition you to come to a more still and
mindful place that’s more conducive to parenting with patience.


In this episode, Judy was able to share a few insightful
anecdotes from her personal life and taught me some awesome
non-punitive parenting strategies from her book
Discipline without Distress and
Parenting with Patience. You'll learn to:


Reduce the reasons for rebelling

Teach your teen to express their emotions calmly

Manage your own anger at your teen

Express your needs to your teenager more clearly

Respond to swearing and foul language

Use “I-statements” effectively

Comfort your teen during emotional times



When your teens grow into being their own person, they will have
thoughts and...