Ep 45: Troublesome Teenage Boys

Bill Beausay, the author of Teenage Boys!, talks about how to
build a strong connection with a tough teen and how to challenge
teens to step up and handle their own problems. He also reveals
how to teach manners to teens.


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Full show notes


When it comes to parenting today’s teens, our
goal is to raise our kids to be able to survive without us. We
want to imbue our teens with the ability to adapt to whatever
life throws at them. If we can give them the skills to make it as
independent individuals, we can relax knowing that they’re
well-adjusted, functional members of society.


The trick is finding the right techniques for parenting
today’s teens to set them up for a life of adult
decision making. We want to guide them and offer a helping hand,
but we don’t want to shelter them too much. We want to inform
them of the harsh realities of the world, but not expose them too
much or too soon. How can we find the right approach to
parenting today’s teens that allows us to be
nurturing without coddling?


Our guest today is Bill Beausay, author of over 20 books on
topics spanning from parenting troubled teenage boys to
self-empowerment in the workplace. He’s here to talk about the
process of parenting today’s teens, drawing on
his parenting knowledge and his experiences as a clinical
psychotherapist and counselor. Bill’s tactics provide unique and
innovative ideas about parenting today’s teens
can guide you as a parent to help teens navigate their transition
to adulthood.


The Importance of Vulnerability


Bill takes the stance that teenagers are really adults, just
without adult-levels of experience. They have the same needs,
wants, and goals, but they’re not always wise or informed when it
comes to decision making. They procrastinate, act without
thinking, and are overall just messy! That doesn’t mean they’re
not trying or not intelligent, they just haven’t learned yet.


When parenting today’s teens, try stepping into
their shoes--after all, you were a teenager once too! Let them
know that adult life may seem overwhelming, but it’s only a
matter of learning and adapting. Share teenage memories of when
you messed up or felt that there was something you’d never figure
out. This helps your teen relate to you, understand your lesson,
and feel at ease with their own decision making trials.


In fact, Bill says being vulnerable with your kids is one of the
most beneficial things you can do when parenting today’s
teens. Bill emphasizes that a lot of kids today aren’t
used to having kind, truthful adults in their lives. He discusses
that those parenting today’s teens have certain
expectations to be emotionally removed from their children and to
set boundaries. This ends up being problematic for both parties,
however, because it keeps them from communicating effectively and
finding common ground.


Reaching your Teen


Approaching your kids and talking to them with vulnerability can
be hard, especially because teens often reject advice from
adults. Bill suggests bringing up important topics in casual
settings and situations. Instead of sitting them down and
creating a lot of nervousness around the discussion, find an
activity that the two of you can do together and bring up tricky
topics while the two of you bond. If you can, spend some time
with your teenager doing something you both enjoy, you’ll be able
to find ways to talk about serious concepts without either of you
becoming too overwhelmed or intimidated.


Similarly, Bill talks about how, when parenting today’s
teens, we often resort to default modes of
communication. Some default modes might look like saying no,
using the same wording over and over, or repeating modes of
communication or discipline to the point where kids just aren’t
fazed anymore.


When parenting today’s teens, Bill encourages
you to challenge those defaults and find new ways to communicate
with your teen in order to really get your ideas through. Maybe
you can try writing them a letter when the two of you argue, as a
way to express your true feelings. Perhaps you can try texting
them regularly as a new way to reach them. Try something new and
change the way you communicate in order to remind them that
you’re still there for them or to surprise them into really
listening to what you have to say.


“You’ll Be Sorry” Technique


Bill emphasizes the importance of ensuring your children know
that there are consequences for their actions. He shares a
certain technique for parenting today’s teens in
which you remind kids that certain decisions will result in
feeling sorry about the consequences.


Here’s how it works. Say, for example, your son is refusing to
clean the garage, even though he knows it’s his responsibility.
Instead of tearing your hair out trying to get him to do it, just
let him know that if he doesn’t, he’ll probably be sorry later.
Then, later that day, when he asks for a favor or permission to
do something, just tell him no. Remind of earlier, when you
warned him that he’d be sorry.


This might sound mean, but Bill swears by its effectiveness for
parenting today’s teens. It helps kids learn
that when they don’t take care of their responsibilities, they
miss out on the rewards. Life is unrelenting and requires you to
take care of things when they need to be taken care of. Bill
wants to teach teens that neglecting to do what is necessary can
land you in a bad spot.


Unlike other, more punitive approaches of parenting
today’s teens, this approach doesn’t require excessive
punishment. It does not require raising your voice, and it
doesn’t encourage nagging. Instead, it’s a simple and quick way
to make your point and make sure your child understands.


Helping Your Teenager Find Their Purpose


Growing up is hard. Part of that difficulty is considering what
you are going to spend your life doing. Many teenagers think they
know what they want one minute, yet change their mind as soon as
they arrive at a conclusion. Others are entirely lost and unsure,
seeing no path forward. As Mark Twain famously said, “I can teach
anybody how to get what they want out of life. The problem is
that I can't find anybody who can tell me what they want.”


Bill says the important thing is just to start this journey
somewhere. For example, he asked his daughter, who was having
trouble deciding what to do with her future, to just name one
thing––anything––that she wanted out of life. She responded by
saying that she wanted to meet Brad Pitt.


Although this isn’t necessarily a concrete life plan by any
means, it’s an idea, a push in some direction. In order to meet
Brad Pitt, said Bill, his daughter might have to move to
California. She then had to consider if that’s something she’d
like to do. Regardless of her subsequent choices, Bill got his
daughter thinking about her future by asking simple but effective
questions.


Bill also had an interesting experience with his son when it came
time to help him decide what to do with his future. One day, he
and his son were out in the front yard together, doing yard work.
They saw a plane overhead, and his son was captivated by its
presence. Bill asked his son if they wanted to follow it, so they
did, chasing it all the way to the airport. When they got
there,...