Ep 46: Handling Problem Teenagers

David Sortino, author and psychologist, talks about the lessons
he learned working at a school for problem teenagers during his
twenties. He developed a unique approach, using kinesthetic
activities to engage the students. This episode also covers his
book on the neuroscience of learning.


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Full show notes


It’s no secret that teens can be moody and irritable from time to
time, but it can become a larger problem when teens start
deliberately acting out. Teens can act out in ways that endanger
themselves and others. They can end up really causing harm to
their health or safety, such as losing sleep, trying illicit
drugs, not taking school seriously or even drinking and driving.
If their behavior is bad enough, they can end up in serious
trouble with their school or even the law. Their consequences
could be a serious or even permanent mark on their young lives.


Of course, there are perfectly healthy ways to take risks and
explore the world that is outside of one’s comfort zone. But it
is always important to be mindful of the fact that when your teen
is still young, they should be exploring the world in a way that
doesn’t cause harm at the expense of anyone else’s wellbeing.
When parenting out of control teens, the
situation should be approached gracefully yet firmly. If not,
they can act out even further out of spite or frustration.


Parenting out of control teens is no easy feat.
It can be tiresome physically and emotionally when going through
already taxing endeavors such as college applications, learning
how to drive, or moving out. You probably have enough on your
plate as is! You’re not alone though. I spoke to one of the most
knowledgeable and generous experts on troubled teens. This
episode will help you communicate with and help seemingly out of
control teens flourish.


David Sortino, author and psychologist, uses the lessons he
learned working at a school for troubled students to discuss
parenting out of control teens. He developed a
unique approach, using kinesthetic activities to engage students
who didn’t want to be lectured to. Dr. Sortino was able to
connect with teens who would’ve otherwise not been taken
seriously. You could even try them for yourself at home!


In addition to his PhD in developmental psychology and his
doctoral work at Harvard, Dr. Sortino has a lot of real-world
experience working with troubled teenagers. He's worked with
juvenile offenders in prison, gangsters seeking rehabilitation,
and kids who have been expelled from school. His book, The
Promised Cookie, is the true story of a school for troubled
teenagers where Dr. Sortino worked during his twenties. Readers
will find that many of the lessons in this book can be applied to
parenting out of control teens.


David Sortino's passion for working with troubled teenagers
started during his own childhood when his school administered an
achievement test to determine which level of classes each student
would be placed in. David threw the test in revolt and was placed
in a special education class referred to by everyone else at the
school as the "Zoo-Zoo Class".


During that year, he noticed how poorly everyone treated the
"Zoo-Zoo" students and it inspired his interest in troubled
teenagers. He noticed that although they were being treated
poorly, his peers were nothing short of intelligent and hard
working students. Just because they didn’t fit into the mold of a
supposedly “good” student, they were treated as if something were
wrong with them. From there, David made it his life’s work to be
able to not only understand teens that are labeled as “difficult”
or “troubled”, but also help them thrive and reach their
potential in life. David strives to make parenting out of
control teens easier by sharing tips he’s learned from
working with troubled kids.


If you’re parenting out of control teens and
wondering why they’re acting out, look into how they’re being
treated at school. How well (or not) is your teen interacting
with their peers and their teachers? Are they being given the
right opportunities to be challenged? Are their needs being taken
seriously?


How do I interact with difficult-to-reach teens?


In this week’s episode about parenting out of control
teens, David explains how to use what he calls a
“behavior contract” with a teenager. A behavior contract is
simply a document that you write out that states clearly your
behavioral expectations for them. The key, David says, is to
appeal to their current stage of moral reasoning. Most teens are
in the “Reciprocity” stage, says Sortino. However, as no two
teenagers are alike, your teen may very well be in a different
stage. David gives an extended explanation about the various
stages later in this episode.


Additionally, writing out a contract will also challenge your
teen to think about right and wrong, which leads them to a higher
level of moral reasoning. By granting your teen respect and
higher levels of responsibilities, you are actively empowering
them. Furthermore, having a physical piece of paper with
expectations written out will make the situation all the more
real and tactile. Having a physical sheet of paper with an
agreement and their signature will keep them from trying to bend
or change the rules set for them.


Another tip for parenting out of control teens
that David told me is to focus on your expectations for your
teenager. Sure you’d love it for them to attend an Ivy League
institution or to start a multi-million dollar company, but is it
what your teen wants? It's hard not to project ourselves onto our
children! We all have hopes and dreams for our kids. But those
expectations can actually cause teens to rebel and push against
our influence.


How do I manage my own expectations for my teen?


Dr. Sortino also taught me a great strategy for parenting
out of control teens and empathizing with your teenager.
He says the key is to think back to the most vulnerable moments
of your own childhood and imagine how you felt during those
moments. Spend a few moments meditating and reliving some of the
most vulnerable moments from your own teenage years. Really try
to experience the moments in full detail, using all five senses.
To start, write down three memories that make you feel especially
vulnerable.


And now think about your own teen and moments that they’ve been
scared, worried or embarrassed. When parenting out of control
teens, approaching conversations after doing this kind of
visualization will make you feel much more connected to them.
When you see yourself in your teen’s environment, you can come to
a place of better understanding. Maybe then you’ll see why your
teen is acting out. Or maybe your teen will feel more comfortable
opening up after seeing their parents' vulnerability and empathy.


During our interview, David told me about the experience of being
put in remedial classes for a year and witnessing how the kids
were expected to perform poorly and behave problematically.
Studies show that people have a strange way of living up to the
expectations that are placed upon them. When parenting out of
control teens, set an expectation for your teen to behave in an
upstanding manner and don’t automatically assume the worst from
them.


Learning More About Parenting Troubled Teens


We’ve only begun to scratch the surface of parenting out
of control teens. In this week...