Ep 48: Gaslighting and Emotional Manipulation

Stephanie Sarkis, author of Gaslighting, explains how parents
should handle emotionally manipulative teenagers, partners, and
ex-partners. She also shares strategies for preparing your teen
to deal with emotionally manipulative people in their own lives.


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Full show notes


What is Gaslighting?


Has anyone ever dismissed you as crazy when you made a perfectly
valid point? Have you ever been accused of lying about how a
certain event unfolded? Have you ever realized someone was being
overly complimentary towards you only so they could use you for
something? Though these equally unpleasant situations may seem
disparate, they all have one thing in common. They are all forms
of gaslighting.


Gaslighting is a term often used in reference to psychologically
toxic relationships. You may or may not be familiar with this
word as it has only become common speak in the past few years.
Common examples of gaslighters can include anti-feminist men who
when discussing the gender wage gap say “women get paid less
because they don’t work as hard as men.” On the contrary, a woman
can also gaslight a man she’s in a relationship with by saying
“It’s actually your fault that I cheated on you. I wouldn’t stray
if you would just lose 30 pounds.” Gaslighting doesn’t just occur
in romantic relationships, it can also happen in professional and
social contexts. And though gaslighting is more common amongst
adults, teenagers can also become acquainted with gaslighting
whether they are using the tactic itself or are in a romantic
relationship where they’re the one being gaslighted.


Gaslighting is defined as a form of manipulation in which a
person sows seeds of doubt in another individual, making them
question their own memory, perception, or judgment. If this
sounds familiar to you as a parent, you may be struggling to
figure out how to deal with manipulative
teenagers like this. But if you don’t have a
manipulative teenager yourself, the last thing you want as a
parent is for your teen to be involved with a romantic partner
who’s a gaslighter. If either your kid or their partner lies,
ignores, or is manipulative in order to get their way, you may be
left wondering how to deal with a teenager that doesn’t
care about the feelings or requests of others.


In order to figure out how to deal with manipulative
teenagers I interviewed Stephanie Sarkis, author of the
book Gaslighting: Recognize Manipulative and Emotionally Abusive
People--And Break Free. Sarkis first started writing about
gaslighting in an article for Psychology Today. Millions of
people read and shared the piece because they identified with
being in the type of relationship Sarkis wrote about, where
subtle manipulation tactics were used to make you feel bad about
yourself. All the positive feedback she got inspired her to write
Gaslighting. In this episode, Sarkis explains how to deal
with manipulative teenagers, partners, and ex-partners.
She also shares strategies for preparing your teen to deal with
conniving people in their own lives.


Avoiding Toxic Relationships


In this episode we detail how to deal with manipulative
teenagers by dissecting the habits and behaviors of
gaslighters. Gaslighters are often very charismatic creatures
that draw people in with their constant compliments and undying
adoration. Once they have your affection; however, their true
colors start to show as they isolate you from others by telling
you not to trust your friends and family members. Gaslighters
have conviction and foresight, and when it sounds like they're
making perfect sense, you're already in their trap.


If you’re wondering how to deal with manipulative
teenagers or people who portray behaviors like this,
Sarkis suggests cutting these gaslighters out of your life
entirely. Block their phone number and emails, block them on
Facebook, and stop reading their letters. However, Sarkis
recognizes that this isn’t always possible when the gaslighter is
someone whose presence you can’t escape, like your ex-spouse.
This avoidance tactic is especially ineffective if you have kids
with the gaslighter. After all, cutting them out could be more
harmful to your teen than beneficial to you.


When there’s a gaslighter in your life that you have no choice
but to interact with, Sarkis explains that there are different
tactics you can take depending on the severity of their
manipulative behavior. For example, your ex-spouse may be someone
who talks badly about you to your teen, fails to hold up their
end of the bargain financially, or habitually shows up late when
you are supposed to swap kids. If you find that they are
repeatedly bashing you or leaving you with all the
responsibilities that should be shared, you may be tempted to
reveal to your teen how vindictive they really are. Sarkis
insists that you do not take this road—it’s
unfair to put your teen in the middle. Additionally, you want to
avoid saying things to your teen that can be used as ammunition
by the other parent.


Essentially, Sarkis says to keep communication with your ex to a
professional minimum. If you need to vent about your ex, she
suggests talking to a third party, such as a coworker or
therapist. If your ex refuses to be cordial with you, it may be
necessary to meet with a coordinator to create a parenting plan.
Tune into this episode to hear what a parenting plan is and how
it can be a great help when you are stuck co-parenting with a
gaslighter.


What if the gaslighter you're dealing with isn’t your former
significant other but your teen’s current one? Sarkis explains
how to deal with manipulative teenagers when
said teenager is someone your kid is dating. If you outright tell
your teen to dump them, you’ll most likely be met with great
resistance. Think about it—if your teenager is totally smitten,
your attempt to end their relationship may come off as jealousy
and can cause them to latch onto the relationship even harder.
Any attempt to figure out how to deal with a teenager
that doesn't care about your opinion on their boyfriend
or girlfriend needs to come from a non-judgmental place.


Sarkis’ advice on how to deal with a teenager that
doesn’t care is to avoid sounding didactic. When you
come off as knowing better than your kid, they’ll tune you out.
Instead try relating to your teen by sharing your own story of a
time when you suffered emotional abuse. Obviously you don’t have
to go into graphic detail. In order to keep appropriate
boundaries, make it a point to use examples from your social or
professional life rather than your intimate life. For example,
talk about a co-worker who pitted other co-workers against you so
they could gain power over you in the office. Or about a friend
who was only nice to your face when they needed a favor. The key
is to find appropriate and relatable stories on how to
deal with manipulative teenagers and adults alike.


Throwing Stones


Though not all teenagers are gaslighters, most have a
manipulative streak at some point in their adolescence. Sarkis
explains how to deal with manipulative teenagers
by pinpointing common habits associated with ...