Ep 51: Hack Your Parenting

Susan Groner, founder of the Parenting Mentor, shares her wisdom
and parenting “hacks” with us. Discover my favorite tips from
Susan’s latest book Parenting: 101 Ways to Rock Your World, and
Susan’s #1 reason why fights break out between parents and teens.
Plus, what to say instead of “Because I said so.”


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Full show notes


What kind of support do you need as a parent? When you pick up a
parenting book, what are you hoping to find?


Information that’s quick and digestible

Advice that fits into your life’s current rhythms

Maybe a reminder that not everything you’re doing is wrong



That doesn’t sound like too much to ask for, but how often do we
pick up a parenting book only to put it down, thinking…


This author doesn’t know what they’re talking about

That sounds great, but who has time to learn this crap?

This book makes me feel like a terrible parent!



Being a parent is hard work! Parents should have the kind of
support they need, when they need it. That’s why I sought out the
opportunity to talk to the amazing parenting mentor, Susan
Groner.


Susan Groner is the mother of three grown children. Though, when
she was in the throes of motherhood, she felt overwhelmed by the
challenges. She didn’t find parenting books helpful at all. She
thought there had to be some creative parenting hacks to help her
through the tough and joyful times of parenting.


Eventually, she developed her trademark CLEARR method and founded
The Parenting Mentor. The Parenting Mentor is a website where she
provides coaching for parents of children of all ages. Plus, her
techniques are easily applicable and build off of what you’re
already doing! Needless to say, I was thrilled to talk to her
about her new parenting book, Parenting: 101 Ways to Rock Your
World.


Fast and Feel Good


Susan’s Parenting 101 has been dubbed the “parenting book for
parents who don’t have time for parenting books.” This is
completely by design.


When Susan was asked to write her book, she knew immediately that
she didn’t want to write a traditional parenting book. Those were
never helpful for her, so she wasn’t going to just play along.


She wanted a book that was designed for parents to pick up, read
for two minutes, and put down.


She wanted a list of quick creative parenting hacks to uplift
parents and to remind them they're already doing a lot of stuff
right!


Like any job, you’re probably going to do better work when you’re
feeling confident and competent. This is why parents should feel
good about what they’re doing! Raising another human being is a
hard enough job description. The additional stress and anxiety
that parents go through because they don’t feel good enough is
unnecessary. Susan doesn’t want parents to feel angst, especially
when there are creative parenting hacks that can help.


So what are some of these creative parenting hacks?


The CLEARR Method


All of Susan’s creative parenting hacks come down to one acronym:
CLEARR


Communication

Love

Empathy

Awareness

Rules

Respect



How we talk to our teenagers is so important.


If a teen hates a rule in your house, it’s important to
understand why. Even when you do feel strongly about a rule,
Susan says that your response shouldn’t be: “Because I said so!”
That’s just laying down the law. That’s a fight waiting to
happen.


Instead of laying down the law, Susan suggests you respond:
“Let’s talk about that.”


You want to know why your teen thinks a rule stinks, and then
clarify why the rule is still important. A conversation with love
and respect, where your tone of voice is kind, loving, and
empathetic will go much better than a shouting match. You’ll be
amazed by how quickly a simple change in your response can
diffuse your teen’s frustration. Susan’s creative parenting hacks
pretty much all revolve around this.


Timing, Manner, and Intonation (Tip #5 of 101)


We didn’t have time to go through all 101 of Susan’s creative
parenting hacks, but we did get to touch on a handful. For
example, #5 from her book is titled “Timing, Manner, and
Intonation.” These are three factors you can leverage when
talking to your teen about tough topics.


Susan breaks them down really easily. Think about timing. When do
you want to have a tough conversation with your teen? You
probably don’t want to talk about their friends’ smoking habits
while you’re also pressed for a deadline at work. So what are the
creative parenting hacks for having this hard conversation? Susan
offers several suggestions.





Timing:





Create a time to set aside. Schedule a time to go for a walk, or
have a cup of tea together. If you both like gardening, do some
yard work. Anything that relaxes both you and your teen. Once
that is scheduled, you’ll be able to approach the topic with an
easier manner and intonation.





Manner & Intonation:





The language you choose, and the tone in which you say it, is so
important when communicating with teens. Teens do NOT want to
hear judgment at all. So using nonjudgmental language and a kind
tone is a priority. You can be firm on your family’s values
without bashing the behaviors of your teen and their friend
group. As long as your words and tone indicate that you’re not
mad at your teen, but empathetic and loving, it’s likely they
will listen and be responsive.


Even with our best efforts, though, it’s hard to be perfect. What
do you do when your teen does get angry about something?


Unintentional Judgments


Susan thinks that a lot of reasons why fights in the house start
are because of unintentional judgmental comments.


For example, let’s say your teen comes home from school and slams
the door. WHAM! Your kid is obviously pissed about something.
Still, most of our gut responses to the dramatic entrance might
be:


“Why’d you slam the door? Don’t slam the door in this
house!”


You can imagine how your teenager might respond before marching
off to his or her room and slamming their door again.


Susan says that sometimes teens just want to be heard. So you
want to use words that show you see they’re upset, and that you
want to be there for them. You might say:


“Wow, sweetie, you seem really angry. Is something upsetting you
today? What happened?”


You’re not going to fix whatever happened or promise to make it
better, but you can listen and be empathetic. Maybe a teacher
disciplined them. Again, our gut response might be to say:


“Well, what did you do?”


That’s a surefire way to make your teen defensive, though. Those
words make it sound like whatever happened was the teen’s fault.
Even if it was, their teacher already disciplined them. ...