Ep 53: Bad Behavior? Ignore It!

Catherine Pearlman, author of Ignore It, explains how to make bad
behavior stop by pretending you don't notice it. Discover
Catherine's secret strategies for eliminating annoying behaviors
on this episode. Learn what you can ignore and what you can't as
well as how to re-engage after the behavior stops.


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Full show notes


Parenting is a hard job on the best of days. It’s even harder
when your child gets to an age when they know how to push all the
buttons and elicit your worst responses. It seems like the older
they get the more immature their tantrums become. You know you
have to address their misconduct, but confrontation only
aggravates the situation. You don’t want to exhaust yourself
giving reprimands to a brick wall. Fortunately, there are teenage
behavior management strategies that can help deter your teen’s
bad behavior while actually saving you from aggravation.


However, teenagers love to argue for their independence. It can
be worrisome when they consistently neglect their simplest
responsibilities, like cleaning their room or taking out the
trash. When you attempt to address these discrepancies, they
might become defensive about their ability to take care of
themselves despite the evidence in question. You don’t want this
bad behavior to continue, especially as they spend less time at
home and eventually face the world as an adult. So, what teenager
behavior management strategies can you use to correct your their
bad behavior without getting irritated? That’s the topic of this
week’s Talking to Teens episode, “Bad Behavior? Ignore It!”


I was joined by Dr. Catherine Pearlman to discuss teenage
behavior management strategies in her book, Ignore it!
How Selectively Looking the Other Way Can Decrease Behavior
Problems and Increase Parenting Satisfaction. After
years of working intimately with young mothers as a social
worker, Dr. Pearlman founded the Family Coach, a program where
she visits family homes during the most stressful time of day and
guides parents through problem-solving strategies.


When it comes to these visits, her clients are often shocked by
what their told to do about their teen’s reckless and rude
behavior: Ignore it.


“Did I Read That Right?!”


You might be asking yourself, “How can that be beneficial? You
want me to just ignore when my child acts out?” Actually, yes!
You might think that such a request is absurd, but Catherine
knows everything there is to know about unconventional, yet
scientifically backed teenage behavior management strategies! She
can help you enjoy spending more time with your kids using this
technique like she’s done with so many other families.


Her method of mitigating bad teenage behavior functions primarily
by managing two things:
Reward SystemsNatural
Consequences

These two elements are at the core of her teenage behavior
management strategies. Reward systems and natural consequences
are already woven into how you communicate with your child. It’s
just a matter of changing how you use them to create a more
reciprocal environment. Here’s how you can start implementing
these teenage behavior management strategies in your own home:


Behavioral Reward Systems


Behavioral reward systems are when you consistently encourage a
specific type of behavior with a correlated response. If there
were a mantra for Catherine’s teenage behavior management
strategies, it would be, “Behavior that has a reward is going to
be repeated.” So, if teenagers pout or misbehave until you give
in, they know to do it again in the future because it produces
results. According to Dr. Pearlman, what happens immediately
following their behavior will determine if it happens again.


However, rewards come in many different forms; it doesn’t just
mean that your teen gets what they want in the end. If you’re
arguing about a curfew and your teen knows that you’ve already
made up your mind, they might be tempted to use rude behavior to
make you upset. If you’re provoked into arguing back or
expressing unhappiness, this can be perceived as a reward, thus
causing your teen to continue this kind of conduct in the future.


Ignoring bad behavior means that you’re not giving it a reward.
When your teen doesn’t get their way, they might try to get a
rise out of you by raising their voice, resorting to name
calling, or using swear words. If you use effective teenage
behavior management strategies and don’t let these tactics affect
you, your teen will eventually realize that this isn’t an
effective way to communicate. They won’t get what they want, and
they won’t get anything in response.


At first, you might get some pushback to these teenage behavior
management strategies, but that just means it’s working. If
you’ve been negatively responding to your teen’s bad behavior in
the past, they understand that throwing a tantrum will, at the
very least, garner a negative response. They’ll try to increase
the pressure when you start ignoring their tantrums, but without
any results, they’ll realize they need to do something else to
get their way. This is how you can use behavioral reward systems
to mitigate bad behavior.


Natural Consequences


Defined as the logical result of an action, natural consequences
work when your teen has an understanding of cause and effect. Dr.
Pearlman describes this tactic as “the best thing that ever
happened to parents” because you don’t have to do any punishing;
the consequences of your child’s actions speak for themselves.


Ignoring your child’s irritating conduct helps them connect the
dots between “bad behavior” and “this isn’t working.” This
teenage behavior management strategies can also be employed
outside of arguments to curb bad behavior. For example, if your
teen hasn’t cleaned their room and they’re inviting some friends
over, they may ask you to do a quick sweep so things will look
nice when they arrive. They might make outlandish statements
like, “My life will be ruined if anybody sees my room like that!”
If you give in and clean their room, agreeing that they need to
get to it later, they’ll latch on to that reward in the moment.
But if you let them face the consequences of their actions, your
teen is more likely to learn from the negative consequences.


Parents that are worried about the negative impact of natural
consequences unfolding at crucial moments in their child’s life
might be hesitant to use this approach. That’s why it’s important
to apply teenage behavior management strategies like the ignoring
method early on when the stakes are relatively low.


When your teen forgets a minor homework assignment at home or
neglects their chores so they can’t hang out with friends, these
are good examples of “ignore it!” testing ground. If you start
off small, your child will incorporate better behavior early on
and be ready for more important tasks in the future.


To Talk or To Ignore?


One example of how rewards and natural consequences work in the
“ignore it!” method to manage bad behavior is with negotiations.
When you’ve made a firm decision, whether it’s limiting cell
pho...