Ep 55: Build Resilience & Capability in Teens

Author Katherine Lewis speaks with Andy about why kids lack
resilience and capability more than ever. By rescuing kids from
every micro stressor they may encounter, parents are doing more
harm than good - and when it comes to behavior, we want the good
stuff!


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Full show notes


There are teens out there that have NO idea how to do the
laundry, cook a meal, manage their time, pay bills–the list goes
on. And that’s not even mentioning the poor behavior and attitude
they throw at their parents and other adults. It’s frustrating to
say the least! But don’t worry, there are steps you can take to
improve resilience and capability in teens.


Despite the generational differences that you may have with your
teen, it’s still possible to build character in your teenager and
impart resilience and capability. But this problem requires
updated methods. Today, a majority of teens have mood or
behavioral disorders because they’ve grown up in a generation
simultaneous loose structure and overparenting.


In this day and age, there aren’t many opportunities to develop
resilience and capability in teens. This has left teens in a
state of poor mental health and dependency. You might be asking
yourself, “When will my teen grow up? When will they listen?”
Luckily, Katherine Lewis, my guest on this week’s podcast and
author of The Good News About Bad Behavior, wondered the same
thing.


Katherine is an award-winning journalist, author, and speaker on
topics including parenting, children, education, mental health in
teens, relationships to technology, work culture,
entrepreneurship, caregiving, equity, and inclusion. Her work
addressing resilience and capability in teens, family conflicts,
and building character- building has been featured in a number of
publications, including The Atlantic, Bloomberg Businessweek,
Fortune, and The New York Times.


She first got involved with the problem of bad behavior and poor
mental health in children after a run in with some rowdy boys on
a playground. They were throwing a ball around without any regard
to the safety of the little kids nearby. When she asked them to
stop, she says they looked at her … and then carried on exactly
what they were doing. She was shocked. If speaking to a child as
an adult can’t instill resilience and capability in teens, what
can? After more than a year of researching current adolescent
developmental trends for her book, Katherine has some answers.


One thing that stood out to Katherine in her research was that
all the “saving” parents have been told to do is actually working
against our kids. Rather than rescue them from stressful
situations, the science shows that you should let them muster
through conflict and minor trauma, to come out on the other side
with more resilience and capability in teens.


With enough practice dealing with conflicts on their own,
teenagers will gain more responsibility and behave accordingly.
That’s the basis of Katherine’s Apprenticeship Model of
parenting, self-regulation. In her coaching sessions, Katherine
helps parents shift their mindset and parenting practice toward
helping their kids acquire skills and knowledge necessary for
them to become happy, healthy, contributing adults.


Using The Apprenticeship Model, Katherine argues that
self-regulation prevents behavioral issues and mental disorders
in teens and builds resilience and capability in teens.
Self-regulation operates through three core disciplines:
ConnectionCommunicationCompetence

In the podcast, Katherine walks me through how these elements can
build character and strengthen resilience and capability in
teens. Here’s how it works:


Connection


Connection doesn’t mean sitting with your teen on the couch
watching Netflix twice a week and joining for meals regularly.
More than that, connection is one-on-one time outside the purview
of screens that you have with your teen, typically dedicated to
an activity of your child’s choosing. When you connect with your
child, you’re supplying intimacy and comradery that encourages
them to follow through on the challenging things you ask of them.


Essentially, being connected with your teen functions in
self-regulation by showing your teen that they’re part of
something bigger; they’re not just an island. When you show your
teen that they’re part of a family and part of a relationship,
that sense of belonging motivates them to maintain their
responsibilities, boosting resilience and capability in teens to
even go the extra mile and take on new commitments!


If you spend quality time with your child going for walks,
playing board games, or even just talking for moderate stretches
of time, you’re exchanging personalities and investing one
another. When it comes time to make dinner, it’ll make them happy
to give you relief from doing this task after a long day of work.
Choosing to do so is an act of self-regulation. Your shared
happiness then becomes a reward and mitigates bad behavior.


Being connected also means that your teen won’t want to hurt or
disappoint you in any way, steadily implementing resilience and
capability in teens. Even if you disagree, the exchange is more
likely to be cordial and productive. The same innocuous sentiment
extends toward mental health. When you’re not close with your
teen, they could feel like an outsider to the family. If your
teen feels like they can’t reach out to their parents, people
that they’re supposed to confide in, it can lead to anxiety,
depression, self-harm, substance addiction, and suicidal
thoughts.


Instilling resilience and capability in teens starts with having
an interconnected relationship with their parents. Connection
works to prevent these disorders in teens by providing your them
with a support system and personal motivational as part of a
group. In this way, your teen will share in your happiness and
internalize your support when they lack confidence.


Your teen won’t be able to function independently if they don’t
feel self-assured and whole. Ironically, when your teen is
connected to a larger group of people, this instills resilience
and capability in teens, and they can better self-regulate their
actions and responsibilities with more independence. To hear
Katherine’s list of special connection time activities and best
practices, you’ll have to tune in to the podcast!


On the other hand, Katherine’s approach to communication is
decidedly not emotional. When addressing your teen’s bad
behavior, she says that you should only communicate around what’s
needed. This provides resilience and capability in teens by
focusing them on what is essential. While your teen does need to
go through trials of learning as they grow up to understand the
importance of their actions, it’ doesn’t mean you have to get
dragged into preparing a lecture every time you want to
communicate something important to your teen.


If your teen forgets to do the dishes, you don’t want to shame
your child or make them feel bad to become self-regulating.
Parenting through shame actually diminishes resilience and
capability in teens. Rather, you can save yourself some stress by
simply pointing out the consequences of their actions, only
communicating the cause and effect needed to get the job done.
You might say something like, “You know we need dishes to be
clean so we can ...