Ep 56: Make Meaningful Connections

Joanna Guest shares the lessons she (re)learned about
meaningfully connecting with your kids while curating her book,
Folded Wisdom, a collection of the best of Joanna’s dad’s 4775
notes to her and her brother. An inspiring story packed with
parenting take-aways.


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Full show notes


Do you ever feel like the week goes by and you haven’t really
connected with your teen? You might look back to find that every
conversation was about getting somewhere on time, making a plan
for dinner, or providing reminders about something that needs to
get done. Maybe you had the best intentions–you sincerely planned
to bring up a touchy subject or share something deep–but life
just got in the way. You’re not alone.


Connecting with kids can be hard. It’s a common complaint from
parents in today’s busy, over-scheduled, technology-driven world
that they haven’t had the time to build a more meaningful
relationship. So how can you connect with your teen on an
intimate level when life is passing by too quickly? That’s the
subject of this week’s Talking to Teens podcast episode, “Make
Meaningful Connections.”


This week I spoke with Joanna Guest about what parents can do to
break out of the mundane industrious pace of life, start
connecting with kids, and develop positive, memorable, and real
moments with your family. Joanna is the author of Folded Wisdom:
Notes from Dad on Life, Love, and Growing Up, a beautiful and
heartwarming book about how her father made meaningful
connections with her.


When Joanna’s younger brother, Theo, showed no interest in
reading, a teacher suggested their dad write notes to pique the
little guy’s curiosity. Joanna’s dad took the idea and ran with
it, writing both Theo and Joanna a note with an illustration
every single morning to take to school. And he kept it up for 14
years, ultimately writing 4775 letters. If anyone knows about
staying committed to connecting with kids, it’s the Guest family.


While this practice is proof of a father’s deep commitment to his
children, these daily messages also demonstrate the true path to
connecting with kids: a willingness to be vulnerable. Unlike his
daily communication, which often felt routine and rushed, the
notes hit on deep topics, life lessons, and – when he couldn’t
find time to connect – small doses of openness made all the
difference. In the podcast, we talk about how sharing
vulnerability helps you maintain a deep relationship with your
kids by way of three tangible virtues:
Truthful CommunicationPersonal
TouchesIntimate Lessons

The bond that Joanna and her father display in this book is
unique but that doesn't mean it can't help us implement these
impactful parenting elements in our own lives. Here's how it
works:


Let’s Talk About Truthful Communication


Speaking truthfully is when you simply authentically express what
emotions you’re feeling in your heart. When you focus these
thoughts on what’s between you your teen, you're displaying a
personal and intimate reflection of the relationship and how you
feel about them. The good news is, honest communication doesn’t
even have to be particularly profound or complex to be effective.
With his notes, Joanna’s father achieved this simply by writing
“I love you” on a folded piece of paper when the family didn’t
have time to convene on weekday mornings.


Communicating truthfully demonstrates a willingness to show
vulnerability because it is an act of sharing yourself, flaws and
all. When you speak your truth, the point is not to always
provide a polished answer for your teen. You don’t want
connecting with kids to be a fake process. A common parenting
myth is that you always have to have an answer for everything;
you must constantly be prepared for everything that comes your
way, 24/7. But speaking truthfully from your own standpoint with
your teen can help pull back the curtain and let them know you’re
only human.


If your child approaches you with a particularly challenging
problem, responding with “I don’t know” is a valid opportunity
for you to connect with your teen. When you speak truthfully
about your inability to find a solution, instead of providing an
exact answer, you’re displaying that you’re both vulnerable to
whatever this problem is. Connecting with kids also means
relating to them, and when you speak honestly about common
issues, you’re conveying solidarity.


Whether it’s dealing with a breakup, a tricky math problem, or
deciding on college options, speaking honestly will clue your
teen in to your presence. Once this happens, you can solve
whatever problem they’re facing together.


Truth and Priorities


Speaking truthfully also helps parents connecting with kids by
informing teens about who you are, specifically, what you
prioritize in life. For example, if you’re work-life is too
demanding, teens can interpret a busy parent as someone who
doesn’t have an investment in their life. The limited time you do
have to spend with your teen might seem second hand, like solely
exists around necessary family tasks (i.e. eating meals or school
drop-off), and so they might feel the need to build connections
elsewhere.


If you speak honestly and address genuine concerns about how your
parenting is perceived, you’re displaying vulnerability to
criticism, asking your teen for insight, and prioritizing your
interest in who they are. You might say something like, “I we
could spend more time together” or “I would like to get to know
you better.” Small declarations of truth like these make up the
more meaningful selection of notes featured in Joanna’s book.
When you’re truthful with your teen, it might help them
understand what is going on in your life more clearly and they’re
more likely to respond in kind.


Honesty When There’s No Time for Connecting with
Kids


In the book, Joanna’s father was able to write a note every
single day, and it’s sweet because it demonstrates the longevity
of the act. But not everyone has the time or creativity to pull
off this kind of practice when connecting with kids. Truthful
communication helps you connect with your teen because there
isn’t any planning or artificiality in the act; you can develop a
genuine bond with brief interactions that are made meaningful
because there’s no filter.


One of the most effective means of honest communication that we
talk about is when Joanna’s father reached out with a note after
they got into a fight when she was younger. He simply wrote down
the next morning, “I hope you can find a way not to be angry. I
love you.” Even when you don’t have anything to say, you can
simply just communicate how you feel about your child.


As a parent, you want to communicate how you feel, and letting
your child know you love them and just want what’s best can
emphasize that you’re a supporting figure in their life. These
small moments of truth are how Joanna’s father brought in
simplicity to her complicated life as a teenager, providing
uncomplicated access to an emotional positivity. This honesty can
foster trust and demonstrate care, deepening how you’re
connecting with kids.


To hear about how Personal Touches and
Intimate Lessons play into connecting with kids,
don’t tune in to listen t...