Ep 57: Your Teen on Power

Erin Clabough joins us for a discussion on the importance of
giving teens the right amount of power...and making sure they
know how to use it! Instilling a value of empathy is key to
making sure teens wield power fairly. And how do you do that?
Erin says bribing is an option!


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Full show notes


Your Punk Kid


Do you ever have moments where you look at your teen and think
“Wow, sometimes you can be a total jerk.” While you love them,
sometimes they do things that are so vile, you wonder if they are
even your kid! Maybe when teaching teens
responsibility, your kid becomes a complete tyrant with
even the smallest bit of power. All you did was tell your teen
they’re in charge of dropping off their sibling at school and
suddenly, they fly into a rage if their sibling is even a minute
late walking out the door.


As a parent, you want to be teaching teens
responsibility without giving them free
reign to take advantage of you at every turn. When they ask you
permission to do fun things, you genuinely want to say yes more
often than no, but if you give them an inch, they’re certainly
going to take a mile. This is one of the biggest fears that comes
with teaching teens responsibility. Your teen
thinks that because you said they can go on a weekend trip with
their boyfriend, it’s ok for them to come home from his house at
2am on any given weekend. Or because you let your teen borrow
your nice new car once, they’re allowed to start offering rides
to their friends all the time.


When teaching teens responsibility, parents
should focus on helping their kid learn to take charge and be a
leader while also maintaining respect and empathy for others.
Obviously this is a hard task. Simultaneously encouraging teens
to be assertive and patient requires a level of restraint that
most teenagers might not have. For example, you want them to
advocate for themselves when their voice isn’t being heard but
not demand too much and come off as difficult. So how do you go
about teaching teens responsibility in regards
to balancing their power? In today’s episode, I discuss this with
Erin Clabough, PhD. She is a neurologist, professor, and the
author of Second Nature: How Parents Can Use Neuroscience to Help
Kids Develop Empathy, Creativity, and Self-Control. Dr. Clabough
has written articles for Psychology Today, Mind Body Green, and
Today Parenting about how an understanding of neuroscience can
help parents teach their teens how to balance authority with
empathy.


Don’t be Spineless!


Before authoring her first book on teaching teens responsibility,
Dr. Clabough was working in a neurology lab studying the spines
found within neurons inside the brain. While observing how
neurotransmitters in spines connect each individual neuron
together by passing signals between them using synapses, she had
a realization. She could use this process of passing signals
between neurons in spines as a model for parenting. Dr. Clabough
explains how the spines adapt to experiences going on in their
external environment. Positive experiences that bring about happy
emotions enable a spine to create new connections, or synapses,
between neurons in the brain. In a human, this could be
exemplified by a child growing up with parents who are supportive
and accepting. The love from their parents creates a comfortable
environment for the child to grow up in and therefore promotes
healthy brain development. On the other hand, traumatizing or
damaging experiences can stunt brain growth. For example, a child
whose parents went through a rocky divorce may have stunted brain
growth because this event made them feel uncomfortable in the
environment they were growing up in. During the time of the
divorce, the lack of stability resulting from parents who refuse
to have a civil relationship can rob a child of the gratification
they need to develop new synapses in the brain.


Dr. Clabough decided that the concept of her book would be how
parents can use the idea of healthy experiences influencing
healthy brain development as a metaphor for encouraging positive
behavior and teaching teens responsibility. She
explains that the process of synapses forming between neurons
could be used as a metaphor for positive moments that occur in
your teen’s life being a bridge for them to develop new skills.
These moments can be as simple as your teen deciding to spend
time with their grandparents instead of going to a party they’ve
been excited about for two weeks. Or your teen inviting someone
who’s sitting alone to eat lunch with their friends at school.
Dr. Clabough emphasizes that parents need to savor these moments
and continually commend their teens for making these mature
decisions even when they don’t have to. This parental affirmation
encourages teens to continually display generosity, which helps
them grow into more well-rounded people.


Giving Them the
Power


Parents must recognize that teens want control and the only
effective way of teaching teens responsibility
is to give it to them. But that doesn’t mean they should always
be in control. For families with multiple kids, Dr. Clabough
recognizes that the oldest child is often given more power than
the others because they are seen as the mature one and therefore
take on a somewhat parental role towards the other siblings.
However, she says it’s extremely important to monitor power
amongst your kids. If the oldest gets too accustomed to taking
charge, they may develop a large ego or be unwilling to let
another sibling ever make decisions for the group. So when you’re
traveling together as a family, try asking the middle child where
you should all go to lunch. Or when you’re going to the movies,
ask the youngest what film you should see. This lets your kid
know that it’s ok to take the lead as long as you’re also letting
other people have their turn to be in charge.


When teaching teens responsibility by giving
their sibling the ability to choose, there will be times when a
controlling first born will say “no fair, I got to choose the
movie last time!” Or the youngest might say “Just because he’s
the oldest doesn’t mean he gets to boss us around!” If your kids
put up a fight when control is taken away from them, Dr. Clabough
offers suggestions for diffusing the situation in this episode.


Dr. Clabough acknowledges that a desire for power exists not only
in the home, it’s also a large part of teenage culture. Social
hierarchies form in high school because of teens’ desires for
power and influence—which is all rooted in the need for dopamine.
Everyone seeks dopamine highs but teenagers in particular have a
stronger need for it. When teaching teens responsibility, parents
must not discourage their teen’s needs but instead make sure the
dopamine rushes they seek are healthy. For example, it’s okay for
them to want to be on top, like if they are awarded prom queen or
voted most likely to succeed in the school yearbook. But these
momentary feelings of power and influence need to be balanced
with times when they let others take the spotlight. Experiencing
what it's like to be a winner and what it’s like to be on the
sideli...