Ep 60: Deliberate Parenting for Happy Campers

Audrey Monke, author of Happy Campers, shares the wealth of
knowledge she’s gained from mentoring kids and camp counselors
for the past 30 years. It’s incredible just how many tricks from
counseling campers can be applied in the home!


Sponsored by Equip: Eating disorder treatment
that works—delivered at home. Visit equip.health/talking for more
information, and a free consultation.


Full show notes


Unhappy Camper


Everyone loves compliments, right? So you thought until you said
to your teen, “You look so cute in the new sweater I gave you!”
and you’re met with an eye roll. Oh yeah, you forgot that teens
don’t like being called cute, that’s for children. This is one of
many new hurdles that come with your kid getting older. You have
to put up with things like waiting for your teen three blocks
away when picking them up from practice or being absolutely
silent when their friends ride with them in the car. While
they’re treating you like a 2nd class citizen, they also expect
you to fork over cash at any time and let them stay out until the
wee hours with their friends on the weekends. If they really want
to be treated like an adult, shouldn’t they be doing these things
themselves?


When you’re getting fed up with their snippiness and demand to be
treated like an adult without actually having any adult
responsibilities, you snap at them. You say “Why are you always
so grumpy? What happened to the nice little girl you used to be?”
Then, your teen goes into defense mode and insists that they’re
not grumpy, you’re just a controlling nag who never leaves them
alone. They refuse to see your side and storm off in a huff. This
attempt at deliberate parenting by trying to be
upfront about issues you’re having with your teen really
backfired, huh?


Practicing deliberate parenting and being
intentional with your teen may sound simple, but taking action
isn’t always easy. Sometimes you feel like you’re walking on
eggshells to say the right thing. You never pictured parenting to
be this bumpy and confusing. You swore that you wouldn’t turn
into those parents but then your kid becomes a teen and it seems
like nagging is the only way to stop their defiant behavior. How
can you be direct with your teen when you have a problem with
their behavior without getting them all worked up? To find the
answer, this week I spoke with Audrey Monke, author of Happy
Campers: 9 Summer Camp Secrets for Raising Kids Who Become
Thriving Adults. Audrey is also the owner and director of Gold
Arrow Camp in Lakeshore, California and is a writer and speaker
on positive parenting techniques that she’s learned from her vast
experiences with kids. These experiences, along with being a
mother of five, has left Audrey with plenty of deliberate
parenting techniques that we discuss in this episode.


Accentuate the Positive, Eliminate the Negative


Audrey’s road to the unconventional career path of summer camp
ownership started when she was a camp counselor in college. The
experience completely changed her life when she realized the
relationships she formed with the campers were special and
unique. Because the counselors were young enough to be seen as
older sibling-like figures instead of authority figures, the
campers really opened up about their lives and struggles. They
truly trusted the counselors’ advice and Audrey felt much more
like a life coach than a babysitter to the campers. Eventually
Audrey went on to buy the camp (at just 22-years old!) and has
been operating it for over 30 years. From her vast experiences at
the camp, she realized how helpful the lessons she learned from
her time spent with campers could be to parents. The intentional
and personable approach that the camp takes towards counseling
the campers influenced her to write her book on
deliberate parenting.


The most crucial approach that Audrey teaches counselors at her
camp is to give each of their campers one-on-one attention at
least once a day. This could be something as small as taking time
at the campfire to tell a camper “I really appreciate that you
gave Kelsey the last juice box instead of taking it yourself.
You’re so generous!” Audrey says that this technique translates
to deliberate parenting when a parent takes note
of all the kind, mature, responsible, or just fun things their
teen does throughout a day. Of course, complimenting them on the
spot is great but what can be even better is if you make time
later in the day to commend them on their good behavior. Maybe
when you’re saying goodnight to them, you can compliment them on
how they told a funny story at dinner to lighten the mood when
their sister had just lost her big championship basketball game.
Your deliberate parenting technique of noticing
their good behavior makes them feel like you notice their
individual strengths.


Another camp counselor technique that Audrey notes as extremely
applicable to deliberate parenting is taking a
positive approach when it comes to behavior management. This
means when your teen is being grouchy, unkind, or distant, think
about productive ways of confronting this behavior. Saying “Why
are you being snarky with your siblings?” is accusatory and
honestly, debatable. You might see it as snarky behavior while
your teen insists that they are just standing up for themselves
when their sibling is pestering them. You won’t get anywhere by
using negative labels such as snarky because it will put your
teen in a state of denial. Instead, use phrases like “Your
sibling says that you haven’t been playing along with them much
today. Is there a way we can change the situation so that you’ll
have more fun with them?” This way it’s an open-ended, synergetic
conversation where you’re genuinely interested in how your teen
feels and how they would like to be treated in order for them to
be less problematic. Tune into the episode to hear more no-drama
approaches to deliberate parenting that will
encourage positive communication with your teen.


Daily Inspirationals


It’s pretty evident that Audrey is big on positivity when it
comes to deliberate parenting. But that doesn’t
mean that you have to constantly tell your kid how amazing they
are. Instead, Audrey says that implementing small but meaningful
messages of positivity can go a long way in creating a loving,
affirming family culture. She suggests leaving simple yet
uplifting messages in places your teen can’t miss, like the back
of the bathroom door. Writing positive phrases like “Improve
yourself today” or “Your greatest challenges lead to your
greatest successes” on a note card can really help implement
encouragement into your teens daily life when they expect it the
least. And sometimes these messages can really improve a crappy
day or at the very least remind your kids how much you care about
their happiness. Even if they tell you it's cheesy, they’ll
secretly cherish these sweet messages and appreciate your efforts
to practice deliberate parenting.


In this episode, Audrey and I go in depth about
deliberate parenting practices you can implement
with your teen. In addition to Audrey’s go-tos for creating a
positive, mindful family environment, you will discover:


How to turn “labels” into solutions

The subtle language shift that makes al...