Ep 64: A Way Through the Toughest Conversations

Dr. Amy Alamar, author of The Parenting Project and Parenting for
the Genius, takes insight from the educational sphere and applies
it to practical parenting techniques to get through to your teen.
Whether you have a teen that shuts down, or one that over-shares,
Dr. Alamar has suggestions for exactly what to say when the tough
conversations get going!


Sponsored by Equip: Eating disorder treatment
that works—delivered at home. Visit equip.health/talking for more
information, and a free consultation.


Full show notes


Do you notice your teen shutting down and pushing you out? As
teens strive to become individuals, they start to communicate
less and less with parents. This is a common ‘side effect’ of
growing up, but it isn’t all bad. Making decisions independently
is a critical skill all teenagers need to learn. Although, if
parents struggle to keep a close relationship with their teens,
there can be more conflict and difficulty when it comes to
teaching life lessons.


Amy Alamar, author of The Parenting Project: Build Extraordinary
Relationships With Your Kids Through Daily Conversation, believes
the best way to know your child is through conversation. As an
experienced teacher and researcher, Amy uses academic research
and psychological concepts to break down the most effective ways
to communicate with teens. Her methods involve daily techniques
you can use to build extraordinary relationships through
conversation. Even when it comes to the most trying topics!


In this episode of the podcast, we cover everything from managing
our reactions to word-for-word scripts for the toughest
situations. Here are some of the major takeaways.


Recognize Your Reactions


Certain types of conversation make us act and react differently,
we can’t help it. And sometimes our apparent shock or frustration
can cause a teen to back out of the dialogue. As parents, if
we’re discussing something that makes us afraid, like our teen
driving for the first time, our emotions are heightened. We have
a totally different energy than if we were talking to our teens
about intimacy, or being a self-advocate.


Amy advises that we walk our teens through our own emotions so
they aren’t put off by a genuine reaction. Simply explaining,
“I’m not judging you, I’m just surprised,” can make a world of
difference. It might take a minute to calm down, but it’s
important to let your teen know that you want to have a fair
conversation without reactions speaking louder than reason. We
also discuss the value of finding the right tone and setting,
even when we’re upset and can’t keep up a solid ‘poker face.’


Let Your Child Speak


Amy shares how staying quiet and letting your child speak can be
the key to having meaningful conversation. For example, asking
open ended questions like, “how did you feel about that?” can
inspire a teen to be more open. Amy also suggests we point out
situations in TV shows and movies to facilitate dialogue about
touchy topics like drug use or peer pressure. It feels
non-confrontational and lets your teen speak their mind freely,
as it’s about a fictional scenario.


Plus, we outline the difference between whole-family and
one-on-one conversations, as well as how to let our children
bring up their thoughts about the future, so we don’t make
assumptions about their path. Above all else, Amy highlights how
to be on your teen’s team, always.


Navigate Risks and Limits


“We’re not their friends, we’re they’re parents.” This impactful
statement from Amy regards setting expectations and holding our
teens to them. We have to be bold about setting limits, but at
the same time, we must recognize that it’s the purpose of a
teenager to push limits, take risks, and try new things. So, our
job is less about being strict, and more about talking our teens
through their decision making and coming up with appropriate
natural consequences when they make certain choices.


In this episode, Amy coaches parents how to teach their teens
about making decisions, learning from mistakes, identifying
parents’ concerns, and forming plans to address those concerns.


Master Difficult Conversations


There are so many tricky conversations that Amy has methods for
mastering. If your child has a friend that you don’t like, Amy
knows just how to handle it. She mentions that one of the worst
things you can do is say, “You can’t be friends with that
person,” or judge that person, because the minute you judge them,
your child will start to shut down. Instead, she recommends ways
to influence our teen’s decision making.


She has tips for talking about the most dreaded topic of all too:
teenage sex. Some of her talking points include the importance of
intimacy, being present, and having consent for an enjoyable
experience. Rather than encourage or forbid sex, her approach
focuses on how to have the best relationship, and what it takes
to achieve that.


We even go into detail about what to say when someone breaks your
child’s trust, elaborating on empathy and apologies. This episode
is packed with useful suggestions to conquer all sorts of
challenging discussions you’ll have with your teens!


Sponsored by Equip: Eating disorder treatment
that works—delivered at home. Visit equip.health/talking for more
information, and a free consultation.