Ep 65: 'Punishment' is a Trick Tactic

Dr. Laura Markham, author of Peaceful Parent, Happy Kids, and
Peaceful Parent, Happy Sibling, founded Aha! Parenting as a
resource for parents who are struggling to control their
disobedient, disrespectful, and/or depressive kid. Dr. Markham
shares her secrets for how to flip punishment on its head and get
the best possible results--and relationship--with your teen.


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Full show notes


You caught your teen lying to you. He missed curfew, and the
reason was NOT finishing a school project with his friend. One
glance at his friend’s Instagram feed clearly shows the two of
them at a party.


Now you’re angry. Your teen has taken advantage of your trust,
and you want justice. You might want to raise your voice and
scream and yell. You might even want to punish him. But this is
also where you might want to stop for a minute, and consider
something about punishments for teenagers.


More and more research is showing that coming up with punishments
for teenagers doesn’t make them behave better. In fact, it’s more
likely that punishing kids teaches them to become better liars.
(More on that below!)


If punishments for teenagers aren’t helping, though, what can
parents do to enforce their own rules? To get some quality,
scientifically-backed ideas, I spoke with Dr. Laura Markham.


Dr. Markham is all about setting limits and enforcing boundaries
without yelling or using punishments for teenagers. She earned
her Ph.D. in clinical psychology from Columbia University, and is
the founder of the website Aha! Parenting. She is a parenting
expert, a researcher, and the author of the books Peaceful
Parent, Happy Kids, Peaceful Parent, Happy Siblings, and Peaceful
Parent, Happy Kids Workbook. And as a mother, herself, she knows
the value of having a strong, emotional connection with your
kids.


So what is the number one thing we can learn from this parenting
expert?


An Emotionally Stable Relationship


The first thing Dr. Markham wants parents to understand is that
parenting is NOT a set of strategies. Parenting is a
relationship. She wants parents to have a comprehensive plan for
connecting with their teen. For her, the goal is to build a
strong, trusting, and lasting relationship
without reverting to old-fashioned punishments
for teenagers.


According to Dr. Markham, the first step for parents is to learn
how to regulate their own emotions. Your kids, especially
teenagers, know how to push your buttons. Sometimes it can feel
like a personal attack. In these scenarios, though, she says it’s
vitally important to take a breath and ask yourself,


“Why does my kid feel the need to treat me this way right
now?”


Likely, the answer is that your teen doesn’t feel understood. It
might also be possible that your teen doesn’t feel like you’re
listening. Instead of dishing out punishments for teenagers when
they act out, Dr. Markham suggests that parents pause and ask
their teens,


“Hey, what’s going on? What’s making you want to treat me this
way?”.


When you withhold anger from your teen, you make it easier for
your child to connect with you. This feeds into the second step,
which is learning how to reinforce that connection.


Communication


In any relationship, a consistent line of open communication is
extremely healthy. Without healthy, open communication, there is
no relationship. In this way, you want to make it as easy as
possible for your teen to talk to you. Here’s how:


If your teen is struggling with a serious problem, you want your
teen to tell you about it. However, giving punishments for
teenagers who mess up makes them less likely to be open about
their troubles in the future. Teens won’t share bigger school or
friendship problems if they are afraid you will get angry, or
punish them.


If you yell at your teen for missing one school assignment, what
kind of reaction will your teen expect when they want to voice
something more serious? They might be too afraid to share more
complex problems, like a friend who is touching them
inappropriately. We don’t want that.


Coaching Your Child


If you can regulate your own emotions and teach your child that
they can trust you with their problems, you’re on the right
track! In fact, you’re ready for the advanced techniques… Next,
comes Dr. Markham’s third step: coaching your child to be his or
her best self.


Teens need guidance working through new emotions, and it’s a
parent’s job to be an emotionally-stable coach. By demonstrating
calm, attentive, connectedness with your teen, you can meet them
where they’re at, and help them work through their problems. Dr.
Markham says showing off your inner-zen can help your kids feel
deeply understood. They may not even feel the need to act out!


Imagine that! A relationship with your teenager where they don’t
feel like pressing your buttons and making you mad! Wow! And no
punishments for teenagers were involved in the making of this
relationship!


Not Punishing Your Kids


Dr. Markham explains that the parent-child relationship is like
any other relationship. There should be mutual care and respect.
There will of course be arguments, but in a caring relationship
where one person respects the other, there is no reason to
punish.


Not using punishments for teenagers when they cross the line
might sound like a novel concept to some parents. If you’re still
skeptical, Dr. Markham asks you to think about your own teen
years. How did you react when your parents punished you? Did you
think about how you messed up, and how you were going to behave
better in the future? Probably not! You probably reacted by
thinking about how unfair your parents were! You probably thought
they were being mean, and that they didn’t understand what you
were going through.


Dr. Markham points out that punishments for teenagers only
perpetuate their anger and holds their focus on the power
struggle. If a teen is being punished for lying, they aren’t
motivated to stop lying in the future. They are just motivated to
be better at getting away with it to avoid punishment. They
become better liars!


To be clear, kids still need discipline. A better way to approach
bad behavior is to encourage teens to reflect on their
wrongdoing. Dr. Markham wants parents to recognize that
punishments can ruin a teen’s motivation to reflect. So how do
you motivate your kid to reflect on their mistakes?


Teaching Kids the Importance of Your
Relationship


Let’s say you get an email from a teacher explaining that your
teenager has fallen behind on homework. This might be a surprise,
especially if you asked your teen a wee...