Ep 68: What You Don't Know About Teen Hook-up Culture

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Peggy Orenstein, author of Boys & Sex, a current New York
Times Bestseller (as well as several other bestsellers!), joins
Andy for an in-depth conversation about the culture of sex,
intimacy, and relationships that teens are facing and which
conversations are crucial to have with your teens - despite how
awkward it may be!





Sponsored by Equip: Eating disorder treatment
that works—delivered at home. Visit equip.health/talking for more
information, and a free consultation.

Full show notesTeenage hookup culture is
dangerous. And while most parents are aware of how scary and
confusing it is for girls, society at large is neglecting a
significant percentage of the participants: boys.

Despite what social norms generally say about boys, young men
have feelings too. Unfortunately, media and male role models are
rarely depicted as anything but macho, “strong,” assertive, and
sexually dominant. While parents may encourage their girls to
play sports and stand up for themselves, it is still taboo to
encourage teen boys to dance, craft, or be vulnerable. These
cultural norms can have a huge impact on teen behavior across the
gender spectrum, especially when it comes to (teenage hookup
culture) their sexuality. Luckily, there are proven ways to
mitigate harmful behavior.


But norms are pervasive, and sending negative messages according
to the gender binary, overt or subliminal, about how adolescents
are supposed to act hurts everyone. Teen boys are “supposed” to
be aggressive, impersonal, and sexually dominant. Girls face
conflicting messages, locked into submissive, inanimate, prude,
and sexually alluring roles. These messages create harmful
expectations and behaviors, and when put to the test in today’s
teenage hookup culture, your child could face the consequences.
That’s why the focus of our Talking to Teens podcast this week is
“What You Don’t Know About Teenage Hookup Culture.”


This week, New York Times bestselling author, Peggy Orenstein,
joins me for a candid discussion about her collection of books on
teenage hookup culture. Her latest book, Boys & Sex: Young
Men on Hookups, Love, Porn, Consent and Navigating the New
Masculinity (2020), explores how young men understand and
negotiate the new rules of physical and emotional intimacy. It
follows on the heels of Orenstein’s second foray into teen hookup
culture from women’s perspectives, Girls & Sex: Navigating
the Complicated New Landscape (2016).


Peggy conducted research for Boys and Sex through qualitative
interviews about teen experiences with sexuality. She found that
open communication and education about healthy sexual
relationships mitigates the harmful behavior of teenage hookup
culture. This works primarily by:
Subverting Harmful
MessagingPrioritizing Your Teen’s Safety and
HappinessPromoting Mutual Empathy in
Relationships

In the podcast, Peggy clued me in on how communication can be
used to apply these virtues in successful parenting scenarios. We
also discuss the gripping revelations from her other books,
Schoolgirls (1995), Flux (2001), and Cinderella Ate My Daughter
2012. Her research is so important to the wellbeing of young
adults navigating today’s teenage hookup culture that parents
should absolutely hear what she has to say in detail. Here’s just
a hint at her findings:


How Much Do You Know About Teenage Hookup
Culture?


Teenage hookup culture is the social behavior of encouraging
casual sex encounters. This practice isn’t inherently bad, but it
is largely informed by harmful messaging about gender roles. One
negative aspect of this messaging that Peggy’s books address is
the emotional vacancy that boys are encouraged to adopt as part
of their sexuality.


The reason teenage hookup culture tells boys to reject intimacy
is to take ownership of the people they have sex with. In movies
and TV shows, the cool characters are often portrayed as
womanizers or men with a long sexual history, highlighting their
emotional callouses. These messages make it so that sex is about
building social capital rather than empowering a partner and
yourself. However, sex is an intimate act and is
personal by nature. This is why teens turn to alcohol for a
dangerous buffer to their emotions and general cognition.


In our conversation, Peggy notes that teenage hookup culture is
dependent on alcohol to create the sense of “compulsory
carelessness.” When teens are urged to make their sexual
relationships feel meaningless and treat them like commodities,
they often turn to alcohol to numb their authentic selves. This
dynamic can lead to substance abuse, violent relationships, and
emotional trauma for the people involved.


So how can parents mitigate these behaviors?


The Benefits of Open Communication


Communicating openly is an opportunity for you to directly
address the messages of teenage hookup culture that often
conflict with teen’s emotional wellbeing. More than just the
“birds and the bees” discussion or relaying the negative aspects
of sexuality, teens should be encouraged to speak openly about
their interests and inexperience.


When we talk to our kids about sex, particularly girls, it’s
usually in a protective context. We do this because we recognize
how teenage hookup culture cultivates a destructive narrative
around sexuality. One way that parents can undermine this
narrative is by addressing locker room talk.


Locker room talk is a perfect example of how these messages
become ingrained in young adults. It’s also why male parents are
commonly overprotective of their daughters. They know how women’s
bodies and sexuality are discussed and naturally wish to protect
their daughters from encountering such harm. But this toxic
behavior also makes it so that boys cannot express their concerns
about sexuality. As Peggy details in her book, boys that felt
uncomfortable with the aggressive attitude of locker room talk
were pressured into conformity.


As it turns out, boys are as equally confounded as their female
peers when it comes to sex, intimacy, and relationships. Almost
all the information we give teens about sex is risk-based; that
is, we tell our teens all the “bad” things that might happen,
such as diseases, sexual assault, rape, pregnancy, and skip out
on everything else. These messages, combined with the vernacular
of locker room talk, create a very hostile perception of what sex
is like.


Parents can mitigate the harmful behavior of teenage hookup
culture by creating a safe and secure space for teens to talk
about their concerns. When teenagers feel like they have a
trusted confidante to talk about these intimate matters, they’re
m...