Ep 73: “You ALWAYS do that!”

Cynthia Kane, author of How to Communicate Like a Buddhist and
Talk to Yourself Like a Buddhist, sat down with me to discuss the
communication tactics she has learned during her journey as a
Bodhisattva. Her techniques are perfect for getting out of
escalating arguments and questionable conversations!


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Full show notes


Anyone who works in a team knows that proper communication can be
a nightmare for adults, but communicating with teenagers is a
whole different ballgame! How many times have you wanted to talk
to your child about something small, but it somehow blew up into
a huge argument? This can happen when parents and their children
don’t have the best communication practices in order. It’s no
one’s intention to get into an argument, but sometimes the small
stuff can turn into a screaming match. That’s where Buddhist
thinking can offer some sage advice…


Mindfulness and listening techniques encourage us to take a step
back and better understand how communicating with teenagers can
become confrontational. Maybe your child is just having a bad day
and they’ve been stuck in a defensive mood to cope with it.
Perhaps you didn’t realize you used a sharp tone by accident. In
any case, it’s important to understand why communicating with
teenagers can get out of hand so easily.


While teens are still growing up, hormonal and social changes in
their lives can make it harder to navigate problems with a level
head. One wrong word might prompt a heated outburst! This
hair-trigger mindset can complicate even the simplest ways of
communicating with teenagers.


Before you know it, you’re getting pulled into their
emotionally-charged, surface-level vocabulary of insults. If you
ground them, you’re drawing out spans of resentment without
improving communication habits. But it doesn’t have to be this
way. Cynthia Kane, author of How to Communicate Like a Buddhist
and Talk to Yourself Like a Buddhist has some techniques that can
help you master the art of communicating with teenagers.


I spoke with Cynthia about communicating with teenagers this week
to better understand why conversations with your teen can get out
of control. In her own life, Cynthia’s search for the Bodhisattva
–a person dedicated to helping others ease their suffering– led
her on a journey to become one herself. As a certified meditation
and mindfulness instructor, she’s taught tens of thousands of
people to speak with kindness, honesty, and confidence through
her books. If anyone knows about communicating with teenagers,
it’s Cynthia.


Cynthia’s work has appeared in several esteemed publications,
including the Washington Post, Chicago Tribune, Yoga Journal,
Self Magazine, and Woman’s Day Magazine. Through her bestselling
DailyOM courses, workshops, and Intentional Communication
Training Program, she has helped thousands of others transform
how they are communicating with teenagers, so I was especially
excited to hear what she had to say about communicating with
teenagers.


In our interview, we talk about three central aspects to
Cynthia’s approach:
Self-TalkSpeechSilence

By using these Buddhist principles of Right Speech, Cynthia
walked me through how we can speak to ourselves and others in
positive, reaffirming ways. I knew the Buddha was knowledgeable,
but who would have guessed Buddhist teachings had so much to say
about communicating with teenagers?


Let’s Talk About Self-Talk


The first step of Cynthia’s Bodhisattva approach to communicating
with teenagers is to listen to yourself. Though practicing
honesty can be found throughout Cynthia’s entire method of
communication, she says that it’s important to start with your
own truths. Self-awareness really is the beginning of being able
to interact with others in a more compassionate way.


Unfortunately, many teens don’t yet have the experience to
reflect on how everyone is feeling in the moment let alone take
stock of their emotional status. They aren’t always able to
observe your intentions, so they act out or behave
disrespectfully, causing conversations to escalate to a place
that no one wants. In this way, when parents understand self-talk
and can demonstrate their feelings clearly, communication gets a
whole lot smoother.


For example, when parents and teenagers bottle up how they feel
about a certain behavior, they’ll play the game of saying,
“Nothing’s wrong,” when we know that’s not true. Using that
phrase to dance around an issue that is clearly of importance can
only muddy the waters and prevent you from effectively
communicating with teenagers. This is why honesty and
self-reflection are so important. When you listen to yourself,
you can be more honest about how you feel and effectively cut
through harmful defensive verbiage.


We often avoid our own negative feelings because they’re too
uncomfortable to deal with, and this can block productive
meaningful conversation from occurring. By listening to
ourselves, we can start to become aware of the restrictive
language that we implement when communicating with teenagers.


To hear about how Speech and
Silence play into communication with teenagers,
don’t forget to listen to the whole episode!


What is Restrictive Language?


Restrictive language is the kind of verbiage that causes us to
feel stressed, overwhelmed, uncomfortable, and even incapable. As
a parent, listening to yourself is how you can catch when you
have this negative mindset.


Cynthia mentions that this is an aspect of communicating with
teenagers that a lot of parents are unaware of, but can make a
huge impact at home. Once you’ve identified restrictive language
in how you think, you can be more present when communicating with
teenagers and have a genuine of conversation. Negativity is a
total buzzkill when it comes to communication with teenagers.


Don’t Forget––Listening is Part of
Communication!


Listening maintains several effective applications that you can
implement as a parent while trying to communicate with your
teenager. For one, listening to others improves your ability to
notice when you’re not being present, like when you’re shopping
at the grocery or are too self-involved in an argument. These
situations can cause you to tune out details when communicating
with teenagers.


There’s so Much More!


In practice, Kane’s insights help people more truthfully focus on
their individual needs and build avenues of communication. These
are crucial areas for parents to focus on if they want to improve
and understand the relationship they have with their teen.


Empathy and honesty are amazing tools for building trust between
parents and teenagers, but, just like many other methods of
communication, they need to be practiced. It all begins with an
acute awareness of one’s own self-talk, and Kane offers a unique
process to communicate your needs and wants more openly.


In addition to canes special approach to communications listeners
will discover: