Ep 75: "Purpose" but Without the Eye-Rolling

Alexis Rockley, author of Find Your F*ckyeah, sat down with me
this week to talk about how you can help your teen find their
groove, their vibe, their f*ckyeah--the things that gets them
popping out of bed in the morning, ready to take on the world.
It’s sort of like “purpose” but will cause a lot less eyerolls…


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Full show notes


I’m sure you remember going to high school, but do you remember
how it felt? The crushing pressure to define yourself, the need
to fit in with your classmates, and the stress of meeting all the
expectations of adults and teachers. “What do you want to do with
your life?” they ask. But, at sixteen, no one really knows! Our
lives pan out in unexpected ways, full of twists, turns, and
mistakes that help pave our road to success. And that’s exactly
what our teens should expect when ‘planning’ for the future.


It’s healthy for teenagers to recognize that they don’t need to
know everything about themselves by age 18. But nowadays, with
social media emphasizing the importance of personal branding and
colleges putting pressure on teenagers to perform perfectly,
teens can feel boxed in. They feel they need to know exactly who
they are and what they want…ASAP! And they may get the message
that their life must be one clean story with no zigs, zags, or
misdirection. This limiting belief is detrimental in a world that
is full of fast-paced change.


Paradoxically, change is the most consistent part of human
experience. Every day, we learn more about ourselves and make
adjustments accordingly. And experimenting, failing, and
adjusting is how we figure out what makes us happy, what
motivates us to get out of bed each morning with a clarity of
“purpose,” or, for those who are rolling their eyes at “purpose,”
our “f*ck yeah!” That’s what shapes the teenage identity.


Alexis Rockley, author of Find Your F*ckyeah: Stop Censoring Who
You Are and Discover What You Really Want, sat down with me this
week to talk about how you can help your teenager find their
themselves and break out of restricting stereotypes. Rockley, who
humbly describes herself as a “nerd who loves research,” is
leading a movement to help young people find their “purpose” and
“joy” in life…but in a cool way.


Alexis knows everything about what shapes the teenage identity.
She has spent years studying and working with experts in the
field of positive psychology and her book unpacks the science and
psychology in an accessible way to help people find their
“f*ckyeah.”


In this interview, Rockley walks me through her method of
breaking down what shapes the teenage identity. She says that one
of the most important aspects of raising well-adjusted, go-getter
teens is to debunk the falsehood that “adults know everything.”


The Science of “Limiting Beliefs”


Drawing from her own twisting and turning journey Rockley
delivers the science behind teens’ limiting beliefs. A limiting
belief is something your brain decides is a fact based on our
emotional relationship to it. It’s also a big factor in what
shapes the teenage identity. Think of it like your emotions
telling you what’s true or false. It’s like if your child grows
up in a culture of body-shaming, they might have adverse feelings
toward cake.


Limiting beliefs can be formed at a subliminal level, which is
why it’s dangerous to place too much emphasis on setting teens up
for a one-track career at a young age. For example, many parents
ask their teens what they’re going to be, thinking that it will
give their child goals to work towards early on. But there are
limiting underlying psychological affects that children inherit
when parents pose this question.


When you ask your teen, “What are you going to be?” there is an
implication that their future job is what shapes the teenage
identity. Teens feel the need to have a ready answer, one that
they have to stick to no matter what, because they don’t know to
distinguish between their professional and personal self.
Statements like, “I will be a doctor,” then become a restrictive
personality type.


Once teens pick a personality type, their family and peers might
show surprise or even ridicule them if they veer from the
standard behaviors. Athletic students can never dye their hair
and aspiring lawyers can’t branch out into the sciences. Business
students shouldn’t waste their time doing theatre. But Rockley
provides parents with a strategy to help uncover what shapes the
teenage identity without setting up restrictive boundaries.


Avoiding Restrictive Boundaries


According to Rockley, teens can break out of restrictive thinking
by making their limiting beliefs conscious. If parents and kids
are able to step back and observe what shapes the teenage
identity, they can make more informed and passionate decisions
about what makes them say, “f*ck yeah!” Rockley goes over several
tactics in the podcast to help your teen find themselves.


One method that we talk about is adjusting how you ask your child
about what they will do in the future. Helpful questions about
what shapes the teenage identity should address the reality of
change and the different personalities your teen might express
over time.


Questions such as, “Who are you inspired by? Who do you look up
to? What aspects of these influences excite you?” start to
facilitate a conversation around a diverse set of interests and
aspirations. Aspirations that live more closely to your teen’s
multifaceted personality and have that “f*ck yeah” feeling.


Rockley’s method helps teenagers unlearn the idea that a
definitive vocation exists. Since there’s no way to
tell someone what their purpose is, teens should
be open to the idea that their interests can change at any moment
in their life. This better prepares teens for a more fluid
future. A future that supports a chemistry undergraduate student
who realizes their true calling is in the local bakery.


Building The “F*ckyeah” Environment


When you ask, what shapes the teenage identity, the environment
is a sensible answer. Using Rockley’s “f*ckyeah” approach,
parents can help their teens find themselves by creating an
environment where problem-solving is the object of focus, not
performing an identity. There will always be problems to solve
-whether it’s managing customers or figuring out chemistry
equations in a lab- so the question is, “Which problems does your
teen want to solve?” This framing can help teens adjust and
explore what activities they truly want to engage in.


Rockley also speaks to me about how parents can help teens
navigate our “factory school system” and set themselves up for
the modern workplace. In the podcast, she gives great tips on how
to expose your teenager to environments that value creativity and
problem-solving skills, instead of simply following rote
instructions. To get the full details of Rockley’s scientific
approach to discovering what shapes the teenage identity, you’ll
have to tune in and listen.


In addition to what shapes the teenage identity, we cover:


How to get your teen excited about their future

The harmful effects of reprimands and negative reinforcement

The tricky science of ‘limiting beliefs’ in teens and young
adults

The need for personal branding…

And how...