Ep 76: Setting Better Boundaries

Linda Perlman Gordon, co-author of Mom, Can I Move Back In With
You? and four other books sat down with me this week to explores
techniques and strategies for parenting teens who are
transitioning into ‘real’ adulthood. Linda, a private
psychotherapist in the greater D.C. area, counsels parents of
teens and twentysomethings--and is the perfect person to discuss
how to make better boundaries with your maturing teen!


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Full show notes


It's the middle of the night, it's raining, and your teen asks
you for help. Her car is broken down and even though she has the
number for roadside assistance on her phone, she’s asking you for
support. You're conflicted because as much as you want to get
your daughter out of the rain, you know you won't always be
available to solve her problems. If something like this happens
again and you aren't there to pick up the call, she might not
think to call a tow truck without parental guidance.


Parents should be preparing their kids for the teenager to
adulthood transition by helping them become more independent and
self-sufficient. Different parents have different solutions to
foster independence, but they all have the same question: as
teenagers turn into adults, when does “helping” turn into
“coddling?”


The answer to properly preparing your children for a teenager to
adulthood transition becomes blurrier with each passing year. An
increasing number of teenagers go off to college and emerge as
young adults with low-paying jobs, unpaid internships, student
loans, and grad school applications, so highly-involved parenting
tends to extend past the teenage years and into early adulthood.


The markers of “adulthood” are not as clear cut as they used to
be in generations past. Although 18 year old's are considered
adults, your own kids and many others may not be ready for all
the responsibilities that come with a teenager to adulthood
transition. And that’s fine! Making the transition from teenage
years to adulthood will look different for everyone, so don’t be
discouraged if your teen isn’t making the smoothest transition.
Most “twenty-somethings” still need Mom and Dad for financial and
emotional support.


To understand this paradigm shift in parent-young adult
relationships and the teenager to adulthood transition, I had a
wonderful interview with Linda Perlman Gordon, author of five
books and private psychoanalyst. Her book— Mom, Can I Move Back
In With You? A Survival Guide for Parents of Twentysomethings
—explores techniques and strategies for parenting children going
through a teenager to adulthood transition


Many parents find themselves in this situation without resources
or research to help, but they don’t realize how many other
parents are in the same boat. These are the parents Linda works
with in her private practice and in group sessions. Her many
years as a psychoanalyst and a parent of young adults have made
her a comforting and authoritative voice on the subject of
teenager to adulthood transition. If you’re a parent of an older
teen or an early twenty-something, then this week’s episode is
for you!


A Balancing Act: Pushing to Independence and Offering
Help


A successful teenager to adulthood transition hinges on whether
or not your kids can support themselves independently. In some
instances, they may need to move back in with you. Should your
child be paying rent to live at home? Are they on the right
track, or are they falling behind? It’s crucial for you to know
the difference. The good news is that Gordon specializes in
answering these questions!


Gordon and co-author Susan Morris Shaffer’s work shows most
parents feel awkward discussing their twenty-something
“children,” when they really shouldn’t feel awkward at all! In
today’s housing and job market, it's almost impossible for young
adults to be completely independent post-college. Instead of
cutting kids loose when they turn 18, parents should consider
fostering independence in progressive stages. Listen to the
episode to hear Gordon’s definitions for different independence
levels and how to progress them!


Your child may be twenty-four and living at home, but are they
motivated? Are they looking for jobs, taking initiative, and
moving toward a financially-stable state? Are they working
part-time to build their resume or planning to go back to school
to strengthen their personal skill set? If so, you’ve nothing to
worry about! A successful teenager to adulthood transition isn’t
created overnight. Seeing your child take steps towards
independence should be celebrated.


Instead of looking at age as a benchmark for independence, it’s
vital to look for signs of “personal responsibility” such as
actively applying for jobs, actively searching for their own
apartment, or actively applying for schools. This takes pressure
off the teen and the parent because it removes the sense of
external expectations about adulthood. You haven’t failed as a
,nor have your children failed as young adults, if they aren’t
married with a home and lucrative career by 25. Growing into
adulthood is not a race against the clock, or at least it
shouldn’t be.


The teenager to adulthood transition should be a stage of life
when your kids actively strive towards independence on their own.
If your twenty-four-year-old isn’t taking any steps to better
themselves and expects someone to hand them a career, a house, or
an entire lifestyle, then there’s a problem. Handouts foster a
sense of entitlement and laziness. If a young adult isn’t
learning how to make a life for themselves because parents dole
out easy alternatives, that’s when helping turns into coddling.


One of Gordon’s best pieces of advice comes from setting
boundaries, whether emotionally, financially, or otherwise. For
example, you could offer to help your young adult child by paying
for their living expenses, but only if they are applying for grad
school. Or you could allow them to move back in, but only if they
agree to work part-time. These boundaries protect against
freeloading young adults who won’t learn how to fend for
themselves in the near future.


Setting boundaries like these also help foster a sense of
self-determination needed for a teenager to adulthood transition.
It could inspire them to move out of home and and get their own
place, or to go back to school so that they could get a better
job than they have now.


Without clear boundaries between you and your child, it’s easy to
overstep your responsibilities as a parent and for your
almost-adult twenty-something to take advantage of you. This
could look like racking up your credit card debt, using your
house as a venue for their parties, or expecting you to do
everything for them.


Part of growing up is knowing when to be self-reliant and how to
problem solve without having to consult anyone else. And that
means not having to ask Mom and Dad. As a young adult, they
should be using all the time on their hands to their advantage to
build the lives they want for themselves.


By setting clear boundaries, you’ll let your son or daughter know
that there are parts of their life in which you can’t be involved
in anymore. This can be one of the hardest yet most important
moments in parenting a teenager to adulthood transition. Being
firm in what you can and can no longer do for them actually helps
motivate your children to start think...