Ep 78: Winning Arguments

Stanley Fish, best-selling author and octogenarian, clues us into
the intricacies of arguments: how argument is a more natural
state; destructive arguments; how to get out of one; and much
more! Grateful to be able to connect with the author of Winning
Arguments and The First, Dr. Fish!


Sponsored by Equip: Eating disorder treatment
that works—delivered at home. Visit equip.health/talking for more
information, and a free consultation.


Full show notes


“I hate you! You
never trust me to do anything on my
own!”


Your teen yells at you as they storm off to their room.
Slam! Yeah, you probably won’t see her again
until dinner. Exasperated and confused, you try to retrace the
steps that led to this moment. Your teen came home in a good mood
today, buoyed by news of a weekend getaway a friend is putting
together. She walked in from school and mentioned it to you,
hoping to gain immediate approval.


When you asked her for more details about the trip, she grew
defensive. She scoffed when you asked if a parent would be going,
but you pressed for details. She grew defensive, saying that it
didn’t matter if a parent would be there or not. However, the
vacation home your teen plans to go to is over three hours away
and you are apprehensive about something going wrong when the
teens are so far away. Finally, you gave an ultimatum: no parent,
no trip.


That’s when all hell broke loose and you began to wonder how
tense the dinner table might get later tonight. As a concerned
parent, you want to know how to win an argument with a teenager.
What strategies can parents use to win? And how can parents
manage conflict without it turning to anger?


In this episode of the Talking to Teens Podcast, Stanley
Fish shares his research on how to win an argument with
a teenager. Stanley has a long resume, highlighted by stints at
UC Berkeley, Johns Hopkins and Florida International University.
In addition to being a professor of humanities and law, he has
written 19 books about everything from free speech to the science
of arguments.


Stanley’s book, Winning Arguments: What Works and Doesn’t Work in
Politics, the Bedroom, the Courtroom, and the Classroom is
perfect for parents who want to learn how to win an argument with
a teenager. We delve into this book’s methods for parents and
teens to keep arguments from spiraling into negativity. Stanley
accomplishes this feat by teaching us the red flags of arguments
so disagreements can be handled in a civil manner.


Two Red Flags of Arguments


Red Flag #1: The Ideological Impasse


Parents struggling to figure out how to win an argument with a
teenager need to know about the “Ideological
Impasse. ” Here’s an example of what an “Ideological
Impasse” is:


Stanley mentioned the 2010s controversy surrounding the name of
the NFL team in Washington, D.C.. Washington had carried the
nickname of “Redskins” since their inception in 1932, but in the
2010s, protesters organized and called for the franchise to
change their name. There were two sides to this dialogue.


A) Protestors saw themselves as fighting the
long history of racism.


B) Ownership saw themselves as upholding free
speech and tradition.


Neither side was willing to give in to the other’s idea, thus
forming an “Ideological Impasse.” They were fundamentally at odds
and it took a decade of stalemate before either side could
convince the other.


Drawing out conflict is exactly what parents should avoid when
they have a disagreement with their teens. Parents who want to
learn how to win an argument with a teenager should avoid
prolonged conflicts because it decreases the chance of a
productive result of an argument.


Solution: Bridging the Impasse


Once you reach the point of an impasse, Stanly recommends that
parents take a step back.


One way a parent can figure out how to win an argument with a
teenager and take a step back is to simply say,


“I understand where you are coming from. But can we put
this conversation on the shelf for now? I’d like to take some
more time to think about this.”


Making a statement that closes the argument while finding another
time to pick up the conversation is a great way to de-escalate
arguments.


Declaring a ceasefire might not be easy, but it will preserve the
feelings of parents and teenagers involved in the argument. This
will stop the disagreement from spiraling out of control.


This tip is important for parents who want to learn how to win an
argument with a teenager because setting your terms for when an
argument happens is like having a “home field advantage” in the
argument.


Taking a step back will also allow teens and parents a chance to
reproach the issue under controlled circumstances. Here’s a way
parents can do this:


Instead of setting an ultimatum about the trip your daughter
wants to go on, parents can pause the argument. Setting aside
time to discuss this issue in a day or two will give parents time
to prepare a controlled discussion as opposed to having an
argument spiral out of control.


On top of everything, the strategy of setting a later date and
time will help parents who want to learn how to win an argument
with a teenager because it lowers the probability of the
dehumanization of the “other.”


Red Flag #2: Dehumanization of the “Other”


Stanley mentioned the dehumanization of the “other” as a natural
point of advancement stemming from an ideological impasse.
Essentially, when an argument between two parties is ratcheted up
to an impasse, an emotional disconnect emerges between the
opposing sides. Both sides will create an image of the “other”
that is created for the sole purpose of being torn down.


A perfect example of the dehumanization of the “other” can be
found in the politics of the United States after the election of
Donald Trump. On Democratic and Republican sides, images were
created of the other party in order to discredit the values each
promoted. An example of political dehumanization is:


A) Democratic supporters were called out as
communists.


B) Republican supporters were called out as
fascists.


Essentially, both parties forgot that human beings existed behind
the constructed images of the other group. This caused polarizing
attacks instead of humans doing productive work to solve the
problems of the country.


Similarly, if parents and teens resort to dehumanization there is
little chance anything productive comes of the argument.
Ultimately, this will increase the challenges for parents who
want to learn how to win an argument with a teenager.


Solution: The “I” Statement


The solution to dehumanization, and the answer to how to win an
argument with a teenager, is to elicit “I” statements from the
other person. Essentially, when an argument reaches the point of
dehumanization, one side will receive pleasure from making the
opposite side feel bad.


A method to get an “I”...