Ep 79: How “Manhood” is Hurting Our Boys (and Girls!)

Dr. Michael Kimmel, author of the NYT bestselling Guyland, speaks
with Andy to discuss boys, men, and everything in between.
Masculinity doesn’t have to be “toxic” but the way we teach (or
don’t teach) our boys about what it means to be a “man” has dire
consequences for us all.


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Full show notes


“Boys will be boys,” right? Unfortunately, the playing field of
masculinity in society today is more dangerous than you might
believe. From hazing gone wrong, to depression and suicide, to
jail time, the consequences of not understanding masculinity and
what it means to be a man can be dire. It can literally be a
matter of life or death for some.


Not only are young men harming others by learning harmful
behaviors, such as not processing emotions and being overly
aggressive, but they’re also hurting themselves. They’re limiting
themselves by acting in ways that were dictated to them by media,
pop culture, their peers, and older men who perpetuate a
“traditional” sense of masculinity.


Growing into adulthood is hard enough for anyone, but there can
be a particularly toxic mindset when it comes to teenage boys.
Leaving our teenage boys and young men completely unchecked is
not a healthy way to raise them. When boys transition into
manhood in their late teens, they’re forced to figure out what it
means to “be a man” on their own. The late high school, college,
and early adult years are perceived to be a proving ground for
young men, and they’ll go out of their way to show off their
machismo in order to be accepted by their friends.


These rituals, such as hazing and initiations into social groups,
have become dangerous, harmful, and completely unnecessary
elements of masculinity in society today. Binge drinking,
experimenting with illicit substances, and physically dangerous
tasks are usually dictated to them by their peers or by other
young men who are only a year or so older than they are. And no
one is talking about manhood, so the question remains: what does
it mean to be a man?


This is an important question for any parent raising a young man.
For the answers, I turned to Michael Kimmel, the man to reference
when it comes to understanding men. Author of Guyland: The
Perilous World Where Boys Become Men and books on masculinity and
gender, Kimmel is dedicated to dissecting the world boys grow up
in and revealing how and why boys are impacted by the idea of
“manhood.”


Trying to Define Manhood


In this week’s interview, Kimmel notes that at the beginning of
the 20th century, there was a clear cut distinction between when
someone was a child and when someone was an adult, and that
distinction usually came at 14 years old. They went straight to
work as an apprentice, assisting in their family business, or if
they had the means, left home to pursue higher education.


Today, the transition from child to adult is not as quick. The
term “adolescence” was coined to describe the gradual process of
growing into adulthood, starting at about 14 and continuing into
one’s early twenties. Kimmel claims adolescence and early manhood
have blended together. Because of the lack of a clear demarcation
between “young boy” and “young man”, masculinity in society today
has turned this stage of youth into an unstructured, unsupervised
playground to show off their “manliness”.


Kimmel notes that when it comes to parenting boys, parents often
take a hands-off approach. Although there is a sense of freedom
given, young boys experience a sense of being lost and unsure of
the road ahead. This is particularly true in American culture
where young men are “self-governing.” Kimmel notices that it's
usually the younger men, such as the team captain or the
president of the fraternity house, who call the shots within
their peer group. Young American men don’t have the same positive
influence from masculinity in society today compared to other
cultures and countries.


Without learned guidance from older, more experienced men, young
men often learn harmful tropes about masculinity in society today
from porn, movies, and pop culture because those are the most
accessible mediums to gather information from. It’s crucial for
adults—especially parents—to step in and guide young men on this
journey and influence them in an empowering, positive manner so
they don’t hurt themselves or others in the process of growing
into adulthood.


Consequences of Toxic Masculinity


In our conversation, Kimmel deconstructs the concept of
masculinity in society today and lays it bare. Young men are
traditionally taught to be in control. When they feel
emasculated, they feel they have to reestablish their status in
order to regain respect and control of a situation. This is known
as the “alpha male” mentality.


The “alpha” mentality is a slippery slope and can lead into truly
unsavory and dangerous ways of expressing masculinity in society
today. Specifically, toxic masculinity leads to a sense of
entitlement, and entitlement feeds into other toxic ways of
thinking, such as racism, sexism, and nationalism. Tune in to
this week’s episode to hear Michael and I discuss at length how
masculinity in society today has created a sense of entitlement
in young men.


When insecure men feel threatened by women in the workforce, the
men assert their dominance by acting out in ways that are
misogynistic and unfair. Why? Because insecure men feel entitled
to being the sole presence in a company or even in an entire
industry. The mere presence of women threatens their grip of
control


This sense of entitlement bleeds into the issue of race and
nationality when it comes to masculinity in society today. When
insecure men feel threatened by the presence of immigrants, they
act out by saying things like “This is my country” and “Go back
to where you came from.” This stems from a toxic sense of
entitlement to a country and what they believe to be their
rightful land. Insecure men feel like the presence of “outsiders”
threatens and challenges their power and sense of control.


Let’s face it, men have been in control for the longest and have
benefitted the most. It’s important to teach teenage boys and
young men that although there is nothing wrong with embracing
your manliness, masculinity in society today should go hand in
hand with using your strength as young men to help lift others
instead of break people down.


Kimmel argues that the norm for masculinity in society today is
to encourage breaking others down in order to only build
themselves up. Another topic we touched on is about hazing and
how the basis of hazing is humiliation. If young men used as much
of their strength to empower their peers instead of break them
down, the world would probably be a different place.


How do I Teach Positive Masculinity?


When raising children, you want them to be compassionate, fair,
and honest people. And that goes for everyone, no matter their
gender. When it comes to raising young boys who will eventually
become young men, it’s imperative to instill respect and kindness
in them. This week’s episode explores ways to do exactly that.


Embracing masculinity is not a bad thing. There are so many ways
to positively influence and upli...