Ep 87: Combatting the Drama of High School

Rosalind Wiseman, author of the classic Queenbees and Wannabees
(the inspiration for the hit film Mean Girls) and four other
books, shares her knowledge from over two decades of working with
teens and schools. From what dads-with-daughters have to deal
with now to where to draw the line on offensive language between
mom-and-son, Rosalind has a wealth of insights!


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Full show notes


In many ways, high school is something that takes place behind
closed doors. Even though teenagers seem young and naïve to many
parents, they’re having important life experiences. This
encompasses episodes with drugs, alcohol, sex, and other serious
inside and outside of class, and their choices have major
consequences. Because teens are having their first experiences
with more “grown-up” concepts, they won’t be as open to talking
to their parents about dealing with teenage


In addition, teenagers are often dealing with a cutthroat social
jungle packed with drama! All these stressors add up quickly, and
teens might make irrational, dangerous, or harmful decisions.
Part of growing up means dealing with teenage drama, something
that seems to be ever present in any generation of teens. What
happens if they don't learn how to deal with drama? Will this
lead my teen to make potentially dangerous decisions? Is there
any way we can break this cycle?


This world—the world of high school—is a hard one for parents to
keep up with, especially when their teens don’t want to be open
and honest about their experiences. Still, parents absolutely
need to be a positive presence in their teens lives to help
navigate these wild situations. But when teens are reluctant to
share their experiences, how can parents possibly know how to
act? How can parents help kids dealing with teenage drama?


For more about dealing with teenage drama and what parents can do
to help, I talked with Rosalind Wiseman, author of multiple
parenting books including Queen Bees and Wannabees: Helping Your
Daughter Survive Cliques, Gossip, Boyfriends, and the new
Realities of Girl World, the basis for the hit movie Mean Girls.
(You could say Wiseman made “fetch” happen!)


Aside from her filmic success, Wiseman has worked with teens for
decades, and her books are all written with the consultation of
actual teenagers and are screened by teen readers, making them
some of the most spot-on books for teens on the market. She’s
also no stranger to working with parents, schools, teachers, and
counselors to make dealing with teenage drama, and other
challenging moments in teens’ lives, more manageable.


Why Does Teenage Drama Happen?


Conflict is bound to happen, whether you’re a teenage girl, a
teenage boy, straight, gay, or questioning. Because of our ever
changing and diverse world, no two teens will be exactly alike
and not all teens will get along with each other. Perhaps the
most fundamental reason why drama arises amongst friend groups is
that there is a disconnect in how teens expect to be treated by
their friends.


According to Wiseman, one of the most crucial parts of dealing
with teenage drama is to instill an understanding of how they
should be treated and how they should treat others—something
parents need to foster. This episode delves into deeper details
Teens need to know their essential worth as a person and use this
knowledge to guide their friendships, relationships, and
important choices.


Without this, your teen will not know what they’re looking for
when it comes to making friends or even dating. This can be a
very slippery slope. It could mean getting stuck in a cycle of
conflict in a “friend” group that your teen may not truly be
friends with. It could even mean that your teen will be exploited
or taken advantage of because they don’t have boundaries or a
firm value system. When you talk to your kid about dealing with
teenage drama, be clear and concise about what they find
important. Solidifying what they find important in life can make
a powerful, positive impact.


For example, what are they looking for from their friends? Do
they cherish trust? Loyalty? Acceptance? Teens need to know what
their values are, what they look like, and know how to stand up
for themselves when their boundaries are being violated. Teens
are going to make these decisions for themselves when socializing
with peers, but Wiseman explains exactly why instilling this kind
of resolve is one of the best things a parent can do, as well as
how to do it. Listen in to find out more!


How Can Parents Address Teenage Drama?


As a parent, you should be available as a point of reference for
your teen. Know that for the most part, you shouldn’t be the one
stepping in to confront your teen’s friends. Part of the growing
up process is dealing with teenage drama on their own.


The best thing you can do is to provide a home environment that
demonstrates the best example of a loving and respectful unit.
When teens are accustomed to being respected, having their
feelings heard, and having their boundaries honored, teens will
naturally gravitate towards friend groups with those values in
school.


Because dealing with teenage drama is necessary, your teen should
know how to approach the situation as best as they can. Of
course, no teen is perfect, and there are bound to be moments in
which you may catch your teen being unfair, unkind, or even
prejudiced.


Rosalind shared an anecdote about dealing with teenage drama
where she felt like one of her sons violated a boundary at home.
She told me that although she allows coarse language at home, she
does not tolerate any degrading language. After her son made a
joke that was sexist, Rosalind warned him immediately. She made
sure to communicate the fact that that boundary is in place and
that violating it any further would result in a more serious
punishment.


This is an example of a teaching moment at home that will ideally
lead to better interactions with others. When you lovingly (yet
firmly) establish a values system based in respect for others,
you set the tone for how your teen will interact with others
outside your home. In addition, Wiseman covers everything from
breaking down cliques to creating what she calls a family “Bill
of Rights.” She gives this tip and many more with this week’s
episode in dealing with teenage drama.


More Resources for Navigating Teenage Drama


In this week’s expanded episode, I got to experience Rosalind
rattling off insights and strategies for parents like the expert
she is. There’s so much that we covered that we couldn’t have
done it all justice in this summary! In this interview about
dealing with teenage drama, we cover:


Identifying teenage roles in friend groups.

Getting teens to help themselves with self-help books

“Reconnaissance strategies” and the importance of teen
privacy

The reality of nude photos and sexting

Shifting elements of teenage drug culture



Teenage drama of today will look different from the drama of
parents’ generation. But thanks to experts like Rosalind who
updates her work, navigating teenage drama won’t be as much of a
headache as it once was. Her work has had an incredible impact on
the world of parenting, teaching, and even pop culture, and
having her as a guest on this week’s podc...