Ep 90: What's Your Teen Thinking?

Tanith Carey, prolific author and journalist, joins us to talk
about all the knowledge packed into her latest book, What’s My
Teenager Thinking?. Tanith takes us behind “whatever” and “I’m
bored” and even “You can’t make me” to discover what the heck is
going through a teen’s brain when those classic one liners come
out of their mouths!


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Full show notes


Sometimes, talking to your teen feels like arguing with a brick
wall. You want to help them, but they’re not listening, they’re
angry with you, and worse: they just shrugged and said,
“whatever.”


And it’s hard not to feel disrespected in these tough situations.
As the adult, you want to regain control and set them straight,
but if every teen listened when their parents demanded respect,
well: we certainly wouldn’t be here today!


These inevitable conflicts often arise from two equally strong
forces: a teen’s desire to create their own identity, and their
desperation for approval-- yours and their peers’. Whether it be
obsessively fixating on social media, tagging along on a risky
event due to FOMO (fear of missing out) or engaging with mature
content, teens are trying to foster independence and belonging,
even when it leaves us scratching our heads. Sometimes it’s hard
to tell what their motives are, and it’d sure be a whole lot
easier if we knew just what they were thinking.


But because we’ll probably never truly know, and spying doesn’t
exactly foster a healthy parent/teen relationships, parents must
remember that their job is not to be their teen’s life coach:
it’s to empower them to healthily navigate their independence.
And that means controlling our impulses, hosting neutral spaces
for communication, and above all, trusting our teens: something
journalist, author, and this week’s guest, Tanith Carey,
champions in her book What’s My Teenager Thinking:
Practical Child Psychology for Modern Parents. Between
bullying, vaping, lying, boredom, and more, Tanith covers
strategies for managing and responding to these tough situations.


When I asked her about a parent’s role in alleged bullying,
Tanith believes that parents are most helpful when they listen.
In the flurry of emotion and bustle of just getting home, teens
usually don’t want you to rattle off a litany of strategies for
overcoming the conflict: they just want to be heard. And after
they’ve been listened to and are ready for solutions moving
forward, put the power back in their hands: guide them to
consider solutions. While parents have great wisdom and advice
worth sharing, your teen--more than anyone--will know how certain
strategies will play out. So engage them in self-questioning:
this sounds like: “What if I wasn’t afraid of them?” “In what
ways are they stopping me from doing what I want?” “How can I
best mediate this?” By engaging the teen in self-questioning,
Tanith notes, your teen will most likely determine a viable
solution sooner. And they’ll also feel less victimized too.


While alleged bullying is a lot trickier to navigate than a
teen’s boredom, boredom is still a tough situation worth looking
into. Tanith noted that this generation’s desire to be
oversaturated with stimulation often leads them to craving
productivity/engagement 24/7. And when that’s lost--even for a
moment-- teens feel bored. Sometimes this tendency can lead to
problematic behavior such as premature or excessive
drugs/alcohol, but oftentimes it creates unutilized space for you
to connect with your teen. “There’s nothing wrong with being
bored!” Tanith argues, and instead of pushing them to find
something else to engage with, teach them to view these moments
as useful pauses--not failures or shortcomings. Share the space
with them: ask them questions and connect with them here. Not
only will they no longer be bored, but they can feel closer to
you.


These moments of connection can especially help when navigating
the even tougher situations, like finding out that they’ve viewed
mature content. And you want to scold them--who wouldn’t? Still,
Tanith argued that scolding the teen here negates a pivotal
opportunity to guide them.


In Tanith’s research, mature content can significantly affect a
teen. The brain can be scarred, and content could linger in the
teen’s mind for up to 6 months. Instead of coming unhinged and
imposing consequences, try to foster an open dialogue: one where
they feel at ease and not intently criticized. This is because
Tanith believes that that’s the most defining part of a
parent/teen relationship: the degree to which the teen feels
criticized. Yes: you may wish they never stumbled upon/searched
this content. And yes: the level of investment the teen made in
this content may change your response. But regardless, it’s
important to contain your impulses and help them reestablish
trust because the urge to chastise them here will do more harm
than good. At the end of the day, we can’t control what our teens
see (and excessively trying to will not reap many benefits
either).


And then I asked about the infamous “whatever.” You tried to be
reasonable and impose some sort of order and they hit you with
this passive-aggressive exasperation. Tanith agrees that yes--
this is disrespectful, but instead of firing back, get curious!
Maybe not in the moment, though. After taking a step back, Tanith
believes parents can better understand their teen’s “whatever” by
reopening communication channels. This means helping them name
the problem and troubleshooting from there. More than anything,
Tanith urges parents to step away when they feel triggered.
Because the more authoritarian they are, the more passive
aggression they’ll be met with.


Another important topic we covered was the vaping craze. Many
teens today see it as a fun, safe, rebellious activity that
bridges social circles and helps build their independence. Tanith
exposed the irony and humor in this: the same demographic teens
often rebel against (us; adults; authority) are the same ones
marketing vape products to them! And yes: science tells us that
vaping is quite damaging health-wise, and it’d be safer if teens
simply said “no.” Still, Tanith cautioned against holding
unrealistically high expectations for teens. Because the truth
is, if you hold true to them, you’re going to be disappointed.
What’s truly unrealistic is believing they’ll never engage in
such risky behaviors.


One more interesting topic Tanith and I covered was the gap year:
is it a cop out or not? Because Tanith is from the U.K., she
noted that gap years are far more normalized there; teens who
take it grow in maturity and confidence so by the time they do
reach college, they are better adjusted. But in the U.S., though,
many parents think it’s a reason to stall. What’s more normalized
in the U.S. is getting a college education straight after
college. Putting your teen into a box either way is quite
damaging, though. Tanith believes parents should put their biases
down and acknowledge either route, or an alternative all
together.


In addition to handling these tough situations, Tanith and I
cover:


Social media and why you shouldn’t request to follow your
teen

Youth activism and constructively viewing media

Lying: is it the ultimate crime?

Why the stigma around gap years in the U.S. should be tossed
out



Tanith Carey’s insights make facing these difficult times less
stressful. Having a defiant teenager is more or less inev...