Ep 91: Not Under My Roof!

Amy Schalet, author of Not Under My Roof reveals the cultural
underpinnings of teen sexual development. Amy and I discuss how a
focus on achievement may leave teens feeling unsuccessful in
intimate relationships later in life--and also what parents might
try to better prepare their teens for connection.





Sponsored by Equip: Eating disorder treatment
that works—delivered at home. Visit equip.health/talking for more
information, and a free consultation.


Full show notes


Every parent wants their teen to find love one day. But maybe not
while the teen is under their roof! For teens in American, being
sexually active is considered a health risk. While sex at any age
can come with risk of disease, infection, or unwanted pregnancy,
many parents avoid talking about it, preferring to dismiss any
relationships formed in high school as temporary--maybe even a
distraction to our teens success!


But are these well-intentioned efforts doing more harm than good?
Certainly the chances of high school relationships lasting into
adulthood are rather slim, but the consequences of denying that
our teens are experiencing love and experimenting with sex are
severe. The teen pregnancy birth rate in the US is around 19 per
1000 births--compare that to a country like the Netherlands who
have a teen pregnancy rate of around 4.5 per 1000 births. With
similar access to contraception as well as comparable economic
advantages, what is it America is doing wrong when it comes to
teenage relationships?


Amy Schalet, author of Not Under My Roof: Parents, Teens, and the
Culture of Sex, offers our listeners a unique perspective this
week: raised by American parents in the Netherlands, Schalet
shares her personal, historical, and sociological insights from
researching the two countries’ opposing approaches to teenage
sexuality. Interestingly enough, this issue stems back to
medicine, of all places.


In the United States, adolescent sex is viewed as a health risk.
And the implications of that on American culture are incredibly
strong. The fear and discomfort associated with perspective
influences our culture, our upbringing, and our understanding of
normalcy. And American parents use it to inform their household
rules too. This often means no PDA, minimal conversations around
sex, and certainly no sleepovers with adolescent partners. While
such is quite normal in the United States, believe it or not,
Holland approaches the matter differently altogether.


In the Netherlands, family physicians view adolescent sex and
teenage sexuality as part of the developmental process. This
involves open conversations about love, sex, and contraception in
the doctor’s office and the classroom starting at a young age.
And thus, parents follow suit. Instead of viewing teenage
sexuality as uncomfortable and cringy, Dutch parents are
incredibly more open to it. Culturally, adolescent relationships
are acknowledged, upheld, and welcomed in Dutch households. And
surprisingly, they have the lowest rates of teenage pregnancy in
the Western world!


But does that mean American parents should start welcoming
whoever their teen chooses over for a sleepover? Perhaps not. But
it is worth considering how other cultures view teenage
sexuality, and how American parents can take the lessons learned
into their homes.


When I asked Amy Schalet more about the differing attitudes
surrounding this topic between the two countries, she noted that
the main difference has to do with parental control, and parents’
understanding of their adolescents’ ability to self-regulate.


American parents often prescribe limits for their children on
things in general, ranging from candy and television time to the
age they’re allowed to date, or even marry someone. Dutch
parents, however, tend to view their adolescents as capable of
self-regulation. Instead of approaching their teen’s partners as
adversaries, Dutch parents understand teenage relationships in a
more nuanced way. Since love is emphasized and expected in
adolescents, parents are more inclined to include their teens’
partners in the family. And instead of imposing limits on their
teen’s sexual development, they trust their teen to determine
when they’re ready to have a relationship, and when they’re ready
to have sex. Overall, when you expect young people to fall in
love and you understand how important that is in their lives, you
will approach sex differently with them.


Maybe you’re not quite ready to let your teen invite their
partner for a sleepover. And maybe it’ll not ever be in the
cards. Each of our upbringings and cultures shape how we raise
our own, and it’s definitely hard to break our expectations and
depart from established household rules. Still, there’s great
wisdom in other cultures that can enhance our perspectives. Amy
Schalet believes if anything, American parents should at least
look at the stigmas surrounding sex for boys/girls in the United
States, and how Dutch culture works to alleviate them.


In her research, Schalet found that teenage women in the United
States face harsh repercussions for engaging in sex: they are
slut-shamed, ostracized, and seen as lesser. And teenage women,
fearing such repercussions, either abstain entirely, or isolate
themselves and engage in sex anyway. This is a lose-lose
situation for many teen girl/parent relationships. The same can
be said about teenage boys. Reduced to their hormones, teenage
boys are often shamed from expressing honest love for their
partner. Instead of being acknowledged and supported in their
search for love, they are only allowed to be tough, hormonal
teenagers who seemingly cannot control their sexual urges. This
is similarly damaging, Schalet finds. When boys and girls are
only allowed to express their sexuality freely as adults, they
have to unlearn decades worth of stereotypes and ingrained ideas
about love. The Dutch culture, though not perfect, allows both
teenage boys and girls more space and agency to develop their
sexuality. And maybe American parents can integrate a thing or
two to make their teens feel more comfortable with their
journeys.


Instead of forcing their teens to choose between sexual intimacy
and an honest familial relationship, Dutch parents allow their
teen to enjoy both. Interestingly enough, Schalet says, this
allows Dutch parents more control. By welcoming the teen’s
partner into the family, the parents are able to influence both
the teen and their partner to engage in familial rituals.
Household rules too are more observed this way. Meanwhile, in the
United States, teens often have to disconnect from their parents
in order to have a sexual life. Driving it underground in this
way inevitably hurts the teen/parent relationship.Despite
cultural differences, it’s interesting to note: which is
healthier for our teen? How can respect and comfort be maintained
together?


When adolescence is all about becoming your own person, teens
often are faced with either severing ties with their parents, or
not fully becoming their own person altogether. And without
telling parents how to handle their teen’s sexual relationships,
Shalet does beg the question: what kind of new relationship do
teens have to have with their parents to become a new person? And
what kind of negotiation needs to exist so they can still have
authentic relationships with themselves, their partner, and their
parents? Ultimately, whatever conversation and agreeme...