Ep 92: Raising Successful People

Esther Wojcicki, author of How to Raise Successful People, shares
her insights into what we can give teens in the home and the
classroom to set them up for ultimate success later in life. As
the mother of 3 highly successful daughters in Silicon Valley and
founder of the Media Arts Program at Palo Alto High School,
Esther not only talks the talk but walks the walk.


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Full show notes


We all want our teens to be successful. But it’s hard to know if
we’re pushing too hard...or not enough. Maybe you faced this
dilemma when your teen adamantly wanted to quit piano, even
though you knew they’ll regret it down the line. Or maybe they
just got back from college and want to abandon their original
career path. Sometimes it may feel like you’re walking on a
tightrope, trying not to squash their hopes and dreams but also
attempting to protect them from their ignorance. Luckily, Esther
Wojcicki: American journalist, renowned educator, and mother of
three incredibly successful daughters, joins me this week to
share with listeners highly effective lessons that can help you
empower your teen towards success.


Like many teens, Esther Wojcicki, author of How to Raise
Successful People: Simple Lessons for Radical Results, questioned
everything. And while not every teen’s power struggle is
warranted, sometimes it produces the breakthrough needed. In
Esther’s case, it saved her life. When Esther’s mother told her
to lie down in her room while carbon monoxide was leaking into
their home, Esther challenged her mom and insisted they go
outside. This experience and others similar inspired both
Esther’s teaching and parenting philosophy.


In the 1980s-- and still today-- many educators assume an
authoritarian role in the classroom: they are the keeper of
information, and they are the lead disciplinarian should teen
behavior go awry. And many well-intentioned parents handle their
kids this way too. But Esther decided to shake things up.


Instead of viewing her high school students as being that ought
to be managed, and their questions as shots at her authority, she
approached them as partners. She allowed them space and support
to get creative. She collaboratively worked with them to achieve
their projects. And more than anything, she showed interest in
their work and expressed kindness along the way. Not only did she
create a welcoming, empowering environment that inspired hundreds
of kids to join, but she also helped her students achieve success
beyond their wildest dreams. The once 20-student journalism
classroom she led decades ago has grown to be the largest in the
United States. With over 600 students, 5 teachers, and 9
prestigious journalism publication awards, Esther cracked the
code. Without pushing them to the brink or letting them abandon
their untapped potential, Esther found a way to help her students
succeed while fostering meaningful relationships with them. These
seemingly simple pillars-- creativity, collaboration, and
kindness--yield radical results not just in the classroom, but in
families.


When I asked Esther how parents can create a similar environment
to that she spearheaded in school, Esther emphasized the
importance of shared trust and opportunities for independence. In
theory, of course it’s easy to see how both these values can help
our teen grow closer to us and successful in their own right. But
in practice, it feels like there’s less time, more emotions, and
more at stake. Many parents, trying to protect their teens,
double down on control and implement more restrictions. It makes
sense to do this, especially when parents feel safer having more
control. But Esther warns against this urge. Because the more
control a parent implements, the more likely distrust will fester
in their relationship with the teen. This distrust can manifest
into either deception or defiance, which is a lose-lose
situation. Esther believes the way parents and teens can equally
feel safe and affirmed does not require teens to relinquish
control or parents to overcorrect teens’ decisions. It requires
taking off the training wheels and allowing your teen to ride the
bike, scrape their knees, and lean on you for support as needed.


As a grandmother, Esther helped her grandchildren experience the
joy of shared trust and independence by allowing them to go
back-to-school shopping at Target, free from parental control.
While her daughter thought Esther would be closely supervising
the entire time, Esther was actually running other errands while
the soon-to-be third graders were getting what they needed, and
would call her when they were done. While this exact scenario may
not be easily replicated for some families, there are many ways
throughout the day where parents can empower their teen to grow
independently, feel your trust, and find their path to success.


But what if you don’t agree with my teen’s passions? Perhaps
they’re obsessed with gaming, or fixated on social media. Do you
always have to stand by them? How can we redirect if it appears
the interest is displeasing? When I asked Esther how parents can
support their teen in such instances, Esther assured me that
teens’ interests can be fleeting, and they should be allowed to
engage with and explore them nonetheless. Instead of engaging
with your teen in a combative way about it (i.e. no more
gaming!), maybe encourage them to dig deeper. For example,
Esther’s grandson had--what her daughter considered-- a gaming
addiction at age 10. They were quite concerned: and justifiably
so. Rather than controlling him and slowly suffocating his
interests here, Esther encouraged her daughter to lean in
instead. She had her son create a gaming computer for himself,
and now he’s the family’s go-to guy for computer issues! By
finding creative solutions to allow for independence and
self-actualization, parents can help their teen experience
success in their own unique way.


What’s tougher than redirecting your teen to productively enrich
their passion is motivating them to have one in the first place.
Nowadays, Esther and I noted, many college grads return from
their university bubble and find themselves twiddling their
thumbs at home, paralyzed by the real-world, or unmotivated to
join the workforce for whatever reason. While allowing your teen
a break in between major transitions such as college is
important, what’s more important is having your teen do
something. Sitting around and feeling sorry for themselves is not
an option, Esther argues. They don’t have to know exactly what
they want to do for the rest of their lives right now, but they
should at least be doing something that somehow helps the world.
And not every kid can predict what career path will fulfill and
sustain them for decades to come, so they have to try things out!
Allow them to. Don’t freak out if they struggle to find their
way. So long as they’re honestly applying themselves, give them
the space and support they need to succeed.


In addition to these nuanced perspectives and helpful tips,
Esther and I discuss:


Building trust together in families

Showing interest 101

Activating teenage creativity

Staying strong, quitting, and taking a break: which is best
and when?



Find out more about Esther’s remarkable insights about raising
highly successful teens today!


Sponsored by Equip: Eating disorder treatment
that works—deli...