Ep 97: One Trusted Adult

Brooklyn Raney, author of One Trusted Adult, shares with Andy
what she’s seen works with teens as a mentor, high school dean,
camp director, and parent herself. Having support at home is
important for teens, but having just one trusted adult outside
the home can be even more impactful.


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Full show notes


Helping your teenager approach independence is hard. You want to
make sure they know how to make their own choices so they’re
prepared for adulthood--but you want them to always make the
right choices. You want them to have autonomy and take care of
things on their own--as long as they do it the way you want.


Even though it might be tempting to always take control and step
in when your kid is making tough decisions, sometimes you just
need to let your teenager learn on their own. If you constantly
insert yourself in your teenager’s choices, they’re not going to
be able to handle life’s crazy obstacles when they no longer have
you to guide them through every little thing. Sometimes, you just
need to let go and watch your teenager go at the world
themselves.


Brooklyn Raney has a lot to say about the benefits of letting go.
She’s a speaker, teacher, and educator, and the author of One
Trusted Adult: How to Build Strong Connections and Healthy
Boundaries with Young People. She also runs a leadership camp for
girls which helps teach young women about teamwork and
resilience, and is a high school dean. Her work has helped
parents, kids and educators everywhere learn the value of letting
go.


She compares raising a child to raising a baby bird. If young
birds are given too much assistance when they’re young and
fragile, then they never learn to fly. Similarly, if teenagers
are controlled and micromanaged, they’ll never develop the
critical thinking and decision making skills that are necessary
to becoming a functional adult.


As an educator, Brooklyn has seen this principle in action. When
several of her students were using the social media app Yik Yak
to anonymously bully other students, she and her fellow faculty
members had a tough time figuring out the best solution. They
tried issuing a message over the platform, but they were only met
with disdain--and the bullying continued. Finally, a group of
students decided to band together and drown out the negative
comments by posting a massive influx of positive ones. It ended
up working even better than they imagined.


It just goes to show that if we can invest in the abilities of
young people, we can help them grow to become independent and
innovative. Instead of trying to step in and control the
situation, let them work it out and learn from thinking
critically to reach an effective solution.


As a parent, helping a teenager grow more independent means
helping a teenager learn to handle their own emotions. Brooklyn
breaks down how to practice the principle of letting go when
helping a child work through a personal issue. She says one of
the most simple, helpful, and unobtrusive gestures you can
partake in when comforting a troubled teen is simply asking them
whether or not they would like advice. Inquire if they’d prefer
your opinion or if they would just like you to listen.


In doing this, you’re not telling them how to live or act. You’re
allowing them to make a choice and practice autonomy. At the same
time, you’re showing them you’re still there for them emotionally
and can offer advice if needed. Many times, teenagers don’t
really want or need to be given advice. They just want a trusted
adult to listen to their problem and offer some comfort, so that
they can continue working through the problem in their own way on
their own time.


This is a very important idea: a trusted adult during the teen
years is key to ensuring a person’s mental health remains strong
in their lifetime. In the episode, Brooklyn cites research that
has proven this concept again and again. This trusted figure can
be a parent, but it can also be someone outside the home such as
a coach, teacher, aunt, uncle, etc. If the non-parent mentor is
connected to the parents in some way, that’s even better.


Brooklyn gives a great example in the episode. Her story delves
into her son’s incident with his school’s administration
regarding a vape pen. He was sent home for having the pen at
school, and although his father administered an articulate,
powerful talk on why this is unacceptable, Brooklyn’s son didn’t
seem to be receptive to any verbal reinforcement. Later on,
however, his drum teacher delivered to him a very similar speech
about the dangers of vaping, and he was held in rapt attention
and seemed to get the message.


While it may be frustrating that your teenager trusts another
adult that isn’t you, the important thing is making sure there is
someone in their lives whom they listen to and connect with. If
teens have a trusting, healthy relationship with an adult who can
help guide them through life, they’ll enter adulthood with more
grit and more problem solving abilities.


When it comes to this independent decision making, your teenager
may not always know what they want. One day, they adopt a
particular identity, and the next day, they’re a totally
different person. While this may feel disorienting or frustrating
for you, Brooklyn reminds us that it’s important to remember: all
humans are flexible, fluid people. Young people are especially
elastic, as they are still searching for the permanent aspects of
their identity.


One great way to help your teenager through this is to model the
fluidity of identity in your own life. If you show that you’re
open to change, you will help your teenager to see that it’s
natural to continue to evolve and grow as an individual far past
teenagerhood. It’s especially important for your kids to see you
fail, learn from your mistakes and adapt. If they see this
resilience in you, then they are likely to understand how they
can apply it to their own lives.


Teenagers will always struggle with identity; it’s part of being
young. Brooklyn talks for a while on the idea of ensuring that
teens have a varied identity. This means making sure teenagers
don’t put all their eggs in one basket, making certain that they
think of themselves as nuanced and complicated individuals with
more than just one thing to offer the world. She uses the example
of her own teenage self, who identified solely as a good hockey
player. Whenever she lost a game or made a mistake while playing,
she felt although she no longer had anything to offer the world.


If we help teens see themselves as well rounded individuals with
multiple interests, skills, and offerings, we can help them gain
self efficacy and become more independent and successful in the
real world.


When it comes down to it, watching your teenager become
autonomous can be truly terrifying. You’re afraid that if you
don’t step in, they’ll make bad choices that affect them for
years to come. At the same time, you don't want to control them
to the point where they aren’t able to make their own choices
when they reach adulthood.


Don’t fear; Brooklyn is here. She’s got lots of advice to help
you figure out what’s going on inside your teenager’s head and
how you can help them transition into adult life. In the episode,
we cover


The difference between preventative and responsive mentorship

Why we like to put teenagers in boxes