Ep 98: From Insecure to Marvelous

Shanterra McBride, author of Love Your Jiggle and founder of
Marvelous University, joins Andy for a talk on how to help our
teens through their most awkward years and what to do to prepare
them for the big world ahead.


Sponsored by Equip: Eating disorder treatment
that works—delivered at home. Visit equip.health/talking for more
information, and a free consultation.


Full show notes


Being a tween and becoming an adult is an awkward time not just
for tweens, but for their parents! Bodies are changing,
friendships are growing more complicated, and your once confident
child may appear to be folding in on themselves, pulling away
from the world, just at the moment when they need to learn how to
be on their own in it!


Instead of being able to tune in more accurately to their own
voice, our teens are increasingly confronted with a myriad of
messages on who to befriend, how to behave, and what to wear.
With so many companies and personalities vying for our teens
attention, it can feel like there’s no room for the voice of a
parent.


But teens, arguably more now than ever, need a steady parental
presence...


This week’s guest Shanterra McBride gets it. She knows from her
own experiences mentoring and educating youth that parenting is
hard. She also deeply and truly believes that, parents,
you can do this.


Shanterra McBride is the author of Love Your Jiggle: The Girls’
Guide To Being Marvelous and founder of Marvelous University.
Although Shanterra’s book centers on girls, her experience in
education has led her to work with teens of all genders and ages.
She knows that insecurities and awkwardness during the adolescent
years hit us all hard—and that sometimes all it takes for a teen
to feel okay at the end of the day is for a parent to just
listen.


McBride discovered her passion for working with teens as
volunteer in AmeriCorps. Placed in what at the time was
considered the worst school in Washington, D.C., Shanterra found
her calling in helping awkward, insecure, and misled “ducklings”
turn into marvelous swans.


Shanterra realized three main areas thwarting teen success and
came up with unique ways to tackle each.


First, every teen she met had body image issues —even before the
days of Instagram and TikTok. While we often think of “body
image” as a girl-specific issue, for young people going through
puberty no one is exempt from having a complicated relationship
with their body.


At a time of such physical and obvious changes, there is already
plenty for a teen to be self conscious about. Throw in an aunt’s
comment to your daughter about her “new boobs” or an uncle’s
tease directed at your son and his “puny muscles” and your teen
might just want to run from the house screaming of embarrassment.


Whether your teen is an early or late bloomer, as skinny as a
stick or with extra jiggle, Shanterra explains that we need to
get teens focusing on what their body can do, not just what it
looks like. Different bodies can do different things and we can
help our teens appreciate their own physicality by reminding them
of this. Shanterra goes so far as to recommend telling your teen
to spend some time looking at themself in the mirror—seriously!
Before jumping to a judgment on this idea, consider that your
teen should know and make their own decisions about their body
before others tell them what to think and feel about your teen’s
shape, size, or color.


To lessen the already fraught feelings around our teens changing
bodies, Shanterra prefers to use the word “jiggle.” She
acknowledges such a silly sounding the word immediately disarms
teens. And she insists that “jiggle” means a person’s whole
body...not just the parts that can actually “jiggle”. Loving your
jiggle then, is embracing your whole self and everything your
body and mind can do as well as all the potential inside! What an
incredible gift the power of a healthy self image is for teens.


The second big issue teens face that Shanterra identifies
revolves around friendships. She realized teens, particularly
“new” teens look at friendship all wrong.


Teens navigating the new and more intense social hierarchies of
middle school and high school may lose sight of what friendship
is truly about. Instead of choosing friends based on honesty,
mutual respect, and shared interests for example, Shanterra saw
adolescents making friends based on what relationships they
thought would elevate them in the eyes of the group. Using
relationships as a means to an end, like popularity, is not the
lesson we want our teens to learn, particularly if we want them
to become adults with healthy relationships.


Although it’s difficult to watch a child struggle with friendship
drama, parents can help nudge kids in the right direction.
Shanterra suggests parents can step in by helping their teen
pause to contemplate what characteristics would be good to have
in a friend...and which characteristics your teen is putting
forth. And when drama does happen, not jumping in and getting
riled up, but pausing again to encourage contemplation instead of
snap judgements.


Of course, usually what a teen will want most is just an ear to
listen, and maybe someone to talk things through with.


Which brings us to the final issue of unmet needs in teens. The
three needs are independence, connection, and mastery. We’ve
already seen how with friendships teens might be struggling with
connection. But what about independence and mastery?


In our interview, Shanterra touches on how although our teens
might still be “kids” in our eyes, they are ready for increased
independence. Shanterra has seen so many teens worn out from
being told what grades to get, what activities to do, when to get
their chores done, who to be friends with, etc. To make sure your
teen’s need for independence is met, give them age-appropriate
responsibilities and consider collaborating on any household
policies or rules. For example, together deciding on a curfew and
what consequences there would be in the event the curfew is
broken. Your teen needs to feel that they have some control over
their own life.


When it comes to mastery, Shanterra is referring to developing
skills. As parents we should avoid rewarding our teen for simply
“showing up”—after all, we don’t get paid to just “show up” to
work, we have to do the work that is required of us. We should
absolutely celebrate and congratulate our teens when they hit a
goal or milestone, and we should absolutely be emphasizing the
work they put in to get to those markers. You don’t have to win
the championship trophy to have a met need of mastery—but you do
need to perform and work hard in that final game if you plan on
walking away with a sense of accomplishment.


Throughout all this, it can be all to easy to forget that parents
have needs too! Luckily to make things simple, they are the same
as teens: independence, mastery (competence), and connection.
Parents also need to feel that they have control over their life,
are connected to others, and have something they are good or
getting better at...which in some cases might be parenting!


In this episode we cover:


How to help your teen “pause” during friendship troubles

Body image issues male teens might face

The overlap between parent and teen needs

Why it’s impor...