Ep 101: Connect Deeper with Vulnerability

Kari Kampakis, author of Love Her Well, joins Andy for a
heartfelt discussion on parenting mistakes and repairing hurt
relationships with our teens. Cat’s out of the bag: out teens
know we’re not perfect!


Sponsored by Equip: Eating disorder treatment
that works—delivered at home. Visit equip.health/talking for more
information, and a free consultation.


Full show notes


It’s not always easy to be pleasant as a parent, especially when
your teens push your buttons, blow off curfew, or “forget” to
unload the dishwasher, no matter how many times you gently remind
them. As young people still figuring out the world, teenagers can
be unpredictable in their emotions and wants. Having a good
relationship with your teen is important, but having to keep your
teen in line makes for a hard balance.


And when your teenager is acting crazy and just not listening,
how can you make sure they start behaving without bringing your
relationship to the brink of destruction? How can you set rules
and boundaries while also keeping your teens trust? It seems like
sometimes there’s just no easy way to maintain a solid
relationship with your teenager when they are driving you up the
wall.


But our guest today has faith that as parents, we were born for
these challenges. Kari Kampakis, author of Love Her Well: 10 Ways
to Find Love and Connection With Your Teenage Daughter and mother
of four teen/tween daughters(!), is chock full of wisdom about
how to be a more wise and graceful parent. Kari believes that as
parents we can form strong, loving bonds with our kids and still
nudge them towards becoming healthy, respectable adults. Whether
you’re looking to empower your kids when they’ve made a mistake
or just looking for ways to balance setting boundaries with fun,
Kari has you covered.


How We Can “Speak Life” to Our Teens


Teenagers today are dealing with a lot of responsibilities,
obstacles, and cultural expectations, so Kari says bringing
positivity as a parent can be super valuable. When kids are
acting crazy, it might be because they’re frustrated and
overwhelmed--meaning they need you to be an ally, not an enemy.
They may be dealing with more than you think, and may be more
critical of themselves than you’d imagine...which is why it can
be really tough for them to face your criticism as well.


So what positive things can we say to them that will help ease
all this craziness? In her book, Kari presents a list of 35 ways
we can “speak life” to our teens. This could be anything from
asking them, “What can I do for you this week?”, to just
reminding them that they are smart and capable of handling life’s
obstacles. In the episode, Kari dives into the philosophy behind
this idea, and her experience doing this with her own kids.


This positivity doesn’t just apply to kids, it applies to parents
too! How can you expect to be positive with your kids if you
can’t be positive with yourself? You’re likely just as
overwhelmed, with a schedule full of carpooling, cooking, or
career obligations. In our conversation, Kari explains to me how
you can get better at forgiving yourself when we mess up, and
empower yourself when life gets you down. Being a positive parent
includes going a little easier on yourself as well, understanding
that you and your teen are both doing the best you can.


Now, Kari knows from her own experiences with motherhood that
constant positivity isn't always realistic. Sometimes teens just
make you want to scream, shout and pull your hair out! In the
episode, Kari emphasizes the importance of not taking your anger
out on your kids, however, and shares how you can find other ways
to vent all that frustration.


Although an outburst may seem harmless to you, Kari explains how
kids remember what you say. When you want to yell and scream, it
might be better to just breathe and remind yourself that a more
positive approach can help you and your teen get to the root of
whatever it is you’re fighting about instead of just digging a
deeper divide.


Balancing Positive and Negative Reinforcement


It’s hard not to feel that urge to be negative, however, when
your teenager comes home late, refusing to tell you who they were
with or what they were doing. How are you supposed to smile and
stay positive when you’re infuriated and want to angrily remind
them they have a curfew? Kari knows this feeling well, and talks
a lot in the episode about the challenges of setting rules while
also trying to maintain a positive relationship with your teen.
Interestingly, she says that the goal is not necessarily for our
kids like us when they’re sixteen, but to respect us when they're
forty.


By this Kari means that even though it can be hard to find the
right words, it’s important that we step in and give our kids
some rules that they’ll appreciate in thirty years. Although they
may not like us now, they’ll thank us later.


But if we're being tough on kids, where does positivity come into
play? Kari explains in our conversation how, when kids mess up,
you can let them know you’re disappointed while also being there
for them as they grow from their mistakes. If we can remind kids
that we love them unconditionally, even when we don’t approve of
their behavior, we can help them learn from risky behavior
instead of reverting back to it.


For example, say your son fails his calculus exam because he
chose to play his xbox instead of crack open the books. You could
yell at him, sure, but will that really help? Kari says no.
Instead, she suggests letting him know you expect more from him.
It could be valuable to remind him that you think he’s smart and
hardworking––that way, when he goes to text his next exam, he
might see himself that way and study a little harder.


Kari is a big proponent of using positive affirmations to remind
your teen that you hold them to a high standard. By telling kids
that they’re capable, tough, and kind, we can prepare them to
handle the unpredictable journey of life without falling too far
off the path. It’s like the great sculptor, Michelangelo,
envisioning a brilliant work of art in a block of marble before
it’s even carved. Your child might not know how great they are,
but by recognizing their potential, we can ensure that they grow
up to amaze the world.


In the Episode...


Kari and I have a great conversation about how a positive
attitude can be a powerful parenting tool. Along with her tips on
staying positive and balancing discipline with praise, we talk
about:


What inspired write a book for parents

How we can be better at listening and empathizing with teens

When it might be better to let teens forge their own way
forward

How cultural stereotypes about gender may be hurting your
kids

35 ways you and your teen can spend more time together



I’m really thankful to Kari for coming on the podcast today to
share her unique perspective on parenting. If you want to check
out some more of Kari’s work, you can go to her website,
karikampakis.com where you can check out her blog, her other two
books and her podcast! Hope you enjoy this episode and we’ll see
you next week.


Sponsored by Equip: Eating disorder treatment
that works—delivered at home. Visit equip.health/talking for more
information, and a free consultation.