Ep 104: A Good Relationship is Key to Raising a Good Teen

Dr. Richard Lerner, author of The Good Teen and academic at Tufts
University, shares his research on “good” teens and “bad” teens.
The key to raising a good one? Strong, nurturing, and trusting
relationships. Richard shows us how!


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Full show notes


Creating a strong relationship with your teen doesn’t always come
easy. It can be hard to interest them in shooting hoops or
watching old movies with you...they’re likely more excited about
skating or hanging out with their friends at the mall. Even just
starting up conversations can be difficult, as teens can
sometimes be wary that you’re just trying to nag them or tell
them what to do.


If we don’t form strong bonds with our teenagers, however, we
might be keeping them from reaching their full potential. More
and more research on adolescent mental health and self esteem
indicates that having meaningful relationships with trusted
adults can be vital to their well being. So how can we create
powerful connections with our teens to ensure they move into
adulthood with confidence and self efficacy?


Our guest today is here to talk all about how parents can forge
positive relationships with teenagers that give them power to
thrive. His name is Richard Lerner, and he’s a professor who’s
done some groundbreaking research on the adolescent mind. His
book, The Good Teen: Rescuing Adolescents From the Myths of the
Storm and Stress Years, is all about how we can smash the myth
that adolescents have to be miserable, and instead create
nurturing, empowering environments where care and encouragement
allow teens to reach their full potential...


In the episode, Richard goes into depth on how forming these
bonds helps kids prosper, and how you can find ways to connect
with your teen and their interests.


Why Relationships With Our Teens Matter


Richard knows that teenagers are capable of great things, if they
are nurtured and given the right resources. His research has
followed thousands of adolescents from all different backgrounds,
and examined how powerful it can be when we believe in kids and
provide them with the tools to build themselves.


In fact, the reason Richard entered the field of adolescent
psychology was because he felt that teens were too often being
told that adolescence was destined to be a negative experience,
when he knew that in reality, it can be a period of empowerment.
In his research, he examined how positive relationships with
adults allowed teens to blossom.


Based on his research, Rischard sorted the qualities of
successful teens into five categories: confidence, competence,
character, connection and caring. Richard believes these
principles are attainable for all teens, given the right
circumstances. In the episode, he talks about how teens can learn
to embody each one.


What kids really need to develop these traits, Richard says, is
positive relationships with mentors, coaches, friends, and of
course, parents. If you want your teen to believe that they’re
capable of academic, social, and vocational success, you can
start by making an effort to connect with them. Richard explains
how you can use these strong relationships to promote moral
centeredness for your teens, so that they can grow up to be
generous, productive members of society.


If you know how powerful these bonds can be, the next question
is, how can you initiate conversations and build your
relationship with your teen?


Get Into What Your Teens Are Into


You want to connect with your teen, but all they seem to be
interested in is their computer or their new eyeshadow
palette-whatever it is they’re obsessed with lately. Maybe you
want to talk to them, but you don’t really find anything they
like to be interesting or appealing as a means of bonding with
them.


However, finding ways to become interested in the things your
teens are interested in is one of the best ways you can help them
thrive, according to Richard. These interests are likely tied to
their greatest skills and most authentic passions, and by showing
them you care, you can help them turn their interest into a
serious opportunity for growth. In the episode, Richard shares
the many ways you can help kids manifest valuable skills through
their natural interests.


He shares his own experience with his son as an example. Growing
up, Richard's son always loved skateboarding, but Richard never
really found a lot of merit in the activity. However, in an
attempt to connect with his son, Richard offered to help him
build some boxes and ramps to skate on. They decided to place
them in the basement, so that he could skateboard down there in
the winter.


The two of them worked together to construct the materials,
allowing them to bond and giving Richard’s son some serious
construction skills from a young age. Although Richard wasn’t
much of a skater himself, he found ways to use his son’s interest
to help them both grow. This growth is a two way street, says
Richard. As much as teens learn from you, you can also learn from
them.


Once you’ve used a teenager’s interests to form a strong bond
with them, you’ve opened up a channel of communication. That
means you’ll be able to reach them when it comes time to chat
about more serious matters.


When It’s Time To Get Serious


In the episode, I ask Richard what advice he has for parents
hoping to approach serious topics with their kids. He recommends
being proactive, and to talk about serious issues before problems
emerge. Bringing up these ideas early on can help prepare teens
for life’s curveballs before they come flying towards them.


This doesn’t stray too far from Richard’s research about forming
strong bonds; in fact, when prompted to give his greatest advice
for positive parenting, Richard states trusting, caring,
nurturing relationships are key. Whether it’s sitting kids down
to talk to them about the more serious aspects of life or just
taking time to ask them about their day, putting in the effort
can have wonderful results.


Every kid, he says, needs an adult that cares irrationally for
them, someone who they can rely on. If kids are reminded that
they are loved and that they matter, they’ll feel comfortable
coming to you when it’s time to discuss serious things.


When they do come to talk to you, Richard emphasizes the power of
rejecting punishments and punitive measures, in favor of trust
and honesty. He suggests sending a message to your teens that
you’re concerned and want to help them out, rather than putting
them down for their choices. If you make it clear that they can
confide in you, they’re more likely to come to you for some
advice and clue you in to what’s going on with them.


If your kid does decide to share with you, it can be a great
opportunity to talk with them about values and principles,
imparting upon them the wisdom you’ve gained in your life. In the
episode, Richard describes the lifelong balancing act between
sharing your opinions and giving your child room to form their
own–something he’s been working on since his first say as a
father.


In the Episode…


When it comes to working with teenagers to help them become their
best selves, Richard has endless great advice. His research has
brought forth ama...