Ep 111: Want Accountable Teens? Ask the Right Questions

John G. Miller, author of five books including Raising
Accountable Kids and QBQ!, shares his expertise on how to get
your teenager to be responsible for their own actions. Plus, the
ultimate question to ask when it feels like nothing is working.


Sponsored by Equip: Eating disorder treatment
that works—delivered at home. Visit equip.health/talking for more
information, and a free consultation.


Full show notes


When your kids are refusing to listen, staying out past curfew
and ignoring your repeated attempts to establish control, some
serious questions come to mind. Questions like: When will they
start respecting me? How can I get them to listen to me? What is
it that causes them to act this way?


As frustrated as you may feel--and we know, teens can be
frustrating--it turns out that you might be asking yourself the
wrong questions. Even when it feels like your kid is
single-handedly instigating disagreements and causing turmoil,
there is a more effective approach than simply imploring them to
end this behavior, an approach that requires you to reflect on
your own actions.


What is that approach, exactly? Glad you asked. This week I’m
sitting down with John G. Miller, author of the classic book
QBQ!: The Question Behind the Question and the recent Raising
Accountable Kids: How to Be an Outstanding Parent Using the Power
of Personal Accountability. John has been speaking and teaching
workshops on leadership and management for over twenty years and
is also the father of 7 kids! He’s here to share what he’s
learned from years of mentoring clients and raising kids, and
talk all about how you can practice accountability to become a
better parent.


In our interview, John covers the basics of the principle of
accountability, and the questions you should be asking yourself
if you want to improve your parenting powers. He also identifies
the qualities that, in his eyes, make a weak parent, and how you
can strengthen your approach to ensure your kids become the best
people they can be.


How To Practice Accountability


Although you may be familiar with the term ‘accountability’, John
clears up what he means when he uses the word and how his
definition can be harnessed to create a more fulfilling life. In
defining accountability, John seeks to define the opposite first.
He focuses on three behaviors--victim thinking, blaming others,
and procrastination. People tend to embody these traits when they
reject accountability. They ask, why can’t others behave the way
I want them to? When will people start doing what I need them to
do?


Instead of engaging in this type of thinking, John encourages you
to do the contrary. He asks you to stop focusing on outward
factors and instead focus your energies inward. His approach
endorses asking questions about how you, yourself can improve
your situation, instead of relying on others. In John’s eyes,
accountability is not just about keeping others in check, it’s
about reflecting on your personal behaviors and practices to see
where you can make positive changes.


This is especially true for leaders, managers, educators, and for
our purposes, parents. Being an authority figure that emphasizes
accountability means holding yourself to high standards, and
modeling responsible behavior for those who are watching you. In
the episode, John dives deeper into the importance of
accountability in leadership. Specifically, he talks about how
parents can use accountability to create stronger relationships
with their teens


Parenting with Accountability


When it comes to parenting, John talks about how practicing
accountability can be a game changer. He shares an anecdote about
a woman he got to know through his work, a woman who found
herself bickering with her daughter day after day. The woman had
repeatedly implored her daughter to change her behavior, but
their relationship had only gotten worse.


It wasn’t until the woman worked with John to grasp the idea of
accountability that things got better. She decided to ask her
daughter how she could be a better mother, which allowed her
daughter to express the various ways she had felt disrespected or
held back by their relationship. The two established a dialogue,
and through this channel of communication, they were able to mend
their broken relationship.


This idea of mutual communication and respect--enabled by
accountability--is central to John’s work. He believes that if we
ask ourselves what we can do to create compromise, instead of
yelling or relying on punitive measures, we can become better
parents and build stronger bonds with our teens. In the episode,
John gets into this idea further, even sharing a personal story
about when he and his son faced a critical disagreement over his
son’s path in life.


Although John speaks to the importance of listening, he also
believes parenting is a very complicated, multifaceted endeavor.
While patience and understanding matter, there’s another
important practice that he believes should be
implemented--discipline.


How Accountability Relates to Discipline


In order to be an accountable parent, John stresses the
importance of understanding that your child’s behavior is a
reflection of your own parenting. He dispels the notion of
blaming your teens issues on current political leaders, the
media, or the people they hang out with, and instead implores the
parent to focus on how they’ve shaped their child’s behavior.


A lot of this comes down to making sure you discipline your child
effectively, says John. He believes there’s been a general trend
of parents who are afraid of disciplining kids in recent years.
This leads to parents continually allowing their kids to
misbehave. When parents don’t step in to stop bad behavior early
on, they allow it to become a pattern. John stresses that parents
should be quick to act on attitudes they don’t approve of, and be
unafraid to talk to their kids about how and why certain
behaviors are not appropriate or acceptable.


For example, parents often find themselves in a situation where
the success of their teen is more important to them than it is to
the teen themselves. For example, a parent might be spending a
lot of time worrying about their child’s academic success, while
their child is more concerned with beating their high score on
Mario Kart. John expresses the importance of holding yourself
accountable for this behavior as a parent, and teaching your teen
what happens when they don’t take their responsibilities
seriously. If they’re going to get an F for not turning in work
they haven’t done, don’t do the work for them--allow them to get
an F, and understand what it means to fail.


In the end, if you want your child to be a functional, thriving,
positive force in the world, John believes you are also
accountable for modeling that same behavior. He expresses his
belief that humility is the cornerstone of leadership, and by
constantly reflecting on how you can be a better individual and a
more effective parent, you will be able to raise a happier, more
intelligent teen.


In the Episode…


John's spirited and humorous character shines through in this
very entertaining and interesting episode! He’s got a lot to tell
us about, and this episode is jam packed with advice until the
very end. In addition to the ideas discussed above, we...