Ep 118: Lying, Stealing, and Power Struggles

Paul Podolsky, author of Raising a Thief, goes in depth on his
journey raising a traumatized daughter. Paul describes how to
spot the signs and tells us what parents can do to help troubled
teens heal and transition into adulthood.


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Full show notes


With teens dangling somewhere between childhood and adulthood, it
can be hard to negotiate control as a parent–control over how
late they can stay out, how much time they spend doing their
homework, how much junk food they eat. Although they’re not kids
anymore, they likely still live under your roof, meaning things
can sometimes get heated when it comes to setting the rules.


In certain cases, this battle over control can drive your kid to
do some seriously bad stuff. When they feel powerless, they might
turn to stealing, lying, and emotional manipulation to reclaim
their sense of authority.


Today I’m talking to Paul Podolsky, author of Raising a Thief: a
Memoir. Paul is here to talk about what happens when kids take
their need for control too far. After he and his wife adopted a
six month old child from Russia, they discovered that they were
in for more than they bargained for. Paul has a lot to teach us
about the psychology of control, and how to work through the
power struggles you might be having with your kid.


By telling his own personal parenting story, Paul shines light on
why teens sometimes feel powerless, what causes this troubling
crisis of power in kids’ heads, and what you can do to gain back
the control in your home.


Paul’s Powerful Story


When Paul’s daughter began stealing things from her Pre-K
classroom, lying through her teeth and even exposing herself to
other members of the class, Paul and his wife just weren’t sure
what was going on. After adopting her at just six months old,
they had provided her with a loving home and had raised her just
like any other young girl...so why was she acting up so much? It
turns out, the problems could be traced back to before the young
girl was adopted.


Although Paul and his wife knew that their daughter had been
through some rough times before being placed in an orphanage,
they didn't know just how deeply affected she was. Because this
trauma occurred for such a brief period of her life, and because
she was now in a safe and stable home, Paul and his wife were
certain that the psychological damage wouldn’t be so deep.


However, because her birth mother failed to feed or hold her, she
developed a feeling of stress and instability that would lead to
a lifetime of control issues. Because her trauma was created so
early in her life and was so severe, it’s effects were
irreversible. When she was nine, a doctor diagnosed her with
reactive attachment disorder. Over the next few years, the
problems became so intense that they had to place her in a
specialized institution.


Although he’s been on a challenging journey, Paul is here to
educate and share what he learned along the way. He wants parents
to be aware of signs that their kid might have some deeper issues
that need to be taken care of. In the episode, he talks further
about his daughter’s troubling childhood, before dissecting just
what is going on inside the heads of kids like her.


How Trauma Leads to Trouble


So why would a kid who’s experienced trauma want to steal, lie,
and cause a ruckus? It goes beyond just a need for attention,
Paul explains. When a kid takes something that isn’t theirs, they
suddenly have control over the situation, of the item they’ve
taken. When they lie and twist the narrative in their favor,
they’re able to reclaim power. It’s about filling a void, says
Paul.


Even if they’re only causing a small, inconsequential disruption,
they’re able to feel powerful for a brief period of time. For
many kids who’ve felt powerless or like they’ve been mistreated,
causing trouble is a way for them to strike back at the world.


In the episode, Paul shares a story that demonstrates this
unhealthy need for control. His family planned to go to the
beach, with the ultimatum that his daughter had to finish her
homework. Because his daughter had a fixation with control, she
dawdled through her homework while her family waited, enjoying
the power she held over them.


You may have found yourself in a similar situation, like when a
kid just won't stop screaming until they get ice cream. Paul
talked about how he didn't know what to do. If she kept them from
going to the beach, she won. If he said, “forget the homework,
let’s just go,” then she also won.


Paul reveals in the episode how he eventually put an end to the
situation. It has a lot to do with remaining ambivalent, so as to
restrict your child from gaining too much power over you.


Sound difficult? It is. Paul shares how he often struggles with
it, and how you can take steps to make this process easier on
yourself. In addition to ambivalence, Paul shares some other
actions and preventative measures parents can take when kids
become manipulative.


Parenting through the Problems


Dealing with kids who act this way is no easy task. Paul says
that if these types of behaviors are occurring regularly and
causing serious damage to your family, you shouldn’t be afraid to
seek help. He recalls checking his daughter into an institution
when things were getting far too difficult for he and his wife to
handle alone, and how it was tough because it made him feel like
a failure. However, when he realized she would be with
professionals who knew how to help her, he was able to understand
just how necessary it was.


Paul also recommends unity with your partner, if you have one. By
binding together, the two of you create a stronger force.
Manipulative kids might target one parent to try and pull you
apart, creating a rift and weakening your power. But by listening
to and valuing your partner’s opinions, and having their back in
a tough spot, Paul believes you’ll be able to keep your family in
better shape.


Another important thing Paul says to remember is to always be
blunt with kids who act up. If you dilly dally around the point,
you’ll create more of an opportunity for kids to make excuses or
tell lies. Additionally, you’ve got to have kids meet you
halfway, says Paul. If they’re not putting in the effort, then
you have to show them that you won’t do it all for them. In the
episode, Paul talks extensively about what he and his wife did on
a daily basis to mitigate their daughters manipulative behaviors.


There’s so much to deal with, Paul expresses, and it’s ok to not
always have a perfect day. No matter the kid, parenting is tough.
All you can do is love unconditionally and work to make sure your
kids are as happy and healthy as possible.


In the Episode…


We’re so glad to have Paul on today’s episode to share his story
and give advice for what to do when kids struggle with control.
In addition to the topics above, we talk about:


Why it can be hard for troubled kids to get accurate
diagnoses

How to detect Reactive Attachment Disorder

How we can prevent these behaviors from developing in the
first place

Why it can be very effective to present kids with choices

What Paul’s relationship is like with his daughter now that
she’s in adulthood



While kids mi...