Ep 119: Fresh Advice from Dad

Marc Fienberg, author of Dad's Great Advice for Teens, helps us
kick off the new year with some fresh advice for teens--and the
best way to deliver it!


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that works—delivered at home. Visit equip.health/talking for more
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Full show notes


There are so many things in life that teens, no matter their high
school education, are not prepared for. Rarely are there standard
courses on how to monitor our own technology use, balance
friendships and relationships, and effectively resist drugs and
alcohol. It falls on parents to deliver life advice. And with so
much to cover it can be tricky to know where to start!


Moreover, it’s daunting to do: being the brunt of eye-rolls and
bringing up sometimes awkward topics generally isn’t at the top
of anyone’s to-do list! Parents know their teens will just tune
out as soon as discussions get lecture-y and cliche.


Luckily, Marc Fienberg joins us this week to help with the issue
of how best to dole out advice--and how to say it. Marc is the
author of Dad's Great Advice for Teens: Stuff Every Teen Needs to
Know About Parents, Friends, Social Media, Drinking, Dating,
Relationships, and Finding Happiness. A father of four, Marc
found when each kid became a tween/teen, there were certain
pieces of advice he consistently wanted to impart. Significant
age gap between his kids meant he had the chance to tweak and
adapt his advice for each kid--and his teens let him know if his
advice was any good!


In speaking with fellow parents and friends into account his own
teens’ feedback, Marc has a wealth of knowledge on what advice is
sound, what strategies work, and the best ways to deliver advice
to your teen.


Speak From Experience


Marc’s key piece of insight on how best to deliver advice is to
do what no one else can: speak from your own experience. There is
perhaps nothing that perks up your teen’s ears more than hearing
stories about their own parents’ (mis)adventures. (Bonus points
if another grown adult they know is in your stories!). Marc notes
that not only will you have your teen’s full attention, but using
your own experiences will lift your story out of the realm of
cliche and prevent eye-rolls.


Using your own experience has the added bonus of built in
vulnerability, which Marc asserts is vital for a healthy
teen-parent bond. Teens need to know it’s okay to “get it wrong”.
Sharing times when you messed up or got hurt shows your teen no
one is perfect--and that’s normal. When it comes to giving advice
on romantic relationships, sharing your experience is
particularly impactful for teens.


The teenage brain is wired to find new relationships incredibly
rewarding. You may notice your teen sloughs off plans with family
and friends to hang out with a love interest. Instead of
lecturing generally on the importance of maintaining
relationships, Marc suggests pointing out the relationships you
have from your high school years that have lasted. It’s fairly
rare that we keep in touch with the people we’ve dated in high
school. But the friends we make in our teen years often last a
lifetime--maybe you’ve even zoomed them recently!


This is not to say teens shouldn’t bother dating--Marc believes
it is an important time for young people to put themselves out
there and test the dating waters. Our role as parents is to help
adolescents navigate the choppy seas of young love and keep
everything in perspective.


Seeking Balance


One of the ways in which parents can help teens keep perspective
is to push them to keep things balanced. Instead of accusing your
teen of spending all their time with a new love, a better
approach would be to try a relationship time-spent exercise.
Whether you as the parent are in the right or not, is not the
point: accuse your teen of something and they will immediately be
on the defensive.


You can try making it a thought experiment by saying something
like: “If you have 10 hours a week you can spend with everybody,
what do you think is a good way to break that up?” Most teens
inherently know that they shouldn’t be spending every waking
moment with one person. However we all fall prey to obsession
from time to time--the teen brain just more often than the adult
brain! It may take a parent sharing their own experience with
losing friends over a relationship to wake up the teen to the
fact that relationships are a balance.


Similarly, teens can get sucked into their relationship with
technology. And it’s a parents job to make sure they stay
balanced in their relationship to social media/entertainment as
well. Marc’s advice to avoid overdoing it with technology is to
challenge your teens to balance consumption with creation.


Marc’s rule with his own four teens on technology use? One hour
of content creation gets you two hours of consumption. Creation
can be as simple as making TikToks or as complex as running a
podcast. It’s the act of flexing those creating muscles that’s
the important thing in Marc’s mind.


Additionally, Marc is adamant that we get our teens to balance
the content they do post. Whatever our kids put on the internet
is, in a large way, a part of their ‘brand’. Marc thinks it
crucial to remind our teens that when they post content, it
should be more than just them looking good. It can be so easy to
get wrapped up in posting only pictures where we look beautiful,
pretty, handsome, or sexy. Marc says parents should challenge
teens to post things that show other facets of their personality.
How can you share your other interests in pictures or videos?


In the Episode…


It was a blast to speak with Marc this week and hear his fresh
advice and stories on raising teens. In addition to vulnerability
and relationships (personal or otherwise), in our interview we
cover:


What exactly to say when advising your teen on relationships

Why buying drugs for your teens might be the next-best
approach

The power of going with our gut

How to help your teen (and yourself) tap into your gut

Why we should explicitly tell our teens not to make us happy



As Marc states, no kid is going to take all your advice, but
delivering it in an engaging way, and surprising them with your
vulnerability, will at least get them to listen for longer.
Cheers to starting the new year off with an advice-giving refresh
and to closer, more connected relationships for all!


Sponsored by Equip: Eating disorder treatment
that works—delivered at home. Visit equip.health/talking for more
information, and a free consultation.