Ep 121: How to Transform Troublesome Boys

Gregory Koufacos, author of The Primal Method, joins us for a
discussion on why simply talking to boys doesn’t work--and how
parents can instead activate a strong bond with their teens to
set them up for a thriving healthy adult life.


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Full show notes


When kids are misbehaving or getting on your last nerve, it can
be difficult not to sound like a broken record. Repeated cries of
“come home on time” or “put down the controller and start your
homework” can feel as though they are falling on deaf ears!
Frustratingly, no matter how hard you try to get through to them,
teenagers just don’t seem to listen.


This can become extra challenging when teens are partaking in
behavior that is dangerous or harmful, or even illegal.
Oftentimes, teens struggling with problems like substance abuse,
self harm or addiction are especially likely to discard a
parent’s pleas to change. If only there was another way to get
through to kids, and make them realize there’s a better way to
live.


To get some advice on helping teens improve their lives, we’re
sitting down with Gregory Koufacos, author of The Primal Method:
A Book for Emerging Men. Gregory has spent years as an addiction
counselor and mentor for troubled teens, helping them see the
path to recovery and happiness. His unconventional method towards
mentoring young people might be just what you need to finally
reach your teen.


Gregory’s mission is to help people understand the power of
showing teens a better life, instead of just telling. He’s here
to talk about how you can help kids truly build a positive future
for themselves on a daily basis, instead of giving them advice
that just falls flat. He also shares why it’s important to
sometimes dish out some tough love, and the value of having a
strong bond with your teen.


Getting Kids Engaged


You can have a million different talks with your teen to try to
convince them that you know best, but you’re probably familiar
with hearing a “yeah” or “ok” in response...and seeing nothing
change! So how can you teach your teens a lesson that actually
sticks?


In his work as an addiction counselor, Gregory often found
himself hitting the same wall. Giving advice to patients in his
clinic while they sat on the couch just wasn’t working, so one
day he asked one of his clients to step outside with him. Once
they were free from those four walls, out in the world, he
realized there was a better, more interactive way to help kids
get better.


From then on, he adopted a system of real world immersion in his
practice. He brings kids along to try new things and experience
life, and shows them the happiness that can come from healthier
habits. Gregory leads his clients by example, and encourages
parents to do the same. Are you skipping out on doing things that
fulfill you like cooking or working out, because you’re busy
nagging your kid or worrying about something you can’t control?
Kids can see that, and it affects their perception of what life
has to offer. The first step to helping kids discover happiness
is showing them what it looks like.


Gregory believes that if you want kids to turn off the TV remote
or get rid of the vape, you have to find something that helps
them to enjoy life instead of seek distraction from it. It might
not be easy–some kids might not be quick to share their interests
or be vulnerable. However, once you catch on to a kid’s passion
for surfing, dancing, writing, Gregory says to run with it. It
can be so much more powerful than simply telling them to stop
smoking or start working harder.


While it’s important to provide kids with positive reinforcement
and encourage them to pursue passions, it can also be just as
important to be tough on them. Gregory dives into when exactly it
can be valuable to give teens a little bit of a harsher
treatment.


The Significance of Tough Love


When teens are on the verge of giving up, Gregory stresses that
they need someone to push them, not a parent who’s complicit in
their choice to throw in the towel. When your son wants to play
video games instead of studying for his final, he needs someone
to challenge him to get rid of the controller and hit the books.


Now, this doesn’t mean that parents should abandon empathy,
Gregory says. He argues that there is a time and place for both
soft and tough love, and that both can be necessary. It’s like
gardening. While it’s valuable for plants to have water and
sunlight, they also need to be trimmed and monitored to stay
healthy!


In the episode, Gregory tells the story of a patient who was
seemingly a straight A student–or so he claimed. When Gregory dug
a little deeper, he found that this student was actually barely
scraping by. However, Gregory knew that this client wanted to be
a straight A student, he just needed some tough love! He
confronted the young man about the lie, challenging him, and
then, using positive encouragement, guided him towards becoming a
better student.


When it comes to helping teens prosper, balancing out empathetic
love with emphatic love is tricky, but can work wonders. Before
you can communicate words of encouragement or disdain however,
you’ve got to form a sincere bond with your teen, Gregory says.


Creating a Close Bond with a Teen


One thing Gregory and I discuss in the episode is how parents are
often asking the wrong questions, wondering: “When will my son
start coming home on time?” or “When will my daughter start being
honest with me about her alcohol use?”


Instead, Gregory suggests asking questions that prompt you to
think about the nature of you and your teen’s relationship. How
often do the two of you spend quality time? What’s an activity
you guys might be able to do together? George emphasizes that
oftentimes, the issues that plague kids are caused on some level
by the lack of a positive parental relationship. George explains
that if you can put in the time to form a strong bond with your
teen, you’ll be better equipped to help them stay safe, happy and
healthy.


Gregory also stresses the importance of knowing the difference
between love and smothering. A lot of times, he meets parents who
insist that they have strong, healthy connections to their
children, when really they’re much too close and need to give
kids some space. Gregory says not to worry, it’s normal to
smother a bit, especially when teens are in a tough spot. In the
episode, he shares some further advice for parents who worry they
might be smothering.


While it can seem tricky to help a struggling teen snap out of
their funk, Gregory’s got some thorough and enlightening advice
in the episode. By showing kids that a happy life is possible,
doling out tough love when needed, and making the time to forge a
strong connection, you can ensure that your teen will make it
through whatever tough spot they’re in.


Also in the Episode…


Why it’s powerful to be vulnerable with your kids

How to inspire creativity in teens

Why mentorship for young people can be life-changing

How different kinds of intelligence manifest in teens



Although you might be sick and tired of bossing your kid around,
there are better ways to get through to them! If you enjoyed
today’s episode, check out Gregory’s ...