Ep 124: The Upside of Rude Teens

Rebecca Reid, journalist and author of Rude, sheds light on the
surprising positives to rudeness and how we could all get a bit
more rude without offending anyone!


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Full show notes


It’s easy to get caught up worrying about your kid behaving
rudely when you’re not around. You might be picturing them going
to the neighbor's house and asking for food they weren’t offered,
forgetting to say please and thank you, and causing a huge mess
without cleaning it up. No one wants a kid with no manners, so we
tend to push politeness onto kids with a fervor. We often try so
hard to keep kids from being rude that we force them to swing too
far in the other direction, towards being overly courteous,
saying “sorry” for everything and letting others walk all over
them.


When we teach our kids to be apologetic, we can do more harm than
good. Raising an overly submissive teen can mean that they’re not
comfortable raising their hand in the classroom, advocating for
themselves in a job interview or even saying no to an unwanted
sexual encounter. If we want to raise happy and healthy teens, we
have to teach them to be firm, honest, comfortable...and maybe
even a little rude.


Today we’re sitting down to chat with Rebecca Reid, author of
Rude: Stop Being Nice, Start Being Bold. Rebecca is a regular
columnist for Marie Clare, the Guardian, the Telegraph, and more.
She also makes regular appearances on Good Morning Britain, where
she contributes to conversations about political and social
issues.


Rebecca has been known to be assertive and firm in her
convictions...but has always found herself apologizing a little
too much. She started to notice that a lot of her submissiveness
was caused by how she was conditioned to act as a woman! That’s
why she decided to write her book, to help young people,
especially girls, understand when it’s ok to be a little impolite
and express their true feelings.


In our discussion, she breaks down the difference between
positive and negative rudeness, the ways in which we can teach
kids to understand consent, and how rudeness plays into the
parent-teen relationship.


The Right Kind of Rude


When we hear the word “rude”, we think about everything we don’t
want our kids to be. We might conjure up images of people chewing
with their mouths open, or loudly interrupting somebody with no
regard for this current conversation. When Rebecca talks about
raising kids to be a little rude, this isn’t quite what she
means.


Rebecca divides rude behavior into positive and negative.
Negative rudeness is what you might think when you think of being
rude: using vulgar language, cutting someone in line, or
insulting someone’s new haircut. Positive rudeness is all about
making things a little uncomfortable when needed. If someone’s
exhibiting positive rudeness, they alert the waiter when they’re
given the wrong order, or tell someone honestly that they’re not
interested in going on a date.


In our interview, I talk with Rebecca about how young people,
especially girls, have been conditioned to put other people’s
feelings before their own. While it can be good to teach kids the
importance of being considerate, Rebecca believes we shouldn’t
stop there. She says we should also help them understand when
it’s appropriate to speak up and communicate their feelings and
desires.


Take, for example, the difference between saying “sorry” and
“thank you”. When we’re late, we tend to apologize, when our true
intention is to show that we appreciate the other person waiting
for us. We’ve grown so used to saying “sorry” for every small
mistake, putting ourselves down unnecessarily. Rebecca explains
how it’s ok to not apologize, even when our conditioning makes us
feel we have to.


A huge part of discussing communication and assertiveness among
young people is the idea of helping them stop an unwanted sexual
encounter. Rebecca and I delve into this in the episode.


Helping Teens Understand Consent


Talking to kids about sex is pretty much always awkward...how
could it not be? However, if we totally neglect to talk to kids
about the birds and the bees, they might not go into it with the
right mindset. They might feel like they need to cave to
pressure, or may not know the signs that their partner is feeling
pressured.


Rebecca and I talk about how this relates to rudeness–that is,
making things uncomfortable for the sake of one’s own well being.
It might not be the most agreeable thing to say “no” when someone
asks for sex, but it’s the right thing for teens to do if they’re
not ready to consent.


If you want to teach your kid about bodily autonomy, Rebecca says
you can start by simply reminding them that they don’t have to do
anything they aren’t comfortable with. She suggests explaining to
them that if someone is tickling them or tossing them in the air,
they can ask for it to to stop. If they don’t want to kiss or hug
family members or friends, it can be really valuable to reassure
them that they don’t have to.


Similarly, Rebecca suggests creating an environment in your home
where teens can come to you if they’ve had a sexual experience
they aren’t sure about. Even though sex can be a touchy topic,
giving your kid a safe space to share their concerns can be so
important. It’s difficult for teens to turn to somebody when a
traumatic sexual situation is weighing on them, and having your
support can make a huge difference.


It’s important for teens to know they can be a little rude when
confronted with unwanted sexual activity, but this isn’t the only
place where rudeness plays a role. In the episode, Rebecca and I
chat about how rudeness factors into parent-teen relationships.


Why Being Rude Matters


As a parent, you’re probably used to telling your teen to stop
talking back, to quit giving you sass. But Rebecca says this
tendency for teens to rebel against what we ask of them can be
integral to their development. They’re experimenting with
expressing their own opinions and challenging what they’ve been
taught–something they'll have to learn to do as they grow into
adults. In this case, Rebecca says it’s necessary for teens to be
rude, so they can test their own boundaries.


Similarly, it can be important for parents to be a little rude to
kids. If you’re having a conversation with another adult, but
your kid just won’t stop bugging you, Rebecca says it’s alright
to shush your kid and tell them to stop. Although it might be
abrupt or a bit curt, you’re helping your kid understand
boundaries, and reminding them that they’re not the center of the
universe. If you’re not a little rude to them occasionally, they
might grow up expecting everyone to tiptoe around them and treat
them with total politeness–an expectation that doesn’t match
reality.


Rudeness is a difficult line to walk in your relationship with
your kid, but it’s better than always pretending every
interaction is a frolic through a field of daisies. If you go too
far and find yourself exhibiting negative rudeness, Rebecca says
to take it as an opportunity to apologize. Admitting you made a
mistake and showing kids you can accept when you’re wrong sets a
great example for teens who might find themselves having to do
the same thing.


In the Episode…...