Ep 125: What To Do With a Negative Teen

Roy F. Baumeister, PhD, bestselling author of Willpower and The
Power of Bad, helps us understand our tendency to focus on the
negatives and why it’s not all bad. Not winning “the best parent”
awards? Turns out that’s not what matters for a successful teen.


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Full show notes


When teens find out their friends are hanging out without them,
or they didn’t get a part in the school play, they suddenly act
like it’s the end of the world! No matter how hard you try to
convince them that it’s really not a big deal and that there will
be other opportunities in the future, they just can’t seem to get
over it. Then, even when they appear to be back to their usual
self for a while, it seems like every week something new goes
wrong. They just can’t stop making mountains out of molehills!


This focus on the negative expands just past dramatic teens–you
might notice it in your own experiences. Even when you have ten
positive interactions with your coworkers, it’s always the one
that goes badly that plays over and over in your mind when you’re
trying to sleep at night. You may find yourself scrutinizing your
own parenting the same way, thinking about a single mistake even
when you usually knock it out of the park.


To understand our preoccupation with the unfortunate, we’re
talking to Dr. Roy Baumeister, author of The Power of Bad: How
the Negativity Effect Rules Us and How We Can Rule It. After his
research paper about the human obsession with bad events garnered
a remarkable amount of citations, he decided to sit down and
write a book about why people tend to think too much about the
things that go wrong.


Dr. Baumeister and I dive into why negative experiences feel so
much more significant than positive ones. We also talk about how
to dole out bad news and criticism, and the mind’s peculiar
reaction to social rejection.


Why We Obsess Over the Bad


When our ancestors were foraging through the forest, they weren’t
focused on how nice the sun felt or the beauty of the sunset–they
were trying not to die! They were much more likely to take note
of events like sudden illness or bad weather because these things
may have cost them their life if not addressed. Individuals who
were able to concentrate on the negative likely lived longer than
those who were caught up in pleasures, leading our modern minds
to become preoccupied with negative events.


This explains why our current culture seems to be so infatuated
with doom and gloom. Our 24 hour news cycle blasts us with info
about impending threats and nightmare scenarios. We obsess over
the most frightening possible existential threats because our
minds are just trying to help us stay alive. It's the same reason
we have so many more words to describe misery and despair. Dr.
Baumeister and I talk about how words like “trauma” have no
positive equivalent.


These evolutionary forces are also the reason why teenagers act
so melodramatic. Whether it’s conscious or subconscious, they’re
preparing to take on the world on their own. They’re deeply
affected by bad experiences because deep down, they’re in the
process of gaging their chances of survival.


As a species, we consider fitting in as an important part of
these survival tactics. When we can roll with the pack, we're
better prepared against the dark forces we’re so focused on. If
we find ourselves not fitting in, however, our body has a curious
reaction.


The Strange Effect of Social Rejection


Since we tend to focus too much on negative events, it seems
likely that experiencing social rejection might cause us an
immense amount of emotional pain. However, Dr. Baumeister
discusses how his research actually demonstrates otherwise. When
we’re not invited to a party or turned down for a date, we’re not
likely to feel upset but instead, numb.


Dr. Baumeister explains that this is also likely a result of
evolution. If we were, say, being chased by a tiger in the
jungle, we might momentarily hurt ourselves tripping and falling.
Instead of letting that pain hold us back, our body releases
chemicals that numb the pain, so we can stay alive longer.
Although the threat of tigers has diminished, our survival
instinct remains, especially within our social spheres. The pain
of social rejection hits hard, so our body starts out by removing
feelings altogether, says Dr. Baumeister.


Because rejection causes our feelings to subside, humans
experiencing a lack of belonging are also more likely to lack
empathy. As a result, social rejection actually makes us
unpredictably aggressive. Those facing the burn of not being
included are much more inclined to lash out against those around
them. This is why teens, constantly entrenched in the socially
ruthless environment of high school, might scream insults and
slam the door in your face.


It’s easy for parents to fall into this same trap. In the
episode, Dr. Baumeister and I discuss how you can work through
this urge to lash out with your teen. When it comes to
negativity, you might also struggle to tell teens bad news or put
punitive measures in place. In the interview we talk about how
you can introduce these not-so-positive parts of parenting.


Getting into the Necessary Negatives


Even though we sometimes wish everything was perfectly peachy,
life isn’t a bouquet of roses. Sometimes you’ve got to deliver
bad news or dole out some punishment. Dr. Baumeister and I talk
through how you can handle all these unpleasant but unavoidable
tasks.


When we have some unfortunate news to impart, we often adopt a
“sandwich” approach, delivering good news first, then bad news,
and then good news again. However, Dr. Baumeister discredits the
effectiveness of this method. He says this concept emerged as a
way to postpone delivering bad news, but doesn’t make dreadful
information any easier for the listener to stomach. Instead, he
suggests sharing bad news first, and then the good. Our minds
crave relief after receiving a load of unpleasant info.


Do you often find punishment hard? Well, you should still
consider it an important option, says Dr. Baumeister. In his
studies, he’s found that punishment is much more effective than
positive reinforcement at motivating individuals. You can entice
someone with a reward for meeting a standard, but it will work
much better if you threaten to take something away, Dr.
Baumeister explains. Therefore, you shouldn’t be afraid to punish
kids who are out of line.


For example if a kid is struggling to get good grades, it’s
typical to offer them some cash for every A or B. However, it
might be wiser to give them that cash up front, and let them know
that for every C or D, they’ll have money taken away. This method
has been proven to work with factory employees, young kids, and
even teachers.


In the Episode…


Dr. Baumeister’s many years of research make for a riveting
interview this week. In addition to the topics above we talk
about:


Why you shouldn’t scrutinize your own parenting too much

The significance of “bad apples” in a group of people

How social media can be a positive force

Why we always think the past is better than the present

How we often create too much fear around vapi...