Ep 126: Making Awkward Conversations Easier

Michelle Icard, author of the new book Fourteen Talks by Age
Fourteen, joins us to chat about the most important discussions
to have with young people these days. We’ll also cover how to
make them go smoothly and what parents can do to minimize
awkwardness (and arguments) in the process!


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Full show notes


Say you’ve got a touchy topic you want to approach your teen
about–maybe you found a vape in their room! You know that the
moment you bring it up, your teen will explode and slam the door
in your face. Or, even if you are able to sit down and have a
real discussion, you’re worried they’ll ask you a question you
don’t know the answer to...and you’ll be caught like a deer in
headlights! You might be so stressed about the conversation that
you just don’t bring your concerns up at all.


Avoiding these tricky talks can be tempting, but ignoring them
can have serious consequences. If no one walks a teen through
complicated subjects like consent, drug use or self esteem, teens
might not know what to do when they get themselves into real
trouble. Opening up a line of communication with your teen can
help them navigate the murky waters of adolescence, and help you
rest easy knowing they’re not keeping secrets from you.


To figure out how you can approach uncomfortable discussions with
your teen, we’re talking to Michelle Icard, author of Fourteen
Talks by Age Fourteen: The Essential Conversations You Need to
Have with Your Kids Before They Start High School. Michelle is a
member of the Today Show Parenting Team, and has been featured in
the Washington Post, Time, People Magazine, and more.


In our interview today we’re going over Michelle’s BRIEF model
for tough conversations. Yes, this does mean keeping talks with
teens short, but the acronym illuminates a super effective set of
steps to ease into difficult discussions with kids. Michelle and
I also break down how you can confront teens about independence,
social media, healthy eating, dating, and more!


Michelle’s BRIEF Conversation Model


Starting a conversation with a teenager can be remarkably
intimidating, but Michelle’s got it down to a science. She’s
gathered the essential steps of having serious talks with teens
and combined them into an acronym: BRIEF. In the episode,
Michelle and I go through each and every step and explain how you
can incorporate them the next time you have to strike up an
uncomfortable chat with a teen.


The B in BRIEF stands for beginning peacefully. This diplomatic
approach is a huge part of bridging the communication gap between
you and your teen. It’s easy to freak out when you discover that
they have a secret boyfriend or are hiding symptoms of an eating
disorder. But if you come out right away with prescriptive or
punitive measures, you’ll likely scare your kid off and cause
them to shut down. Michelle’s method champions a calm, collected
start to the conversation.


This can mean kicking off talks off with gentle, general
questions that don’t include your teen. For example, if you’re
worried that your teen may have started smoking weed, you could
casually ask what they think about the current rise in
legalization or inquire if it’s something they’d ever consider
trying. You could discuss the possible side effects of
hypothetically partaking in marijuana use. This
non-confrontational tone will keep kids from feeling attacked or
judged, giving them an open forum to communicate instead.


In our interview, Michelle and I go over the other four steps of
the BRIEF method: relating to teens, interviewing for data,
echoing your kid, and finally, feedback. This method works for
delving into any topic...even complicated subjects like social
media and dating.


Discussing Social Media With Teens


If you didn’t grow up with social media, it can seem pretty
unnecessary–or even alarming. When teens are obsessed with
joining Tik Tok and posting on Instagram, it’s normal to be
worried that they’ll become addicted or post risque stuff without
you knowing. However, Michelle argues that social media can be a
great tool for passion and creativity. In the episode, she shares
an anecdote about her own daughter creating a fun Hunger Games
fan page and getting a shout out from one of the franchise’s
actors!


If you want teens to be able to have a fulfilling experience
online instead of an unhealthy one, Michelle says the key is to
sit down and have conversations about it. Social media is a tool
that can be useful, or dangerous...just like a buzz saw. And like
a buzz saw, you wouldn’t want someone to start using social media
if they didn’t know how to operate it safely. Having non
judgemental, open talks with teens about what’s too inappropriate
to post on Twitter can make a monumental difference.


Even after you have thorough dialogue with your teen about social
media, you might find that they defy the rules you set. Michelle
reminds parents to stay calm and collected, beginning with that
peaceful approach. In the episode, we break down how and when to
start discussing social media sites with teens. Stepping off the
web and into real life, there’s another essential, but awkward
discussion you’ll have to have with teens: dating.


Having the Dating Conversation


Every parent knows that at some point, they’re going to have to
get into a talk with teens about the birds and the bees. It’s
inevitable for teens to start crushing on classmates and feeling
flirty, so it can be very valuable to talk to them about the ins
and outs of relationships, sex and courtship. Michelle’s advice?
Start young. If you can have these conversations early and often,
you can prevent teens from falling into heartbreak or worse,
being pressured into something they don’t want to do.


Interestingly, Michelle also recommends not imposing too many
limits on teens who are inclined to engage in dating. She
explains that parents often want to place kids under a dating age
restriction, but that young relationships can actually help kids
test the waters and understand what they truly want out of a
romantic encounter. Most of the time, these courtships are
nothing sexual or serious, but instead just attempts by teens to
feel validated and wanted.


So should you be afraid to let kid go alone to the mall with
their new beau? Michelle says that it can actually be better for
two teens who are dating to hang out alone, instead of with a
huge gang of people. Oftentimes, big groups can pressure
“couples” to do things they might not be comfortable with. When
kids are hanging out just the two of them they’re much more
likely to be themselves, and not do anything too drastic, says
Michelle in our interview.


In the Episode….


Michelle’s experience talking to parents around the world shines
through in her savvy takes on tricky topics. In addition to the
subjects mentioned above, we cover:


How creating boundaries with teens can actually create
stronger bonds

Why teen’s process emotions differently than adults

How to ditch passive aggression in favor of open
communication

What to say to encourage teens to eat healthy

How you can help kids naturally become more independent



Although it’s hard to strike up serious conversations with teens,
Michelle teaches us how to have pr...