Ep 128: Persuade Your Teen With Story

Lisa Cron, author of the new book Story or Die, shows us how to
use and create powerful stories that can drive teens to change
their bad behavior without you even asking.


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that works—delivered at home. Visit equip.health/talking for more
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Full show notes



Often as parents we think telling our teen the facts about
texting and driving or vaping will show them that they need to
change their behavior. The danger is so clear! When we are in the
same room or car as our teen, they may go along with us, but
spewing facts at someone rarely causes a person to affect
long-term changes to their behavior. But how exactly can you
persuade your teen to change for the better if they reject facts?
The answer is simple: tell a story.


We are affected by stories every moment of the day. In fact, our
brains are wired to create narratives about the world and our own
lives. Rarely do objective facts persuade as strongly as an
emotionally engaging story. But telling a story properly is
another matter.


Fortunately this week, story-crafting expert Lisa Cron, is ready
to help us learn how to spin a tale. Cron is an accomplished
writer, literary agent, and TV producer. She’s the author of the
new book Story or Die: How to Use Brain Science to Engage,
Persuade, and Change Minds in Business and in Life. Cron believes
that to make what you say impactful, you have to switch from
using facts to telling an engaging emotional story. In today's
episode, Cron shares useful advice on how to get your teens to
obey your wishes and see your perspective by changing the way you
share information with them.


Don’t Face the Facts


Cron expresses that more logically minded parents may think that
giving their teens the cold hard facts will convince them that
they’re right about something. She shares that there are four
different types of facts: warning, validating, conflicting, and
neutral. But regardless of what type of fact you use with them,
none will work in a fundamental disagreement with your teen.


Say your 17-year-old teen thinks that going to a college party
isn’t a big deal. They say “I’ll be responsible, I won't do
anything reckless, I promise to be home at 1am.” You know that
regardless of what they say, it’s just not a good idea. So you
give your teen a warning fact: “Lots of assault goes on at
college parties.” They say they’ll be on alert for dangerous
people. You tell them a neutral fact : ”Underage drinking is
illegal.” They say they won’t drink—yah right! Face it, they have
an excuse for every fact you bring up and nothing you say is
going to get through to them.


Cron says that when you bring up points that go directly against
what a teenager believes, they’re biologically programmed to see
it as a personal attack. This is called confirmation bias.


It derives from basic human survival tactics. People used to form
tribes of like minded individuals because it would keep them
safe. So when we are confronted by facts that oppose our beliefs,
we view it as potentially dangerous. Cron explains that our
brain's primary function is to take care of the body. When we are
psychologically attacked, our bodies are triggered and we shut
down. So rather than insisting we’re right, parents need to focus
on empathizing with their teens.


Get Emotional


People say decisions should be made void of emotion. Cron says
that this is impossible because nothing ever happens to us that’s
not accompanied by emotions. In actuality, we make decisions
based on how a rational analysis of something made us feel.
Memories are really just past recordings of emotions that exist
in our brains to help us remember things. Recall that one time
when you lost your keys, scoured your whole house to find it, and
ended up being thirty minutes late to an important meeting? You
didn’t remember where your keys were because you had no emotional
attachment to the random dish you left them in. You might have
remembered where you put them if you make up a kooky song about
putting it in the same place every day.


No one will remember something you told them if they have no
connection to it. So in order to get teens to remember a lesson
or chore they need to do, parents must tie it to an emotion. You
need to see from your teens perspective how your command is
affecting them. Is it helping or hurting them? What emotion is it
pulling out of them? Tell them a story of why doing what you ask
of them will have a positive effect on them. If they happen to be
boy crazy, and you’re trying to get them to cook dinner, tell
them how you got your spouse to fall in love with you by cooking
their favorite meal. If they’d rather hang out with their friends
than babysit their younger brother, tell them how a night in with
your brother led you on an adventurous scavenger hunt through
your neighborhood.


What if you don’t want to share the many embarrassing or
inappropriate stories from your youth? Cron insists you should.
According to her, the best way to add emotion and create a
powerful story is to admit mistakes. Teenagers generally don’t
want to listen to parents who think they’re perfect and know
better. So share a tale of when you’ve made stupid decisions or
gotten yourself into sticky situations. As an author, Cron
believes that readers find flawless characters to be inauthentic
and boring. What people are actually drawn to is vulnerability.
So when you’re crafting a cautionary tale to warn your teen of
the dangers of texting and driving, don’t be afraid to tell them
about the time you did so and ended up getting a $400 ticket.
This’ll show them that parents are not perfect. They make the
same silly (and costly) mistakes that teens do. The thing we are
most afraid of telling our teens may actually be what gets
through to them the most.


Aha Moment


Cron says that every story must have an aha moment. A point when
you realize the thing you need to do is worth the cost you’re
giving up. These moments should be crafted around what you
specifically want your teen to take away from the story. If
you’re telling them a story because you want them to quit a nasty
habit of theirs, they need to have a subjective reason for
quitting. Because nobody makes a change for no reason. They
change because life has taught them that there is a better way of
doing things. You must find your teens motivations for doing
whatever it is that’s bothering you and create a greater
incentive for them to do it your way.


In this episode we discuss….


Determining Your Call to Action in a Story

Why Saying “Go to Your Room and Think About What You’ve Done"
Never Works

Understanding Teenagers Motivations for Misbehaving

How to Get Your Teen to Stop Texting and Driving



This week's episode with Lisa Cron was exceptionally eye-opening
and insightful. I walked away with a greater understanding of how
to get through to teenagers and I hope you do too!


Sponsored by Equip: Eating disorder treatment
that works—delivered at home. Visit equip.health/talking for more
information, and a free consultation.