Ep 132: Break Down Barriers to Change

Jonah Berger, PhD, bestselling author of The Catalyst and
Contagious, shows us the most effective way to be catalysts for
change. The first step is to uncover what barriers stop teens
from changing right now.


Sponsored by Equip: Eating disorder treatment
that works—delivered at home. Visit equip.health/talking for more
information, and a free consultation.


Full show notes


It’s not easy to talk teens into anything. Simply getting them to
clean their room or finish their stats homework is a nightmare!
It seems that as soon as you ask them to do something, they do
the opposite, just to spite you. It can feel like you’re hitting
the same wall over and over, never finding a way through.


Beyond just the realms of homework and household chores, this
inability to get through to teens can have dire repercussions. If
a teen is developing a serious drug problem or skipping school
everyday, we need a way to reach them and help them get back on a
better path. How can we break the cycle and finally get teens to
listen?


Our guest today is here to share his revolutionary approach to
inciting change in others. His name is Jonah Berger, and his new
book is The Catalyst: How to Change Anyone’s Mind. Jonah’s method
ditches all the nagging, pleading, and yelling for a much
simpler, more harmonious process. He’s here to tell you how you
can get kids to WANT to change, instead of trying to force change
upon them.


In our interview, Jonah explains why trying to convince someone
to do something will only push them in the other direction. He
expresses why it’s so much more valuable to ask kid’s questions
rather than bombard them with what you believe. He also discusses
techniques you can use to help your child change their behavior
when they just won’t seem to budge.


Why Teens Don’t Listen


So why is it that teens just won’t comply when we beg them to
change? It’s because our entire approach is wrong, says Jonah.


In the episode, he explains how people feel a deep need for
autonomy. As humans, we want to feel that we’re behind the wheel
of our own lives, steering ourselves in the direction of our
choice. When someone else, especially a parent, tells us to
behave a certain way, we feel like our agency is threatened. This
leads us to retaliate, and do the exact opposite of what’s
requested of us.


This is especially true for teens who are still trying to figure
out who they are. The last thing they want is for their mom or
dad to tell them what to do. They want to be free to make all
their own choices, even if those aren’t quite as mature as they
think. As you’re standing in front of them telling them to come
home before curfew, they’re thinking about all the reasons why
they should do the exact opposite. The more you push, the more
they dig their heels in the ground.


As Jonah points out, a lack of information isn’t the issue. Teens
know why they shouldn’t be out and about at one AM. They know
they should be home safe and sound by curfew. They just don’t
want to do it, if you’re telling them tot. So the question is,
how can we lead teens to act on their own logic? The trick, Jonah
reveals, is making teens believe it’s their own choice.


Providing Kids with a “Menu”


Clearly, trying to convince kids by sheer force to change won’t
work. Kids crave autonomy, and need to believe they arrived on
their decisions on their own. However, we can help kids harness
this need for autonomy to make the right choices for themselves.
Jonah explains how, when you want your teen to change, you can
give them a few options. He suggests allowing them to choose
their path, instead of telling them what to do outright. This
guides them in the right direction while also giving them a say
in their own situation.


For example, say your kid skateboards for hours after school,
leading to them to fail to finish their homework on time. You
want them to start coming home by five, so they have time to work
on assignments before dinner. But no matter how many times you
mention it, they just keep staying out later and later. Using
Jonah’s approach, you decide to present them with two options.
They can come home at five in time for dinner, or they can come
home late–but they’ll have to provide themselves with something
to eat.


So long as you’re not pressuring your teen to choose one option
or another, you’re giving them agency over their own time. If
they want to skate, they can do so, but then they won’t receive
the meal they’ve always expected to be fed to them in the
evening. If they do come home and start their homework, they’ll
earn that freshly cooked dinner. Not only will they likely arrive
home when you’d prefer, but they’ll feel good about it because
they’ll have made the decision themselves.


After kids leave home, they’ll no longer have you to nudge them
in the right direction. They’ll have to make even bigger choices
in the real world, like deciding who they’ll spend time with and
how they’ll earn a living. If you want to prepare your kids to
grow gracefully into total autonomy, you’ll have to make sure
you’re encouraging them to ask the right questions, says Jonah.


Helping Kids Think Critically


When kids grow up, and they're alone in the world with no parent
holding their hand, they’ll have to figure out how to live a
happy life on their own terms. They’ll have no idea how to remain
stable and healthy if they aren’t taught to reflect and work out
what they truly want. They also might find themselves in a bad
spot if they don’t know how to think critically about their
actions. Jonah explains how you can help kids be more self aware
by prompting them to ask certain questions.


If your teen is going out with friends that you don’t know, that
may make you nervous, and you might want to forbid them from
going. Jonah suggests that instead, you probe them to ask
themselves some questions like: Do I really like these people or
am I just hanging out with them to feel “cool”? Do they ever
pressure me into doing things I don’t want to do? Do I feel safe
with these people?


By inspiring kids to ask themselves these questions, you’re
teaching them to encounter situations with forethought, says
Jonah. This ability to think before plunging into things will
carry into their adulthood and help them avoid disaster.
Additionally, asking broader questions about what they want out
of life and the kind of person they want to be will help them
develop their own set of values for when they step foot into the
world on their own.


In the Episode…


Jonah’s unique insights about how to spur change in teens makes
for a great episode this week. In additions to the topics above
we also talk about:


Why Tide wasn’t able to keep people from eating Tide Pods

How cognitive dissonance motivates people to change

How to understand the “zone of acceptance” and “region of
rejection”

Why we should start by asking for less, and gradually ask for
more



Although getting teens to make a change can feel impossible,
Jonah’s advice brings a fresh and hopeful perspective. Excited to
share his expertise with you!


Sponsored by Equip: Eating disorder treatment
that works—delivered at home. Visit equip.health/talking for more
information, and a free consultation.