Ep 133: When Does a Teen Become an Adult?

Julie Lythcott-Haims, author of Your Turn and How to Raise an
Adult, brings to the show her vast knowledge of the psychology of
emerging adults. How can we help our teens and 20somethings turn
out well?


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Full show notes


When kids leave the nest, it can be terrifying to see them go. As
a parent, you may feel that your whole life has led up to this
moment, and you might worry that you haven’t done enough. You
want your kid to take on the world and succeed, but you worry
they might come home crying and asking for their old bedroom
back.


As scared as you might be, the terror of leaving home is even
worse for young adults themselves. Life is full of trials and
tribulations, and it’s scary without someone there to hold their
hand. You probably remember the fear you felt when you first left
home, how unpredictable and challenging every minute was.


Even though adulting is hard, we as parents can start preparing
our kids now, in their teen years. If we build a solid foundation
of self sufficiency, kids will be able to adapt to the curveballs
that life throws their way. Our guest this week is Julie
Lythcott-Haims, author of Your Turn: How to Be an Adult. The book
is full of personal stories and candid advice for how to be a
functional young adult.


In our interview today, Julie and I talk about how it can
actually be bad if your teen plans too much for their future. We
also discuss why you shouldn’t be afraid to show your kid your
imperfections, and how you can raise kids who know how to form
healthy relationships.


Why Planning Can Be Problematic


Some kids think they know exactly what college they’ll go to.
They assume they’ll get into grad school from there, meet the
love of their life at 25, get the job of their dreams. They know
where they want to live, what dog they want to have and what
they’re going to name their kids. But what if they don’t get into
that college? What if they’re halfway through their degree and
realize...they don’t want to be there? Then their plan falls
apart, and they find themselves wandering in the fog.


We want teens to have goals and ambitions, but we need to make
sure they remain adaptable, says Julie. Adulthood is full of
unexpected changes, identity crisis and relationship troubles. If
teens plan too much for their future, they’ll only find
themselves disappointed when things don’t work out how they
expected.


Sometimes kids are so focused on their plan that they miss out on
something that could be so much better than what they’ve imagined
for themselves. In the episode, Julie tells a fascinating story
about a young man who worked for years to get into dental school.
One day, right in the middle of an operation, he decided he just
wasn’t happy with his choices. This realization sent him on a new
journey of self exploration that changed his life. Even though he
had it all planned to a T, he found those plans did not satisfy
him, and he had to start all over again.


If we really want to help teens survive in the world, we have to
guide them towards the realization that things will never be
perfect. In doing so, it can be extremely impactful to tell kids
about our own mistakes, so they can learn from us.


The Value of Vulnerability


You probably know how hard it is to be a young person just
starting out in the world–because you’ve done it. You likely went
through plenty of mishaps and tough times before you eventually
landed on the right path. Believe it or not, Julie says, teens
don’t imagine that we went through any of that. They tend to
think we were able to handle everything like a pro with no
mistakes. Then, when they find themselves struggling, they feel
like they’re the only ones.


Julie suggests sharing all your failures with your teen, to help
them see that messing up is not only normal, but educational.
Julie and I talk about how much data we gather from making
mistakes. It’s at our lowest points, Julie says, that we figure
out what makes us truly unhappy. This realization is just as
important as realizing what does make us happy, she notes.


We sometimes want their kids to follow a certain path or live
their life in a very specific way because it suits our narrative.
We want to be able to brag to our friends that they got into
Harvard or got hired at Apple, but Julie stresses that their
journey is not about us. They have to find themselves, even if it
can be hard to watch them diverge from the path we’ve set.


One of the hardest things about being a happy and stable adult is
creating healthy relationships with others. In the episode, Julie
and I get into how we can look out for ourselves, while also
compromising when needed..


Fostering Functional Relationships


One of the lessons parents tend to teach kids is the value of
protecting themselves before anyone else. Although Julie stands
by the importance of prioritizing oneself, she also wants young
people to understand the value of compromising with other people.


In our interview, Julie talks about how young people often find
happiness with a friend or significant other, but drop them at
the first disagreement. They feel that if someone isn’t treating
them exactly how they expect, then that person needs to go.
However, Julie finds this logic problematic. Relationships aren’t
perfect and they never will be. If young adults expect constant
harmony, they’ll never find someone who makes them happy.


Julie stresses the value of teaching kids to be happy with
themselves, but also navigate the often complicated path of
relating to others. Although it’s hard to find that balance, it’s
essential to living a stable life. Equipping kids with the
ability to set boundaries and resolve conflict with others will
do wonders for them as they make their way through adulthood,
Julie says.


One way parents can do this is through modeling, Julie says. If
we’re raising kids with a partner, make it explicit to growing
teens that your relationship isn’t perfect. There are pushes and
pulls that create friction and tension, but with honest
communication and time, there is always a way back to peace with
one another. If we can teach teens this lesson, they’ll have more
success with romantic and platonic relationships in adult life.


In the Episode…


It was a pleasure to sit down with Julie today and discuss how we
can help young adults live their best lives. On top of the topics
mentioned above, we talk about:


How parents can leave kids with a “tool kit” for adult life

What we can do to give kids more autonomy in their teen years

How money management is complicated by emotional thinking

Why we need to teach kids to have boundaries

What we should tell teens in place of “find your passions”



Entering adulthood will always be a challenging process, but
Julie has some great tips for us to help prepare our teens for
finding their passion, being financially independent, and
whatever else comes their way! Grateful to have Julie on the
show--thanks for listening, and we’ll see you next week!


Sponsored by Equip: Eating disorder treatment
that works—delivered at home. Visit equip.health/talking for more
information,...